Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

This is really concerning - all that I'm hearing is that these 'so-called' professionals are just stuffing you around.  I feel for you so much - you're in need of some real strong tender care and compassion, but these guys are to me, a joke!!

Please feel free to correct me though, if you're ok with them - but it just annoys me that they are not listening to you.  Even for a time when you're wishing to have an appointment.

I don't know what you think about this - as it may seem like you're starting from scratch again, BUT have you thought about seeking a GP from this website.  As you know these guys/gals are well versed in mental health issues and be able to refer you to an appropriate counsellor/psyche.   And you know what, to save you having to run through all of the issues again - why not spend the day or the next couple of days, carefully typing up things.

Dot point them - and expand on them as you see fit - make a double appointment with the GP to start with, so you can work through the letter/note.

I don't know if this is something that you might consider, but at this time, you're in a really fragile state (your mental health - not Western Australia)  [not bad don't you think, went almost an entire post before I tried on a 'funny'].

You need care, you need support, you need attention to all these troubles that are affecting you.

I hope something can happen for you soon.

Neil

ps:   these two people you're living with - what wonderful special people they are.  At last you've got some "good" in your life.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I am angry and frustrated at them aswell, but I can't afford to go private. I could see a GP to get another health plan and get a referral elsewhere, but its just so daunting, beginning again. Starting again. 

That said I booked an appointment with a local GP that was recommended to me by a mental health nurse at the clinic. The GP only works a few days a week, so I can't get in until next Thursday. I do have a double appointment booked though, so if it doesn't go well with the psychiatrist on Wednesday, I will go see her and maybe get another referral or at least discuss options. 

I haven't met any of them, so as much as I hate them for stuffing me around, when all I need is a helping hand from a professional to help me get on my way. I also understand the public system is that way because of high demand and low budgets. While thats a factor, and they cant make more time appear where there isnt any, it irks me that you either get all the treatment in the world after you do something unfortunate and end up in hospital, or you get a month long wait. There is no in between. I don't know who to blame for that.

I do know I need help. I have even gone past my pride and asked. I have let myself cry in front of others and felt ashamed. I need help, I just don't know how long I am going to have to wait to see it. If I reject the appointments and can't grt anything better, I'll go back to the back of the queue. So I am reluctant to just abandon them. 

So plan would be just focus on getting to Wednesday, see how the psychiatrist goes and then see GP on Thursday. Inhave looked for GPs on BB but I am in somewhat of a black hole. The ones that are around remotely close, are male and I just feel so much more comfortable with a female doctor. Particularly given my fathers behaviour. The closest female BB one is a good 6 suburbs away, or more. In my current transport problem, that is a long way to go. 

Continued in Part 2

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Part 2:

What hurts the worst is that I had a good OT, a good psychologist, an ok psychiatrist in an area I knew well. All because of the way the mental health system works, I am out of the catchment area and have to start again. All because my marraige fell apart, and the only place to land was one subrb out of the arbitrary range.

Now on top of this divorce, there is all this uncertainty, about my new mental health team and really long appointment waits. Even if I went back to the previous catchment area, I'd have longer wait to get starting appointments there. 

Just why does this have to be so hard? Iam doing everything they tell me. I am being honest about how I feel, even the darker thoughts which might get me locked up. I am asking for help, pride be damned. Can't I catch a break? Isn't that worth something? What more could I do to get the help I need?

I am really struggling here. I am doing everything i can to survive, despite the fact that most of me doesn't want to. I am screaming and no one seems to hear. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I’m on the other side of Australia to you and I’m hearing you.    But a fat lot of good that does you – because all I can do is to put words on a computer screen in front of you.  Which doesn’t help you one bit – you read my post and for whatever I’ve said, when you finish reading it, you’re still in the same crap place.

And again, you raised another very good point – either things just toddle along slowly for the person in need (pedestrian kind of pace) OR if you go to the enth degree of extreme do something dangerous, then the support mechanisms are all over you. 

You quite rightly say:  there is no inbetween.  And that’s exactly what is needed – this is only a wild thought that I’ve just come up with (and others might say, Yeah Neil, welcome to our world, we’ve thought about and wanted this for years)

But there needs to be at least 3 stages:   ‘general routine support’  where you have your own ongoing support from week to week, fortnight to fortnight.  

 The next stage is where you’re at now – at a much much higher level, where you get support and help pretty much instantaneous or at least within say, no more than 24 hours – but once that support has kicked in, it will stay strong for the person until such time as things reside a bit.  

Then the 3rd stage is for the worst options – where someone has tried to take their life and that is critical/emergency kind of support. 

At the moment it seems that only the 1st and 3rd options are in place.  How can that change?  And I’m not expecting you to answer that – just me thinking aloud.

So where does this post leave you?   Just as you started – just a bunch of words that I’ve strung together, but no options of support for you – no questions answered.

Kind regards GA

 Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

All you say is true. I don't know how to change that. All I know is that everything hurts right now.

Had to get more dental work done, so no finances for the gp this week. Centrelink just can't cover expensive dental work and living expenses. Guess its psychiatrist or bust. G had her operation and is in recovery, but no word on how well it went. I have one more dental appointment in a couple weeks to fix it for good, so that will eat quite a bit of the next pay too. On top of that it is one my very good friends husbands birthday  next week, and no finances for that either. 

Ugh. I just don't know anymore guys. The doona is my only salvation at the moment. What do I do when that stops working?

GA

[Neil_1]

The doona is my only salvation at the moment. What do I do when that stops working?

Buy a new doona!  🙂  🙂

Or get one of those blanket plug-ins - I actually got the idea from my mum, who has one - and so (lightbulb appears above Neil's head) - hey, why not for Mother's Day get one of them on behalf of the kiddy-winks for my partner.  End result, she has it around her every night.

But yeah, GP costs, pyschiatrist costs and then on top of that, dental bill costs - in fact, dentists don't have bills, they have william's because they're too big to be a bill.  (That a very old joke from the '70's).

Do you think you'll get a chance to go visit your friend some time over the weekend.  And just to stop you thinking about getting a present or flowers, etc to take - you're strapped for cash - no need - just you being there for her will be enough.   And you know in the past, I've been out to dinners for friends, when I was skint.  I ate something from home before hand and went out.  Mind you, I am talking over 25 years ago - a lot younger and immature then.

Cheers

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Kids being kids today. I just don't have the patience. I wouldn't have got out of the doona at all, except I was the only adult awake. He was eating he shouldn't have for breakfast, particularly after misbehaving last night and being denied them as a punishment last night. I knew what he was doing. I couldn't get the effort to get up and stop him. Then I heard Elsa meow rather unhappily and found him mishandling her. Not in a serious way, just kids not understanding how cats work and that pulling on tails and paws hurts. Then I had to get up, to stop hik from hurting her. 

I was sitting with the other little one for breakfast, not hungry enough to eat. She kept asking if I was having breakfast and in the end I couldn't put her off, so I went and made a cup of tea. I sat there, next to her, keeping an eye on the cats, thoughts stewing in a very dark place, nodding about what she was talking about. 

It felt so hard to keep up that mask. I just wanted to break down and cry. At some point she asked why I wasn't drinking my tea. How could I tell her that I was so depressed, so hopeless that I didn't feel the need to eat or drink? That the thought of taking a sip of that tea made me want to throw up? So I pretended to drink and tipped it down the sink when she was done. 

I feel like I am unravelling, not so slowly. I feel like all I can do is sit there and watch myself fall apart. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what the point of trying is. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Oh wow - I didn't realise (or have forgotten) that the couple you live with have kids.

The point of trying GA is that you won't be at "rock bottom" (which is where you are now) forever.  While you think, "oh Neil, that's absolute BS", and that's fine to think that also - it simply can't happen.  

At the moment though, rock bottom is where you are and it's a long valley that you're in.  The sides of it are too steep to climb at the moment - so what have you got to do GA?  You've gotta continue along the trail that you're currently on.

Why?  I hear you say.   Why can't I just sit down where I am and stay here?

Because it's an awful place - bloody awful - we need to get you to continue along this path.

Occupation of thoughts - find ONE interest - think of ONE thing that might be something that you can try to task yourself with for this coming weekend.  Make it obviously little.  But something of interest - something to make you think, "ok, this isn't too bad - it's not brilliant, it's not making me jump up and down (because I don't think you're near ready for any of that at the moment), but just something.

I'm thinking GA, but I'm not sure what I'm coming up with here - and these could be all wrong anyway, but if I can provide a few, you might just think "No, not that, but I could possibly do XYZ".    But before you do this thing, first and foremost, is to get out of your jarmies on Saturday morning - take a nice long shower - as hot as you can stand - give your hair a good shampoo and then condition.  Then into some other comfy clothes and now:  what do we do GA?

(a)   perhaps a walk - to a park and just have a wander - perhaps under some trees that have lost their leaves - and kick your shoes through them, similar to what you may do in the surf - when the water is ankle deep.   In fact, I don't know how far away from the water you are, but maybe make that option (b).

(c)  every house I think has recipe books - grab one (or just the interweb) and find something nice to cook.  Maybe you and your friend could go to the local shops to get the ingredients.

My character count is about to run out.

So I'll send this GA - and I really would love to hear back from you.  Ok, those are only 3 options so far - but if they don't ring your bell, then as Arnie would say, "I'll Be Back" with some more.

I'm so concerned for you GA - hang in there - keep walking that trail.

Your friend

Neil

[Bridge]

hi Ga and neil and everyone

Ga i sent you a letter a few days ago but it hasnt got put up, im not sure why.  maybe i said something um...

wrong!

and they deleted it .  i dont know.

i can hear you screaming and i can feel the body that is stiff and exhausted from life.  I wish it was different.

Big Hug.  I have bought you a new clean pair of flannel jamies to wear under the doona.  they are warm and comfy.  they have cats printed on them. obviously.

actually, you can wear them on top of the doona (in the sun) as well if you want.  or on the couch. or anywhere really.

wear them until its time to come out from under the doona. ( and then, as neil so sensibly suggested,  give them a good long hot wash...!)

im reading what you have written about the mental health set up in WA and feeling sick.  I wish there was something i could do to help you. 

Elsa is beautiful.  such a gorgeous little thing. snuggling cats are very good medicine i think.   I hope mayflower is getting used to her quickly, then they can both sleep on the bed at the same time! ( double the medicinal value.)

neil im enjoying your jokes. im grinning and snortling reading them.

and i so agree with your joint synopsis of the mental health system.  Bizarre is a word that springs to mind for its structure.  it seems to try to repair people once their broken, but have no ability to stop people getting close to breaking when theyre heading that way. at the one point you really need back up, its not there.  youre on your own.  its insane. an insane system designed to achieve sanity. !

keep pushing yourself GA.  keep going. 

were all still here right behind you.

Bridge

(kisses to elsa and mayflower)

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I had written a post, signed it off then hit the back button by accident. So I can't even post anymore. I am so useless at everything. 

Yes there are kids here, more kids on the weekend. Things get hectic.The two oldest look up to me, and it adds to the pressure. They are old enough to  get subtle cues and ask awkward questions. I don't know why theyd look up to me. I am not even goor for anything. I am so messed up, I don't know where to begin fixing myself, if that is even possible. 

There are walking trails nearby, but I am afraid If I go along them, I'll just break and keep walking. Til I fall down and start screaming. Once I start screaming, I don't think I can stop. That sort of loss of control is what got me admitted involuntarily last time. So you see, if I stay under the doona, than all I have to is stay. Not face decisions, not choose between death and self harm. Just stay and don't move.

I got some art supplies last week. I thought if I can put this pain onto paper, maybe it'll be better. I tried and ended up with something between surrealism and a three year old drawing. It was all in my head, I could I see it and then when it comes to paper, it never ends up that way. This damn illness has even taken that from me. 

My friends birthday is on tomorrow. Free entry, free bar tab and I have permission to borrow the car. My friends has even offered a couch at her place, if I want to drink more. I don't think that is a good idea. These are the sort of friends I have few of but I want to go regardless. They deserve my presence, for as long as I can stand to be there. They also desefve better presents than I can give him.

I thought it would get better. Than life would kick me down again - Sydneys disappearance, the dental problems. Everytime I thought this is the bottom. It has to go up, just a little. I have to catch a break somewhere. But no. It hurts too much to hope. So I won't

I was holding onto that appointment, just thinking soon, soon I can get help. Now another week. Wednesday feels so far away from here.

GA