Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

Seizures suck plain and simple. I get the shaky feeling inside even now, so I think another one is coming this afternoon or evening. It feels a little way off. But I'm not sure entirely. Normally I can tell, but when I am highly anxious like now, I got anxiety shakes just sitting on my bed out of my doona, it can be confusing. 

Stuck- 

Thankyou for commenting at all. I have been keeping up with your thread and though I can't post much except about me as it seems, I have been silently cheering you on from the sidelines. I do curl up in my doona when I sleep like that. One of the complaints  my ex had was that I would steal all the blankets and form a cocoon. There are times when I have chosen to stay in bed, because if I got up the only place I could motivate myself to go to was where I self harmed. 

So I stayed in bed. Lately I have been losing that battle. I am winning today, ag least so far. 

Mares - 

I have been worried about you too. You haven't been posting as much lately and I can't imagine the hell the royal commission issues would be playing, on top of everything else you have to deal with. I hope you going ok,  even if you aren't travelling well. 

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

It's Monday morning and I was wondering how you are this morning.  Been thinking about you and how low you are at the moment.  I am also worried about you.

Thinking of you

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Further messages for the ex. He says he has consulted legal advice and I am liable for some debts of his. I honestly don't know if I am or not, and because unlike him I don't have a job and can't pay exorbitant fees for advice. The only places that are available don't have appointments for ages and I can't even get one because of their stupid system. 

He says this is a last chance before he forwards it on to debt collectors. Where the hell does he think I am going  to get money from? 

Why can't life just give a damned break? I don't know how to deal with this. I really really don't. I feel like I have been pushed into a corner and I just keep getting punched down again. What do I do? 

Please help.

On top of that I have appointments with two new doctors this week, who I'll have to explain my entire life story again. It's all overwhelming at the moment. 

Once I try, probably futilely to get an appointment, it will be doona and angry music time. It is all I know how to deal with it.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I feel for you so much, you do not need extra stressors in your life at the moment.

As for your ex requesting money that he says you owe - are you able to phone Legal Aid or is there a legal aid service near you, where you can get some help.

I think I would try Legal Aid. How on earth does he think you will pay this back?? He has no empathy for you at all in the situation you're in at the moment.  Just thinking back to when you were in hospital - is there a social worker there that you can talk to and get advice? I don't know whether this is possibly, just a thought??

GA, I hope you get a positive break very soon, because you don't deserve all of this, you need some positive things, anything to happen at the moment to lift you up.

thinking of you

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I did call Legal Aid. They referred me to the guys I am trying to get an appointment with. This place referred me to somewhere else too, but neither is available until 9 30. Even then, I have to hope that they don't completely book up the day before I can get through. They only open one day for booking at a time. Last tije I called at ten it was already booked. 

I am just so over this struggle. I want to scream, or run away and never see anyone I know again. Its all just too hard. 

Contacting the social worker would involve going to the hospital, and theyd never let me go again. The OT sometimes helps with that but  I have been kicked off the local centres rehab/OT program as I am not ready for it yet. I am too fragile. 

Yet apparently not fragile enough to organise appointments I don't have to wait weeks for. This system is so broken. I am just alipping through the cracks and no one seems to care.

GA

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

I got an appointment for july for legal advice. I have called the second place to see if I can get something sooner. Waiting on a call back. 

Lets hope he doesnt crucify me and send debt collectors after me in the mean time. There is nothing I have to give to them - no assetts, can't work and barely survive off centrelink so I don't what they, or he expects of me. 

I am so tired, can I go back to my doona now?

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

What a ridiculous system – my Mum used to have such a set up with her doctor years ago and it was just so frustrating for her.  No appointments made before the day – so it’d be dial up at 9am and hope like crazy that the phone wasn’t engaged.  Who would come up with a system like that?    Frustration for the patients needing an appointment, but I would imagine, nigh on a working hell for the receptionist as well.   To me it’s a lose/lose situation.

GA, you’d most probably have read this a dozen times from my past messages to others on here, but before you go to this bulk bill Doc;   please type up some dot points for things that you’d like to raise – issues that are stressing you major time right now.  And over the last few weeks.  Type ‘em up – as big a list as you want it to be – and take it along.  To have it just there as a security measure – if you feel you’re getting stuck with things to mention.

Ps:  the post DID come through, so no need for you to give up.  We’re not going anywhere away GA, hang in there and we’re riding the ride with you.

Pss:  you’re booked in for July – that’s good and bad.  Good that you’ve got an appointment – bad that you still have to wait for that long.   Has he given you a time-frame for when he’s sicking the dogs onto you?

Neil

Why on earth is he doing this to you?   He's literally laying the boot in to you when you're sprawled on the ground!   Boy that is making me angry with him.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I got the call back after a little while. I have an appointment with lawyer from the local place next monday, for free. It means waiting a week for this appointment, which quite frankly I am sick of. 

I wake up every morning and think just o e more day. Just one more day til this appointment, or that. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of waking up with this cloud over me. I am trying my hardest to survive here. I am doing everything I know how, destructive or not. Still life continues to kick me down. 

They see it gets better, but I'm not seeing that. 

As for his actions, he will probably action that this week. Knowing him as I do, once he says something he generally follows through. Particularly as I am not speaking to him still. I won't til I have legal advice on what I owe. everything not legal, all of his insults and twisting of my words, I am not responding to ever. He can go find someother dog to kick, one I hope who bites him back for it. 

Why can't life just leave me alone? I am sick of this. What have I done to deserve this?

GA

[Bridge]

Hey GA

wow!  so much stuff to say. i dont hop on here for 3 days and when i get back theres literally PAGES to read!!

The Party.

well done for going.  well done for trying to go, and well done for getting there.  That is a massive thing to have done (we keep telling you youre strong!!) and there is the proof. You made a massive effort; if you were my friend i would be so proud both of you and that i ment that much to you.  thats what i think anyway.

loosing it with a drunken twit, well yeah, that happens.  Whack on a bit of stress, a bad week, a bit of a life crisis, most of us can achieve this to some extent without too much trouble.  Your life at this point seems to have just a wee bit more than a 'bit of' stress, a bad week and a whisker of life crisis, so yeah, hey. he got drunk, he got kicked. he'll live.

what maybe is scary is the loosing control bit, for you.  and i must say i get this.  after a bad day at work i chased a man (that looked like a bikie) IN HIS CAR, out of a car park, clutching what i thought was a large substantial tree branch.  (it turned out to be a shred of whispy bark).  The guy looked at my face and left. fast.  he knew id lost it.  Id lost it so badly.   Ive never lost my temper so completely before or since. Afterwards i went to the toilets in the shopping centre and cried and shook for ages, and then to a cafe where i did the same into a cup of tea for annother hour.  It took me ages to recover.  It was horrendous.

why did it happen?  i dont really know.  i went beyond my limits. Am I like that really?  well no. That was me In Extremis.  if i get pushed far enough, i can really loose it.  Luckily, I have to get pushed an awfully long way to get there.  I guess your the same.

Hooray for next weeks lawyer!  Start preparing now, with lots of time, under the doona.  just write things down a bit if you can, so you have a bit of a blueprint by the weekend about what you need to say and get from him/her. you know this.

good luck for tomorrow.  hope it goes well.

[Bridge]

as for the ex, is it possible to send him a facebook thing saying hey i acknowledge that there are bills to pay, and i am in the process of formulating a plan as to how to deal with these issues, and i have a few appointments next week before any decisions can be made.... blah blah         you can keep it really brief and polite, keep him in the loop, give him some dates so he knows whether your talking about days, weeks months,  and then LET HIM WAIT until you are ready to sort things out. he has a credit card i imagine.  let him use it.   let him bubble and squeak and  blow smoke out is ears. whatever.  thats his decision. he knows the situation, he knows where your at, he can wait. whether he likes it or not. 

Finally, Oscar and Audrey send a slightly chilly and generally non-committal greeting (they are cats after all) to Mayflower and Elsa, and i believe they hope the mice are tasty in perth.  ( i think thats like 'hi new friend' in cat speak).  (oh dear i really am becoming a scarily daggy cat woman- im chasing up penfriends for may cats.....dear god ring the CAT team hahahhahahahaha)  NEIL_ what do you think of that humourous creation??

keep your cat jamies on.  stay safe under the doona.  give yourself time to heal and dont let yourself give up. cuddle kitties.

Bridge