Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

So I screwed up. Bad.

I went out, aside from constant anxiety of being out in an unfamiliar place, things wer going well. One of the other friends we were carpooling with, friend of a friend, not one of  mine. He was beignan obnoxious drunk, in the harmless constant annoying way. I grit my teeth and thought,  we are on the way back to her house. All I have to do is get there and then drive home. It was important as I didn't want to damage my relationship with my good friend, particularly on her husbands birthday.

When we got the he got out and made jokes about my car, not doing any physical damage, just messing around trying to provoke a reaction. Then it was like something in my head snapped. I just walked over and kicked him. Not in a damaging way, not anywhere sensitive. I demanded he get away from the car and after a few more comments he moved. I didn't even say goodbye, just got in my car and left.

I just dont do that. I dont hurt people in anger, I dont resort to physical violence. Who was that person? Why did I do that? What is happening to me? 

I had an anxiety attack on the way home, crying and hyperventilating. I thought that was all. Then I felt the inner shakiness and had about five minutes to pull over before the seizure hit. Seizures in cars arenot comfortable. I have always been able to get home, always. But not this time. So I spent an hour and half by the side of the road, seizing and then too exhausted to drive.

When I could drive I got home, collapsed info bed. I am amazed the car wasnt reported suspicious and police didnt come to investigate in that hour and a half. Guess I was just lucky. 

I got home to more messages from the ex, whom I havent been replying to. He sent messages to my family demanding money and threatening to go to a lawyer.I havent called legal aid back yet, for an appointment.

where do I start fixing this? Is it fixable?

[Neil_1]

Ohhhhh GA - I was going to write something amusing, but this post doesn't lend itself to amusement.

I do have to say though, 'thank you' for sharing that you self-harmed.  But GA, I'm writing this with furrowed brow and 😞 that kind of look on my face.  And I'm not meaning to shame you because of the self-harming one bit, I'm just sad that you're at such a very low ebb that you've needed to do this.

It makes me think of my son, it makes me think of me when I've done it (no longer at this stage of my life, thank goodness) and it makes me think of the incredibly awful place that you're in.  GA, I'm sorry that I even used the word shame on here to you - please forgive me, even though it wasn't meant as that - I was just telling you my feelings to you.  And that's the thing isn't it - you said, you don't know how else to get through this.

This is where these professional people should have instilled into our psy-kees (probably spelt psyches, but i hope you know what I'm referring to here) mechanisms or ways for handling such thoughts when we're at our lowest ebbs.

GA, I've currently run out of my psyche appointments - and in an hour or so, go to the Community Board to get the gist of why I can't get any more just yet.

This appointment is something different, so I'll start my own thread on that - not wanting to hi-jack yours.

Now tell me - how did the party go?

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA,

I replied to you last night but not on yet.  It's Sunday morning and I was just wondering how last night went?

Looking forward to hearing from you later

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Seizure day. The doona is my friend.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Screwing up bad????   NO WAY.

Some tool had had too much to drink and was being a smart-*** with stupid comments.  You were just defending your own property.  That's not screwing up bad.

And on top of that, with how incredibly low you've been feeling, you should really "pat yourself on the back" big time simply for getting out and going to the party.  I'm sensing that would have been so far out of your comfort zone and yet you made the effort - and not only that, but you also made the effort to arrange a gift of a card and a gift card (damnit, I thought I'd read that you did that in your post above, but it must be on the previous page - I'm not lazy - but I'll lose this post if I switch back on page - so I'll pretend that you did indeed go out and arrange the card, etc).

That is another positive GA for being able to do that.

Your middle lot of questions are simply answered because of the dire straits that you are currently in.  No other reason.   And when we're in that situation and someone stupid, does something stupid, well, things can sometimes get out of hand - well, you know what I mean.

Messages from the ex.  How?   On your facebook or phone??

And what the hell?   What's his story with going to your family??  I hope they told him where to go!!!

So GA, was it just doona day for you today (Sunday)?

Another day off tomorrow - and then Tuesday - can you possibly aim to seek out some legal advice/counsel to put this ex on the back foot?   Gee I wish I'd studied more at school - I could then have become a lawyer and I'd have really good advice for you on this subject, but alas, I didn't.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:   two blokes in a TAB.  One bloke looking at the raceguide and the other says:  "Studying hard?"   The other bloke says, "Mate, if I studied this hard when I was at school I'd be a surgeon now".

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

For all his behaviour, I shouldn't have reacted as such. Thats just not me. I don't like the person I see in the mirror. I don't know how anyone could. 

Yes I went out and got the card, and they were happy with that. I don't know if we are still friends. I don't see how we could be after my misbehaviour. It was a stretch for me to go, I had anxiety shakes from the time I walked out the door, though that seems to hapoen eevery time I leave the house this week, regardless of where I am going. Hell today, I had anxiety shakes just leaving my bedroom for the kitchen. 

Today has been a doona day, and the only plus is that due to the seizure, I have actually managed to get some sleep,  as I am just physically exhausted. The past three nights I have been getting at most three hours sleep. Thanks brain. 

The messages were on facebook. I haven't given him my new number, nor will he get it. My family haven't replied to him at all. They haven't messaged me either. Back to their old silence policy I guess. I will try call the legal aid place tomorrow for an appointment. It won'tbe til july, but hey its a step. I beleive it isn't a public holiday here in WA and the  organisation is WA based so I should be able to get through. Even if I have to call from beneath the doona. 

Another self harm episode today. I felt so terrible after last night, I couldn't fight it off. I could eat dinner afterwards though, so at least there is that. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

So I tried to post last night, hasn't shown up. Try to post this morning and the page crashes so I don't know if it is sent or not. I don't have the energy for this, so here it is in shortform. if this posts twice, you can delete it.

Found out the gp bulk bills so I can do thatthis week after all. Not sure what to say to her or if she'll be good, but its my lastditch effort. 

Tried to call legal places but not appointments available. I have to call them everyday at 9:30 to see if they have appointments for the next day in july they opened up to book. I call at ten and they were booked. Such a stupid system, but I guess I can't afford  a private lawyer otherwise, so what choice have I got? 

They referredme to two other places,  but one is only open tuesday to friday and the other is far too expensive. 

So one wall knocked down, to have two more put before me. I was going to shower, but I think this has taken all my energy for today. I am going back to my doona. Screw the world. 

If this post doesn't go through I am just going to give up. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, in all what has been being on and it's not a pleasant position that you are in, and hasn't been for a long time, is my greatest concern among everything is that these seizures occur may often, because of all these pressures this is likely to happen, and I am just so sorry that there is nothing that can be done to rectify this awful situation. L Geoff. x

[Stuck14]

Ga, 

Can I suggest something to you? I also am finding it difficult to just be an find that my doona is all I have. I'm not sure if you do this already, but I sometimes find that wrapping the doona around me as tight as possible, with.only my head out the top an on a pillow can maybe a little soothing an at times make it a little harder to self harm as it requires some energy to unravel yourself. I'm not saying it will definitely work, but on occasions it has for me. I hope you find something that helps you ga. You deserve all the support an love in the world. Hoping snuggles with the kitties will bring you some comfort too. 

[Mares73]

Dear GA I wish I knew something to say to help you during this time. I feel for you so much & hope so much that you get into see a mental health professional & a lawyer ASAP. I know your extremely low so I am worried about you and thinking of you. Lve Mares