Relationship Help

[Snoopy33]

Hi guys, I need some advice on my relationship. My fiancé and I have been together for approx. 4 years and we have a (almost) 3 year old daughter together. I also have 2 sons from a previous marriage that stay with us every second weekend. I feel like over time he has lost his affection towards me. He looks annoyed sometimes when I give him a hug or a kiss, we are rarely intimate (although it doesn't help that our daughter still sleeps in our room). I don't believe he is attracted to me anymore but I have put on a bit of weight and don't feel attractive in myself. I have tried to talk to him about it so many times and I am forever asking him what is wrong or whether he still loves me and he says there is nothing wrong and he loves me. I used to feel like we were best friends but now I feel like he has shut me out. Lately when I try and have a conversation with him he seems really disinterested and when I get upset about something, even if it's not relationship related he gets annoyed and has now said a few times, "what is it this time?". I have said to him I just need a hug and some reassurance and he has given me an excuse as to why he can't like he doesn't feel well or he is exhausted. I have depression and anxiety and it must take its toll on him but he also has social anxiety and anger issues that are difficult to live with too. I'm not sure if he is depressed as he seems like it at times but he says he isn't. I'm scared he will leave me and I'm not sure how I will cope. I had two long term relationships before this one and both ended in a similar way where I felt for a period of time that they were cold towards me and lacking in affection/love before they left me. I also believe that one of them cheated on me and the other- my ex husband- was planning to be with another woman while he was ending our relationship as he was in regular contact with her and then a relationship starting with her almost immediately after we separated. I don't know what I should do to fix this and where I have gone wrong each time. Please help me! 

[white knight]

Hi Snoopy welcome

I did write an article about how to approach some men. Google-

"Topic: Talking to men, some tips- beyondblue"

Hope that helps, I feel however a call to relationships Australia would benefit you.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Snoopy,

Relationships are not always easy are they!

I don't have children so I have no advice on that side of things, but is there a reason why your daughter still sleeps in your room? That must make it difficult to be intimate to start with I would think.

Have you been to see a Dr or a counsellor to talk about how you are feeling and has your partner regarding his maybe depression and anger issues?

Can you suggest that as a family you go to a park or to a beach for a walk? Exercising together can be more fun then trying to do it by yourself. It might be an opportunity to chat to your fiancé as well, about anything.

Maybe try to add a bit of spice to your lives, think of something different you can do together.

On the internet you will find lists of "50 different things to do to help your relationship. Does he like a special meal? Could you cook that for him, put some candles on the table, maybe ask a family member or friend if that can have your daughter for a few hours so you have some alone time.

Think of what attracted you to each other in the first place and see if you can revamp or reconnect to those times.

Maybe there is something physically wrong with your fiancé when he states he is unwell or exhausted. Does he work long hours or does he have a tough job? Maybe he is exhausted. Would he enjoy a neck or foot massage? IT may help to relax him.

I found the more I needed my husband the more I pushed him away! Once I backed off, then he came to me! It may not work the same with you at all, I am not sure.

Try and find more things that you like doing alone, that way you wont be so dependent on others. I have been doing this and feel a lot happier and calm.

Also look for things you can do together as a family and as a couple.

This is a long post so I will end this now. Hope some of this has been of help to you.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

[Snoopy33]

Thanks for your advice and for reminding me of How differently men think to women. I think I might go and read that book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". I've had it recommended to me before and forgot all about it!

[Snoopy33]

Hi Mrs Dools, thanks for your advice, I found it very helpful and I will endeavour to stop focusing on how I'm feeling and try and step into his shoes for a change. I love and care for him so much and have always felt like I do a lot for him but I honestly haven't done anything special just for him in a long time. Thanks for the ideas, I will have to get to work! My daughter sleeps in our room because we tried so many times to get her to sleep in her own room but she would scream and end up making herself vomit each time. I can get her to sleep in her room if I lie down next to her until she falls to sleep but then she wakes up countless times through the night and will scream and vomit if I am not there. I know it's not ideal and we need to do something about it sooner rather than later.  I Do see a Psychologist but I don't think I have discussed my relationship concerns much, it has been a couple of months since I have been. My partner has seen a doctor for social anxiety but not other issues. I know he doesn't like the idea of going to a Psychologist or Counsellor and he can be quite stubborn so I don't know whether he will do anything about it. You are right, I am dependent on him and I don't like that I am as I got that way in my previous relationships and look how they turned out! I dont have any hobbies and don't do any other activities (like sports). I don't have any friends that I see regularly and have limited contact with my family. I just work full time, look after kids and clean the house. I want to be comfortable being alone and doing things by myself but I don't. Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks again for your help.

[geoff]

dear Snoopy, I like the point that Mrs. Dools has made and it is so true, that the more you fuss or need your husband the more he will push you away, and actually this is what happened with me as my wife (ex) was doing the same when I started having depression and it made me feel uncomfortable.
You will need help to overcome your daughters fear of sleeping in the same bedroom and as she's 3 years old it would be difficult to be intimate.
You don't know whether this relationship is going the same way as your 2 other relationships, although I could see that it would be easy to feel like that, but don't assume this just yet.
You need to mention to your psychologist about what is happening in your relationship because this could be a huge reason why you aren't feeling well, but you say that you 'want to be comfortable being alone' so is this depression making you feel like this. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Snoopy,

Thanks for responding to our posts to you. Maybe some of the guys reading this can add their thoughts on why some guys are reluctant to attend counselling sessions with or without their partners?

My husband came to counselling with me once, he pointed out all of my troubles, and that was it. In the car he told me that was it, everything should be fixed now. Ha. Ha. Oh dear. I had to laugh!

Okay, so you don't have any hobbies or interests, that is okay, you don't have to. Finding something you like to do will add a little pleasure to your life in some small way.

Have you tried the adult colouring books at all? They have great designs and cover all sorts of designs. They are a bit of a craze at the moment. You can buy them from newsagents and many shops. Maybe you could buy one for yourself and a colouring book suitable for your daughter, and colour together.

Have you taken your daughter to see someone about her night terrors? That must be very upsetting and distressing for you all.

Another thing I do so I am not so dependent on my husband is to take myself out somewhere. I will go for a drive to the beach and have a long walk there, go to a café or a hotel for lunch, I take myself to the movies occasionally, go to art shows and craft displays.

Have a look around your area and see what there is close by that you might like to see.

Excuse me if I am prying, but if you work full time, does your daughter go into care? If so, she may have some friends there. You might be able to organise a play day in a park with some of the other parents and children.

There are so many opportunities out there, we just need to find them!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Me again!

I just had another read of your introduction post.

I don't think I have ever really felt attractive or happy about the way I look.

Some days I put on my favourite clothes, put on some make up, find my favourite jewellery and prance around feeling better about the world and myself for a while.

Maybe you dress up nicely every day for work anyway, so try it on the weekend. Have a fancy dress lunch with your daughter. Have a bit of fun with it.

I used to do this sort of thing with my nieces.

Cheers again from Mrs. Dools

[Snoopy33]

Thanks for your advice Geoff and Mrs Dools. I find it very hard to not act needy around my partner because I am constantly worrying about what he thinks of me and whether he is happy. I don't think he will leave me at this point in time but I feel like I need to work on myself so I don't feel and act this way so much for both of our sakes. When I think about it, I believe my behaviour would be very annoying and frustrating but my negative thoughts and feelings are all over the place and very overwhelming at the moment so I tend to speak and act before I think about the consequences. I will definitely organize to see the Psychologist again and try and work on this specifically. I am also worried that my daughter is so dependent on me at night time. I feel like it is my fault she has become this way. I have starting trying to lie next to her and put her to sleep in her room again but she has been waking up so many times crying and coming out of her room. It is very exhausting! It might be something I need to talk to her doctor about. Anyway, thanks again for the advice!

[Doolhof]

Hi again Snoopy,

I really like your picture, it is so cute!

Just a thought, change may take time. It is not always easy to stop your old behaviours and try something new. Just take little steps. Maybe try different things to see what is effective.

Beyond Blue have a phone line you can use, the number is 1300 22 4636, they also have a Chat on line service. I have used both. The people assisting and helping out on those services are understanding. I have used them a few times.

Does your fiancé work? If so, you could try changing the routine when he comes home if possible. I am not sure what you do now, but maybe you could ask if he would like a cup of tea, ask him how his day went, would he like to make some plans for a family outing on the weekend?

Ask him about his favourite music when he was a teenager, his favourite movie, anything you can think of about him and see what happens.

Regarding your daughter, seeing your Dr about her behaviour would certainly be a good step. Hopefully you will receive some direction on how to help this issue.

Would it help if you really tired your daughter out so she was exhausted and slept right through the night?

Does she need a light on in her room if she ventures in there by herself at night? Does she play in her room during the day? Maybe you could turn her bed into a princess bed by hanging a decorative mosquito net above her bed.

Is she able to tell you what bothers her at night or is she still too young to be able to do that. Maybe she doesn't understand it herself.

Would some calming music help? I do hope you find something that will help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools