Relationship ended out of nowhere and now I feel like a shell of myself

[Martii]

Hey everyone,

I have not been sure where to turn to with this and just utterly hopeless in what to do. 6 months ago my life was very different - I was living with my boyfriend who I saw a bright and happy future with; naively I thought we would get engaged - we'd been together for 2 and a half years and basically we thought we'd be together forever until he blindsided me by breaking up with me. I moved out and was a wreck, until he called me and begged for me to come back, so I did. Until he did it again a month later, saying he never wanted to get married, or buy a house, and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I have never felt so betrayed in my life because he never spoke to me about any of this, he never showed any signs or anything that this was coming - there was no demise of the relationship, he just literally walked in the door one day and ended it. My life did a 180 and at 27 I found myself broke, unemployed, and living back at my dads house. I have never felt so low in my life. I threw myself into doing all I could to move forward with my life, I found a job and threw myself into it, started working literally every day, started dating, catching up with all of my friends. I thought I was fine and then suddenly one day it wasn't, and now I feel stuck. I find myself crying every day, struggling to get out of bed. I have no passion for anything anymore, I have no motivation to do anything, and I feel worthless and hopeless - I don't see myself eve being happy again, and I just don't know how to get to that place where I can be. All of my friends are getting engaged and married and are living their lives, and I feel like it just makes me feel worse because I thought that was going to be me soon and it isn't - I want to be happy for them but I can't when I feel like my life has turned to absolute rubbish and I don't know why it has or what I did to deserve it. Essentially I feel like everyone is living, and I am just merely 'existing'. I feel like a zombie walking through life, or that I am in another universe to where all these other people are - there is some kind of invisible barrier between me and everyone else. I feel like the shell of the person I used to be; I feel so lost. Just not really sure what to do anymore and am looking for some kind of advice or insight.

[Cornstarch]

Oh gosh that's really sad. Does that sound patronising, I hope it doesn't.

I don't know what to say except that I completely understand what it feels like when you're looking around and everyone is very very settled. My fierce independence irritates my family and friends and I've never been one to stress about being single forever and then low and behold about a week ago I found that I was and I burst into tears.

I'm a good bit older than you and the pressure to have met someone by 'X' age can end in disaster, so I don't want to fall into that trap like a lot of people I know have. I still want to keep my wits about me and be discerning of character. My life has been too hard to take that risk. And in reality I can be alone forever if I have to be.

I'm just feeling a bit down about the entire human race in the field of love. I hate negative nelly's that suck the energy out of rooms but there are just so many users and takers out there. It took me many many years and lots of tears to realise the nuance of the taker. It's so hard to find sincere people that actually want you for you and not just to get over their ex or dodge their loneliness or plug a hole of boredom because they're afraid of growing old by themselves.

At the end of the day you can't control who you like. And it sounds like you really loved him, and he gave you no reasons. That would make anyone paranoid and self conscious!

I don't know what to say except that heartbreak hurts and don't settle for sloppy seconds. Obviously women have biological clocks ticking and we only have one window of opportunity if they want kids, so some people take a leap of faith for that reason only.

I've never been the sort of person that says "Oh you'll find someone," because I look around and not everyone has. It doesn't happen for everyone. It just doesn't.

Good luck. Heaps of people are feeling despondent with matters of the heart right now. It's brutal out there Sista. Brutal I say.

[Cornstarch]

P.S.

I stepped outside the other morning for my run and I thought to my little self - I just have this inner yearning to go to Walden Pond and write me memoirs 'n' that. The human race sucks.

You're welcome to join me.

[Zeal]

Hi Martii,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. The break-up does sound very unexpected and confusing, especially as there were no warning signs. This man seems very confused himself, to suddenly break up with you after showing no negative signs or change of heart. Being with someone who can change his mind this rapidly in such a huge way would be problematic long-term. You deserve stability. No one is perfect, but this man making a rash decision (or hiding his feelings) with regard to your relationship, is damaging.

You definitely need to talk about how you're feeling. Talking to your Mum or another family member could be comforting. Seeing a psychologist or counsellor would be of benefit. Make an appointment with your doctor (GP) for a referral to a mental health professional. The first step is to ring and make an appointment with your doctor. He/she can give you advice on where to go from there.

I hope you can seek emotional support soon.

Best wishes,

SM

[radiojammer]

Hi Martii, I just want to say I do empathise with you and can understand how you must feel even though I dont know you. The whole thing must be devastating for you, especially as you have friends getting married or engaged and the person who you thought was the love of your life has just walked out on you. All I can say is take heart in that you are still young. I do hope there is someone else (better) out there for you. A relationship breakup can take a long time to get over if you loved the person. I myself am in an unhappy marriage which I cannot get out of, I want to divorce my husband but aren't really in a position to do so while my kids still need two parents under the same roof and some stability. I'm afraid that when I do get out of my relationship I'll be too old to find someone else I have something in common with and who I am attracted to. I'm exceedingly worried about being alone and lonely for the rest of my life. I dont have many friends or anyone I can do anything with so I have to do everything by myself which is no fun as I rarely have anyone to talk to or share my experiences with. I hope this doesnt happen to you. At least you have friends. Have you thought about getting a pet for yourself, like a dog that you can take for walks? It's just a thought. At least you can spend time loving and caring for an animal which will give you unconditional love back.

There are too many men out there who use people, I have experienced that myself several times and it's agonising. Most people dont deserve that kind of treatment; I certainly never did anything to deserve it. I dont understand men and how they can be so detached from their emotions and how they can just cut someone out of their life they are supposed to love. You are not alone with the "existing" thing because I feel exactly the same way. I loathe getting out of bed in the mornings because I have nothing to look forward to, just a job that I cannot stand and on the weekends all I seem to do is housework. When you are feeling up to it you might consider internet dating. There's no stigma attached to this and plenty of people are doing it nowadays. I hope you feel better in the future, there's nothing wrong with grieving for a partner who you thought was your soul mate, grieving is part of the healing process. As already suggested, it would be great if you could find someone you could talk to who will listen to you and is non-judgemental. Good luck in the future.

[Martii]

Hello everyone,thank you all so much for your replies! Cornstarch (interesting name!), I will never settle for sloppy seconds ever ever ever! I hate when people do that because they are too scared to be alone. I would rather be alone to free myself up to find that amazing person than be in a relationship with someone who wasn't 'the one' for me - it isn't fair to me or them. I am not concerned about my biological clock ticking away, more concerned about societies/families 'pressure' to have everything done by a certain age - including career, house, etc etc etc. I am so far behind in this race at 27 because I am still figuring it all out. I know there are some terrible people out there but I know in my heart that there are a lot of amazing men (and women) out there who will treat you with the kind of respect your deserve and give you the kind of love that you want. I am pessimistic and skeptical about alot of things but I am still hopeful about love, and I hope that you are too. I do plan on seeing a counselor sometime soon (I am still working everyday so really need to make the time!) and trying to take some more time in nurturing myself and getting my esteem up to where it needs to be. I have been dating online - I met my ex online, the one I mentioned before - I find it easier to date online, and stuff the stigma! Everyone does it these days! I just find it very incredibly hard to click with someone. Actually, I have met someone recently I really click with but he has made it clear it might not turn into anything because he has some problems of his own so not really sure about how to go with that.

radiojammer - thank you for your kind words -I live with my dad and have some wonderful pets (cats and goats) but no dogs unfortunately 😞 I am very sorry to hear about what is happening for you and I hope that you can find yourself out of that situation soon. I am not sure of the whole situation or how old your children are but I am sure they would want their mother to be happy - that was definitely the case when my mum and dad split up - I just really wanted my dad to be happy because it killed me to see him otherwise. I think all us humans have that fear on some kind of level of ending up alone and miserable. Have you tried going to any social events or learning a new skill or hobby to channel your focus or energy into it? You could learn alot, make new friends, and even meet someone?

[radiojammer]

HI Martii, I am intending on taking up a crochet class in October when the classes start but hardly expect to meet anyone there. Im stuck in my unhappy marriage for a while yet. I have no money and a low paying job which is actually ruining my self esteem and not much chance of getting a better higher paying job either. I am in the depths of despair and thinking of going back onto anti ds, I didnt want to but I'm so down I may have to consider it just so that I can function. My children are actually adults and two are at uni, one is still at school but he rarely goes so I'm worried about him as he shows no interest in what he wants to do next year and everything I suggest he says no to. I feel I have to be in my marriage for the kids (we dont fight a lot but the kids know I'm not happy). Yes, my biggest fear is ending up alone. More than getting sick. I am exceedingly lonely and dont have much of a family other than my kids. I have just had a really good friend cut me out of his life with no explanation and that has devastated me no end, he just refuses to contact me now and we were friends for a long time. My life is going downhill and I dont know what to do about it. Anti ds may help me function but they wont make my problems go away. Because Im getting older Im not hopeful that I'll ever find love as I dont find many men in my age bracket all that attractive (no I'm not expecting to find a male model!) let alone I have anything in common with. It's just all too hard for me at the moment. I hope things work out for you with the new person or if not, you find somebody more suitable. At least you are in a position to find someone, unlike me stuck in my miserable marriage.