relationship breakup with bipolar girlfriend

[confused68]

Hi guys.im new to this and am hoping to get some encouraging advice from those who have been through something similar.my girlfriend who has bipolar started dating april last year.All was going great and she told me about her condition straight up.Before long i met her kids 2 teenagers and her 5 year old twin girls and also her mum,dad,brother and one sister.Everything was going great,we were even going to get engaged.Things were getting serious,maybe a little too quickly.Anyway one night we arranged to meet at the pub but i decided to show up at her place and surprise her with a lift but she got really angry at me.i calmed her down and met her later at the pub but she up and left without me knowing(panic attack maybe)From this night on i noticed her moods had changed and she didnt seem to want to spend time together and she seemed to even have this aggression in her eyes.so 2 weeks later i drank with a mate and fell asleep.aAs i slept i missed 2 texts and a phone call from her.I awoke to a nasty breakup text and ended up taking a week stress leave from work.A couple of months after that we had a chat at the pub and talked about having a proper talk about reconciling.I left her but 2 hour later she caught up with me and abused me in a drunken psychotic rage.Since then her father has passed away and i have sent her the odd text and she has responded in a non aggressive way.I have most of her family on facebook and i know they really like me.I love this woman so intensely and want to contact her to have a face to face chat to reconcile.Could this work.Has anybody out there had a similar situation.I suspect she feels the same but she is very stubborn and i think i should be the one to make the move,but with the bipolar its hard to know what mood she is in.I have done a lot of research so i know what she is going through out of love and respect for her.Any advice would be much appreciated.im hoping to get encouragement.Thanks so much.

[BballJ]

Hi confused68,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read what you are going through. I don't have a lot of experience with bi polar so my advice is pretty generic but just wanted to reach out and offer my support. Like any relationship, if you feel that way about someone and you can say you love them intensely, then it is worth fighting for them. Making the first move doesn't mean much these days, we have to put our ego aside and just go after what we want sometimes. May I suggest you read the section on these forums about supporting someone with a mental health issue, simply go to the top of the page where it says "The facts" and scroll to supporting someone.

My best for you,

Jay

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi confused68,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

Gosh I can tell your name really fits with what brought you here! I'm sorry that you're going through this and glad that you reached out; it sounds like despite everything you have both gone through you care so much about her and want this to work out.

It sounds like from your post she has been both up and down indicating to me that she's been (or is in) an episode. Has she been in one before whilst you've known her? How does she usually cope with her Bipolar, what strategies does she have in place?

It sounds like you are quite close with her family having them on Facebook and having already met some of them. I wonder if it might be worth having a chat with them? I do personally think that there is a chance you can reconcile; but only when she is in a stable place. If her mood is unusually high or low, she won't be able to make any clear decisions or think rationally - so if that's the case now, I would suggest trying to create some space rather than making any big decisions.

Hope this helps,

[quirkywords]

Confused,

I too welcome you to the forum.

Jay and romantic have oven you helpful advice.

I have had bipolar for over 40 years, but of course my experience differed from other people with bipolar as we are all individuals who react t events and stress indifferent ways.

Does she have regular highs and lows and is she seeing.a doctor oe apsych ?

I think her dad dying and the break up would put stress on her and maybe now she could do with a friend. Also i feel the best time to chat with her is when she is not high or low. At other times she needs support but she may push you away.

I agree she needs space and perhaps no pressure as she reeves for her dad,

It is tricky bein with someone with bipolar and it is even trickier havin bipolar.

Quirky

[confused68]

Thanks very much for your support and kind words jay i do appreciate it.ive had 2 other responses and am happy to say all including yours are supportive and encouraging so thanks again.She has been through so much in her life and i just want her to feel safe in a happy safe and loving relationship.Im not giving up on her just yet. Cheers troy.

[confused68]

Thankyou so much romantic_thi3f.Thanks so much for the support and kind words.I do think that we can reconcile too and have a lot of hope.I know we both fell in love with each other pretty much straight away and im hoping she still has these feelings for me as i do for her.When we were together she seemed to manage her bipolar quite well obviously with medication and therapy and also counselling.Not long into our relationship her family and friends commented on how healthy and happy she was starting to look.She told them that it was all because of me.She also told me during one of our chats that we were soul mates.No woman has ever said that to me.Towards the end of our relationship she got sick with the flu and a sinus infection and i guess she may have been on antibiotics and may have dropped her bipolar meds and this is when i noticed the drastic mood changes and lack of wanting to spend time with me so im guessing she may have been in a manic episode.A couple of weeks ago i had a few too many and tried to ring her but no answer so i texted her i love you and when i woke the next morning i had a missed call from her so im hoping she wanted to talk.If she was annoyed at me she would have sent a nasty text.I hope this clarifies things for you and thanks so much for your support and advice. cheers

[confused68]

Thanks heaps for your words of support quirky.im trying to learn as much about the illness as i can so if we (hopefully) do get back together i can deal with it better.I should have done this from the start but i didnt realize how bipolar affects people.She seems to be calmer judging from her texts and her daughter told me in a text that she was handling it well.I would like to meet up with her face to face for a talk but its just so hard to know the right time and i guess its a risk i may have to take but it may be too soon after her fathers funeral (3 weeks ago today) thanks again quirkywords

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi confused68,

Great to hear from you again and I'm really glad you're getting lots of support from the forums! It sounds like you're trying hard to understand more about Bipolar and how it affects your girlfriend. I can really see how much you care about her and how much she means to you but also how much you mean to her. Even though you may not see it I am sure that she is grateful for your support and commitment when she's not in a good place herself.

You mentioned how she has had therapy and medication before so that shows me that she's been managing her Bipolar really well. Any medication change is going to have an effect on her Bipolar, so that would absolutely explain why this has happened. Even a reduction in medication can affect her mood, let alone dropping it completely. Is she back on them now?

I want to really stress that while people are 'in an episode' they aren't themselves. People can do things in their episode that they would never do normally - anything from drinking too much, spending too much, not sleeping/not eating - their mind might race, make impulsive decisions, etc. A big part of this is not being able to see any consequences;- she could potentially send a nasty text on impulse that she might never send if she wasn't having an episode. So I guess that's why I'm talking about 'creating space', because it is hard to see how she's really feeling and how much might be out of her control right now.

Hope this helps!

[confused68]

Hi romantic.Thankyou so much for your advice it is really helpful.I cant tell you much about pam"s medication as i don"t see her and the only contact i have is the odd text.At least she doesnt seem volatile at the moment.i know i need to contact her if i have any chance of getting my girl back.Our relationship had dramas right from the start as she had a panic attack one morning after i left her place for work and she ended up in a psychiatric ward.I went to visit her and she trusted me with her house keys so i took care of things for her.When she got out she had me over for dinner and presented me with a love letter and a picture of herself,stating how much she loved me and wanted us to be together forever.Im hoping she is still that same person but her life has been full of trauma including abusive boyfriends so maybe she thought i was too good to be true or maybe had fear of abandonment. I find it interesting that none of her family have dropped me off facebook and her 17 yo daughter added me 4 months after the breakup.Could this mean anything?I asked some friends and they all think that she still talks about me and maybe even misses me.She actually confided in my mate(which is how we met)and told him how much she loved me,wanted to have a baby with me and wanted me to be a father figure for her kids)I do feel i have a good chance of getting her back if i go about it the right way.I just hope her feelings were real.i do have numerous loving texts from her on my old phone which i cherish.Im guessing her behavior deteriorated with her dads health as i cant think of anything i did wrong.She did tell my mate i was controlling and possessive and im guessing that was part of her moods. Thanks so much for listening romantic and i look forward to your reply cheers confused68

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey confused68,

It's good to hear from you again.

It sounds like you've both gone through a lot together; especially hearing about her panic attacks, hospital admission and trauma. I can see that you've got something really special going on and I understand you really want to get her back.

Sounds like from hearing from your mate that she hasn't quite given up yet either, talking about your future together and having a baby - certainly not something you do if you've cut ties! How does your mate think that she's doing now?

How do you feel about talking to Pam again? I think in person would be best if you can -

I do have lots of other thoughts! But I think the biggest priority is being able to actually talk to her. That way you can get a better idea of where you both stand, what she might need from you and how she is feeling now. Of course this is also a chance to let her know how you're feeling; as since last time you've worked so much harder to understand what she's going through and how her Bipolar affects her and her moods. If you are both committed or open to working things out and getting back together then I think you can work things out from there (like if she's worried about abandonment) - but none of that feels possible unless you can actually have that conversation.

Hope this helps!

Sidenote: as for your question about her daughter, I'm thinking it might be more due to curiosity. You've been a big part of her and her mother's life so I imagine that she's naturally curious and open to where this might go and how you're feeling too.