Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[TheFarSide]

I think take whatever time you need to be yourself again... it's not a race to be in the right place and nor should you force it.   Let life happen organically and the relationships will follow the same way.   We are still part of the generation that talks and will talk to people when we can.   

I have seen the issues though through my son with the internet - basically it's the internet that brings so much disturbance to the force.  The level, the volume, the type, the lack of restriction and accessibility of information (some true and some completely off base and then the rest).  Of course, there is good such as these forums where people can talk and seek support from each other. 

It's good that your GF can be amicable and you get along well but as far as separating your emotions from each goes - she probably isn't the best choice as a pillar to lean on for ongoing support.

I mean that with the best of intentions... It's hard to let go if you're both holding on.

I'm now latter mid part of fifties (56 to be exact) - While I'm pretty happy with how I've conducted life and the experiences I've had I can't deny being disappointed in how the last 7ish years have turned out.   I did learn a lot from the relationship about how some people work and I will take a lot of positive personal development from it - but I'd have preferred a partner for life.   

When the time is right, I'll certainly be a little more inquisitive and curious about any potential partner going forward - not to the point of silliness as I'm not expecting perfection from myself let alone a partner.  I guess I'm just saying I'll be careful not to fall into the same situation.

[randomxx]

Thanks for the thoughts man , like you don't have enough on your plate right now.

But nah l don't lean on her much though it's more her me, she's got a lot of stuff going on and no one to support her or talk to, l don't really mind atm.

l think though yeah , we'll likely just drift apart like this in it's own natural time anyway l'd say l already feel it myself if it's not going any further.

And for sure me either , l certainly wouldn't be rushing into anything new  but l was def' too over cautious with gf so l'll try not to drag myself out too long next time if there is one.

Ofc you'd be disappointed with your marriage though you wouldn't be human not  and tbh same for me with myself and our 6yrs now.

The last thing l wanted to do was blow 6yrs at this stage. For us ldk if l would've passed though either or how to look at that 6yrs now. Bc it was very very very unique and there was some incredible time within it all too l'd never ave with anyone else sooooo, how do l view that 6yrs then right. Not that that even matters now bc it won't give them back sooooo, then again, suppose l've just answered my own question.

[randomxx]

Could get a double post here first try seems to have gone west.

But yeah would do , l'm not into forcing anything for me nature needs to take it's course.

But l hear you on the caution thing too. Actually tbh, it was probably over cautiousness and not committing to gf x that did it, especially at the 5 yrs mark, or maybe it was lucky that l was, dk. l mean there were big reasons for it earlier but by the 4yrs mark most were sorted but by then was also when she started going all over the place and although she'd called it other things there were def' disappointments and things coming out too and she did warn me. 

Nother story won't go into spilt milk but , l am hoping if there is a next time l see what l need too earlier in and don't over do the caution bs. At the same time though yeah, kinda feel even moreso in other ways now so. Butttt, hopefully that'll just take care of itself too and will probably be the same for you later as well. l mean your situations def a one off but at the same time as we get older so do they too and there's a def difference in MH and baggage for all of us.

But nah l don't lean on her much at all actually that sort of things usually about her problems tbh, poor things always got no shortage of those. The companies still nice though and she certainly is happily still there if l do have anything buttt, tbh l think we'll probably just drift off from here in our own time and way and hopefully that takes care of itself too.  lt def' will if someone new was to come along but same there too, l don't feel like pushing anything right now.

One things for sure though you've got your hands full atm so don't feel obliged or anything here you've got enough to deal with atm and l hope your both getting through ok.

rx

[TheFarSide]

It's good to have avenues to vent the spleen.  At the moment she is going through major shifts in mood - one minute its a calm willing to talk persona then its like a tornado has struck.   She is all over the place and could probably benefit from some help/counseling etc.  You can't force these things though and she has no what I would call 'deep friendships' where she could talk it out and regain some balance. 

For me it is almost a little looking in from the outside of the relationship at the moment.  Not long ago I would have been trying to calm her down - looking at what has to be done or said to keep the marriage going this time round.  But I think she realizes I am not coming back from where we are and it's having some impact on her life even though in reality I don't think she would want the marriage back either.

[randomxx]

Yeah , l 'd think it would be hitting home for her now and she'd def' be feeling your shift and sitting back as you say, rather than the attention she'd be normally getting with you trying. Sometimes l use to think it was all about attention with the person l knew, and that reassurance over and over draining the hell out of the you.

l wonder if in time she might even tone down from here now that it's not working anymore and that'd at least make all this easier on you both.

Mind you l could be a mile off but ldk maybe she'll feel some peace too if the  acceptance can move in over time for her too.

Anywayyyy, for what it's worth from the outside here it sounds like you've got this and doing a great job in keeping your balance through it all now, as hard as that all must be , it's on the right track.