Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Saw your post on my thread. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so miserable. 

Big hugs

[randomxx]

Thanks for that cm, unfortunately though,  pretty well since day one really.The warmer weather helped earlier at least l was getting some beautiful time down the beach and kayaking but yaknow. Stuff can be a temporary distraction and help in that way butttt, end of the day things are still there and are what they are .

[randomxx]

Actually was coming in to say a bit here tonight bc we talked a bit today actually.

But she just sounds so damn unhappy and resigned, so negative, so closed to life,hope, still thinks she's doomed.

God ldk, talk about self prophecy. She's never like that together she often just literally sparkles. So weird that she just can't see the difference it's huge and l'll bet if l walked in the door tomorrow she'd be back to herself that minute. l've even seen that switch many times actually. l mean she's def had a bit of a neurotic edge last 6mths but still full of life though.

ldk she gets alone up at her place and slips back happens every time.

l mean being alone here at mine isn't helping me one bit either so l'm not saying it's easy but once she starts getting so negative and low though she starts just starts blocking life and thinking she's done.

l've got a very sad and depressed d on my hands atm that alone is almost unbearable yet nowhere or anyone to talk to about it , and a very sad and depressed gf or ex or whatever we are to and plus myself as well.

Quite a party really right.

[randomxx]

Was thinking about that last post all night listening to myself .

Thing is, a few mths back talking to my brother. He's 50s but never had much luck in relationships so he decided to go see someone. 

He hoped to figure out if problems were him or them. But anyway, won't go into everything but l was really surprised at one thing in particular and what she told was a very big part of his problem.

She said one thing was very clear in his history and that he'd been overlooking things and flags most of his life.

She said women in particular will often usually show you who they are within wks but men often tend to over look serious flags right in front of them. Said women with issues tend to almost subconsciously flaunt their issues right there but a really common mistake men make is in not taking them seriously early on and getting out while they can. They often persist yrs on end only for it to all come to ahead eventually anyway when all the signs were there to begin with.

l've seen this in women myself whether they realize it or not and have usually taken notice of it but alas. Hearing myself in the last post and lots of others too, l've also been guilty of over looking them myself too and not listening to some bloody loud bells that were basically in my face day one.

And here l am, still wrestling with all the same stuff really with gf that's been going on for yrs, just like she told him.

Mind you , as l've said all through , for me it was about the good things and they are very very special things that meant so much to me and so on the other hand they were why l've persisted since day one though too.

So yeah maybe l've made this very common mistake too she told many men do, but for me it was for very special reasons yet still, nonetheless, here l am and they're still all there just like she said.

She told him for some reason but especially women with issues will often basically almost blatantly flaunt them to a man usually within the first few wks and that any man should be taking serious notice of them bc they won't normally change and usually only get worse as the relationship goes on.

Well , he says it seems it all helped and worked for him he finally found himself a really special lady a few yrs back, she seems like a real jewel they even look like marrying.

Thing for me in all this is , atm it's kinda  like we'd be starting a new you could say if we did go on from here.

Buttttt, sadly despite also having such special things to me so much l've also talked about through the thread is still just going on.

lf l look at it as starting a new , if we did, then all those bells are there already.

Sad stuff but truth of it is that they are. GF even admits she's gotten much worse and changed a lot, basically showing me right there just like his physiologist told him women will do.

ldk wth.

rx

[TheFarSide]

We men tend to follow for the most part a very logical path through life... where we see the need to act we generally do and will so in a way to maximize the outcome and minimize the effort.  That of course sounds a bit bland or mechanical when you apply that process to an emotive situation.   It's also not strictly true of all men as we are all on a curve with variations.

With my own experience my wife just seems to be constantly angry, defensive or prickly and expects that it should be accepted, and I should still bow down like a serf to bid her command.  Of note is that most of that behavior (which also seems to fit majority of BPD relationships I've read about) is directed at the 'favorite' person/partner.  For her its win/win whereas for me it feels like a lose, sometimes break even and then lose again situation.  But truthfully, I allowed myself to be here - my choice - I'm not here because some court ordered a process that I must endure until 20 years have past.

Recently a friend of mine went out with a pwBPD and a few other disorders for about 8-9 months.   He experienced first-hand the total array of mood shifts, behavioral swings and utter chaos these people (when untreated and unwilling to change) can bring to the relationship equation.   

He had for quite some time been somewhat skeptical of what I had told him about my own relationship however personal experience is a great teacher...

I knew the girl he dated very well - she also told me in the past she had been diagnosed with BPD and was only just starting DBT. 

Now he saw all the red flags and warning signs and ignored them all - didn't take them seriously - even when I said you need to be careful he just put up the blinders.   

The relationship was like a trainwreck in slow motion from start to finish. 

She took money, slept with other people, smashed her car up, cut herself, put him on a pedestal and then kicked it out from under him and then finally ending up getting pregnant to another man...

This is when he finally took control of his mental health and ended the matter.   

That ending of course didn't mean he let go...

Some people no matter what you do or say to them, or what support you offer are simply sometimes not nourishing for our own mental, emotional and physical health.  Sometimes they are just not ready to be as mature emotionally as we need them to be...

The difficulty and really the shame in it all is that in my experience men struggle with letting go of the people we allow to be our partners - something that perhaps in borne out in that divorces and separations are usually initiated by women.

RX - I've said this before - life is short - make the most of your time. 

You will always find an ear to lean on with me without any judgement.   

But as a side note - no matter how old you are and if you are a decent person - remember there are 8 odd billion people on the planet... The odds of finding someone to partner with who is a good match for you as a person has never been better.

The caveat - as the knight said to Indiana Jones at the end of The Last Crusade - 'Choose Wisely"...  

All people on the planet start out life deserving to live a happy life - but - that doesn't mean that as humans we are entitled to it.  It has to be earned, cared for and worked on by yourself and those you let in to share your journey.

[randomxx]

We talked yesterday and all last night later l could still hear it all in my head and things she was saying.

Bells right there, just like there was day one and you could sort of call this day one all over again really and a second chance at deciding about whether l wanna ignore them this time- or listen to them and accept it and walk away just like the therapist told my brother men really need to do.

Thing is 5 yrs it's true, l have been wrestling with them all despite  those goods so special . The only spanner in it is that what if l did commit earlier in, maybe that security in her with us would have then settled her down well she's still never had that so maybe that's why her stuff is still coming and she hasn't.

A lot of it is related really, to a lack of self confidence in a way and a lack of confidence in us too and in me and as to where l'm always at with my holding back. She sabotages a lot too and even that could be about all the same stuff and just not believing in us and me. ldk.

l wouldn't know for sure and she's a grown woman and perfectly able to talk to me and tell me with her own words why she's the way she is and has been and of whether l'm right or wrong.

So there is that to derail that idea and l- us,  usually don't even come up when she is on about all her stuff.

Like stuff she was saying yesterday, really none of it was anything to do with me it was just all her stuff.

Suppose l should be listening to those big red bells to right.

[randomxx]

Ah thx for that fs always appreciated and nice to see you about even if sadly not under better circumstances .

So sorry to hear more of the w situation but unfortunately l do relate. The person l knew sounded so similar not to your mates but a lot like your w.

 she was a very loyal person but in things you describe about your w , yeah unfortunately l saw a lot of that too. We weren't even in a full relationship , she was somebody l met after my marriage. At first we could not believe it , she was perfect ,l was perfect it was as if both our lives and divorces had all evolved just so that we would meet later on at that time we did.

She was mind blowing , but at the same time l think it was only the second day after we met- she just did something . Wrote me a letter , in full capitals. She was qualified pilot so no dummy and l knew this letter wasn't right right there.

l only knew her 12mths and by this stage l'd started reading up on things and  learnt about BPD but we still hadn't become actually involved l just couldn't drop my guard on things.

Well one night , she was over in the US that wk and we were just messaging but after being the most loving, fun and much much more, person she could've possibly have been for a few wks,all of her good side and then some, she suddenly just took of and into another tyrant , full capitals, for pages and pages.

Earlier that night was probably the closest we'd even been since meeting, but then that. And the stuff she was saying, man.

like l was saying she had a 3wks cycle and it was due but l'd seen and heard enough especially after that night to know l wasn't going any further and so sadly that had to be that.

Strangely around that exact wk or so though, l somehow, also just met gf now too. Man if it doesn't rain right . l told her about the friend explaining it all and that l will need some time. l could see first day what gf and l could be so although obviously it was too soon , l couldn't just walk away.

She was so damn brilliant and patient and understanding it just blew my my mind all over again and she was happy to take things very very slow as slow as l needed for awhile until l got myself straight.

Although the friend an l never eventuated into an actual relationship it was still an extremely emotional and often heart wrenching ride .

At any rate , so although she wasn't my w or had we ever become even fully involved, sorry man but l can def' appreciate where you must be at and the roller coaster it must be for you.

As for myself, and gf , hmmm. Didn't see your post earlier sorry but so l was saying in my previous post, yeah. After stuff she was saying Fridy, things l've heard sooooo many times, well   !!!!!

And thank you to for the encouragement and support to my friend muchly appreciated once again.

As l was saying after my marriage l met some really decent ladies aand even that friend well, she was to at heart, and incredible person but the poor thing too, well. And as is gf now too , tell you what she's an amazing girl on the upside.

So ldk. Say for yourself or for me , to me l'd have no doubt either of us would come across that someone , they are out there that l can swear by .

Myself though- do l even want to bother again , on that one, not so sure about just yet.

You take care man and the same back at you if you need to talk just get in here any time at all ok.

[randomxx]

l feel like l'm always blaming gf for letting herself be the way she can be but it's so easy to forget that it's really not even her fault.

I feel like sayin to her and have a few times look just stop this will ya we've been there 100 times just snap out of it your talking total rubbish.

But it's not even her it's the depression and anxiety. Not like she hasn't tried she's been seeing professionals and specialists for yrs and tried many meds.

End of the day though is that she blocks life blocks everything when she's like this and how much can you deal with you know.

[CMF]

Rx

I was negative with M. I'd make comments that he hated. I was like that though cos I was unhappy and couldn't see what a future with him would look like his of him & sis.  I told him this.  That I couldn't picture what we'd look like till I was able to be just with him, without sis around all the time. I still feel it's the reason we split. He knew he'd always rely on her & put her before me & he knew it wasn't fair on me. 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that cm and yeah l don't blame ya always said you needed your own normal time together to really know about him and lots of it like a normal couple.

And l understand that undertone your talking about seen that in many women around their partners , gf, she's not really like that.

But whether her stuff is that from me frustration just coming out in another form from your thing, yeah, l've wondered a lot with my not committing thing.

End of the day it's still just the same as m , he wouldn't do this or that to show you what you needed, maybe she could get better if l'd done more, l really can't tell if it's that or just her anxiety and depression.

l'd like to try it actually , but that'd mean starting up again and l'd still be worried her stuff would never end anyway no matter what l did.