Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[TheFarSide]

I think you know what I'd suggest RX.   

But I understand you also need to be in the right frame to make that call for yourself.   

For me I have decided to leave my BPD wife - it's a firm choice but it will take some time to organize given life, costs, moves, jobs, selling  etc etc etc. 

When she got physical with me years ago and I forced a separation (in where we actually lived apart in separate residences) and it forced her into DBT therapy or she would lose me (that was the choice I gave her then) - she did choose DBT and things started very well - I had hope for a change - she appeared to be getting better as I agreed for us to move back together after about 8-10 months.  When we moved into the new place it started off ok but she dropped the course then all the old behaviors started to come back.  The positive though is that instead of episodes occuring every 7 days it might be 3 weeks before blowouts - thank god for small mercies hey. 

Anyway following on from the DBT I had always said to myself that if she got physical with me again, that I would cease the relationship - today she did.  The DV side of her personality came out - that's the end of it for me.  It's a conscious choice as opposed to an emotional one - my emotions are nonexistent and my logic says this is unhealthy. 

RX I can but wish you well in the dilemma you face... I'm not sure why relationships need to be this way or why people need to act with complete disregard or respect for others.   

Please put yourself first and take as much heed of the advice you would give your kids if they were in your shoes as you can...

[randomxx]

Ahhh l'm very sorry to hear that FS, damn. For awhile there l'd hoped there might be a chance.

The person l knew had a 3wk cycle , God she was so damn good in between but then it was like she just had this burning need inside to just blow things up for a bit, around the 3wk mark, like clock work.

l tried a lot of things recommended and some would work for awhile but she'd find ways to counteract them and bounce back with vengeance before long every time.

Complicated situation for you man, a bit of a rocky road awhile for sure and again sorry to hear it but if it's any consolation to me personally, sounds like you've made the right decision. The problem is as you know now, you'll never be able to trust the situation they'll probably just cycle over again as they have.

My situation, yeah. lf l knew the whole story and had met her and spent time with her, saw the person she is and the couple first hand, l'd probably suggest to my kids see it through this last time do what you need to but if no success then let it go from there and move on. Something like what my d said to me actually lol.

Anyway here if you need to talk mate and you take care atm to eh.

rx

[randomxx]

Although, of course. Even with everything above it's so different at your kids age and of course you wouldn't want them dealing with this sort of thing. No way things should be this complicated for them at their age.

Unfortunately for us though and our partners, with decades more under the belt well, just about anyone l know have dealt with soooo much stuff as a couple and l did to especially through marriage all this is actually nothing compared really.

If we thought about it which l'm not gonna ha ha, makes ya wonder wth we even bother doesn't it eh.

[TheFarSide]

In hindsight I'm not sure why I'd bother - but more importantly at the rate of separation in the world (divorce or otherwise) why does anyone.   The world has become very transient in a lot of ways and the obligation one used to have to try and work things out together (lets assuming everyday relationships - not extremes) has been replaced by endless options to which someone can escape.   Happy relationship stories to me seem to occupy very minimal space on the YouTube bookshelf - mostly any relationship stuff is about problems, people wanting to leave or about the chase - how about something that helps people engage with each other to build a deeper connection or some interpersonal life skills to handle when things don't quite go the way you'd like... etc etc

You got to do what you think is right Rx - some will say try once more, some say fight, and some like me will say move on... no-one will know the outcome of any of these ahead of time, but you know what makes you happy.

Perhaps its time to look in the mirror and answer that question honestly to yourself - and that is hard - coz it can be scary for so many reasons.

Generally speaking, I am a romantic, loving and warm human.  Living with a BPD all these years has tested that capacity more than I care to think about.   When my wife crossed the line recently, I had to look at myself in the bathroom mirror - I mean really look at the human being in the glass looking back - and then be honest to myself about everything that brought me to this time and place... The good the bad the ugly.

No matter how we try it is very hard to build a stable, warm home and/or relationship where the plot beneath your feet only has shifting sands to put the foundation on.

[randomxx]

Yeah internet wise it does but l don't take to much notice of the dribble splattered all over it and thankfully most of that stuff is American and we're not near that far gone yet thank God.

lt really scares me though the poison that's just spread out there in these times and the way it's crossing oceans all over, hate it all it's messing too many people up including sadly the youngies too.

But ahhh, thanks man but tbh, no need l've had my reasons right through and to why l've wanted to work it out with us if we can.

And of course someone else won't have this but will have that and all the rest of it every relationships it's own being l know what ours has and it's a very conscious choice bc of those.

Mind you, much thought into what's done what and brought us to where we are now though don't get me wrong and of course to a lot about her and her ways to, and mine.

So true to my friend that warmth that home is one of the biggest things l've loved about her but l'm afraid l made a bit of a mess with ours with my suspicions and weariness .

Gotta be so careful not to bring the old with us into the new haven't we man.

[randomxx]

ldk if it is that hard at these sort of ages or if it's just our ways and baggage or perhaps just the wrong person or whatever the case.

My first relationship since my marriage really but when l did get out there again l was very thankful that at these sort of ages here anyway thank God, anyone l'd met and it is the sort of person l look for anyway but were mostly old school. Met some damn nice girls tbh so l'd still be hopeful things aren't too far gone.

Gf was just the one that pushed all the right buttons and then some though butttt, she also had all her stuff to , most of which wasn't her fault.

l look back sometimes though , one girl for example had 5 houses, drove , was completely independent and she was such a sweetheart and gorgeous to buttt, no buttons. l sure could've chosen an easier road though.🙄

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Saw your post on my thread.

Sending you big hugs too my friend.

[randomxx]

Thx for that cm.

Been a real shyt of a few mths actually , work and stress bills and some fines, dk who l must've pissed off lately, but then gf stuff on top of it.

Muchly appreciated cuddle my friend.

[TheFarSide]

Must be the season (or a sign of the cost of living) to see the fines (and more government concern) come out... I got one too.   Anyway, we move on - the fight isn't worth the exchange. 

Where are things actually at with your partner Rx - has there been any communication that would lead to a resolution of any sort (either way) or any plans to catch up face to face?  I also get the heart wants what it wants.  So whatever path you choose may it be walked with support of this forum to reach the peace found at the end of that yellow brick road...

I'm not a big fan personally of this - not had any positive experiences when it comes to utilizing this, but some I know speak well of it - has there been any capacity to have any couples therapy - even if online through zoom/teams.

[randomxx]

Yeah , look it's the only way it can be for me. lt's weird really you can meet someone that literally has it all, everything you could want in every way you know butttt, that doesn't mean she'll light the fire.There were times back in single days l'd thought l truly must need my head read tbh but, there's not much l can do. Gf, wasn't as perfect as some but 10x more and she lit it well and truly.

She's actually suggested couples therapy back when but we haven't gotten there. l'm a bit like yourself on that one tbh,maybe l should've God knows.

We have talked a bit just this wk actually but nah haven't touched on things we're both too stressed right now and l've known that so l'm just go on with things really. Taking some time and some perspective atm for now.

l hope your holding up alright my friend.

rx