Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

l was thinking about her a lot last night and so this morng l thought l might keep my ph with me at work and she called.

So nice to hear her voice and to talk, all the stuff l'm not suppose to be feeling l know.

She's one of these people just can't say the word sorry but l know when she's trying. She explained that her anxieties been so bad this last yr or so she just hasn't ben herself. But new meds she's been trying and that she didn't want to tell me about, l hate most of them l've seen the effects l've seen a lot of it and tbh she's usually better on just nothing at all tbh. Said they kind of calm the anxiety a bit but they do do other weird things and one is hype her up and so she's been a bit of a nut. Typical bloody meds half fix one thing but inflict another.

Anywayyyy, so that's just her way of saying she's really sorry she's been such a pain in the arse.

lt's not very often she see's herself really either so maybe the hyper has done something there too.

Anyway , we didn't talk about us or anything but she asked about all my stuff and how l've been going so that was also really nice to see too bc it means she has been missing me and thinking and wondering after all. l've got a bad habit of underestimating her and thinking the worst but l suppose in this situation that's what we just do anyway right.

And we just talked about all kinds of stuff and hers too for a few hrs, later she text me a bit but nothing us just a few other things and l didn't bring anything us up either.

truth is l could cave in in 1 second flat if l don't watch myself so l tried to just leave it there later and just wanted to think for awhile.

ldk , it makes such a huge difference that she's actually been aware of the changes though and side effects and of those effects on me .

Just wish l had've known l always ask about meds but l know she'll sneak a few and won't wanna worry me but she wasn't sleeping either and jumping all night l shoulda guessed it right there she's usually a pretty calm sleeper.

All makes me feel guilty now bc she also come back from japan to more crap right on Christmas to that she's still all over sydney as we speak and trying to get it all fixed though no fault of her own.

lately l've been thinking we really have to allow when one has MH problems be tolerant, supportive, try not to stress it just give things a chance to come out when they will type thing.

ldk.

rx

[randomxx]

She's apologize and acknowledge silly little things all day long but somem bigger and important , didn't happen, until further notice.

[randomxx]

Realizing l take her crap too seriously when it's just meds or anxiety coming out in spats. ldk , you wanna help sometimes or at others it's just driving you a bit crazy but at the end of the day if l just remembered to not even worry about it she;d probably just go in her circle and work it through.

Maybe the trick is to just let it do it's thing go on with mine and just be still around when it's done, tell ya it's some kind of art form that's for sure.

She's even told me that a few times but l always forget , she says just say yes dear and let me go - ha, l should stamp that cross my forehead.

l was thinking over at the beach on the wkend ha, l've got this this isn't too bad at all if this is the way it goes well so be it just try to go do whatever l want how bad is that.

l don't know actually. How much is too much , how much do you live with with MH stuff and when is enough enough this is the question.

She not a nut in any nasty ways she's always still loving and warm well cept for when she goes of a bit but that's never directed at me in any way unlike some of the other stories around l read about. Some of those to me anyway it would def' be time to either put the foot down and if that didn't work, get out.

easier said than done l know not as black and white as that especially if they've had 30 yrs together a family and so much life.

Well at least we don't have that side of things or time span and she isn't in the ways they often talk about by any means either we still have many many good things between us and love , warmth , affection , jesus no wonder l'm stuck.

[randomxx]

And many other things that your very lucky to just have but even if we could work with her meds, MH and all which l reckon a lot of would pass too anyway when she's worked through meno alone. At any rate though it does still leave the syd/vic problem so that'd mean going on as is for another 2yrs poss 3 before we could fix that one now as she still needs some legalities finalized that's 2yrs off, don't ask it's too bloody complicated.

The only way round it is for her to walk away from everything she's finally got going there now and sorted, and move down to mine, l couldn't live at her place.

l need  coffee.

[Carus]

Hi Random* - I've been following along but sorry I haven't posted much as I've been trying to navigate my own situation as you know....

Yeh it's difficult isn't it when we still care so much about someone yet there's so many reasons why it just won't work as a couple....and as males we get wound up tight WANTING to make it work....

In the last week or so I've had to stop getting so wound up about where my relationship is at with my GF and just pull it back to just being a no expectations, caring friend to her.....and so far that seems to be a good angle to take....for both me and her.....

Perhaps you need to take the same approach with your situation.....

You need to be ok with any outcome though.....But sometimes releasing the grip and/or changing tack is the best way to go...not just with relationships*

Regards
Carus 🙏

[randomxx]

Hi again carus and thanks for taking the time man , God knows you've had your hands full so that was very good of you.

l think you might've summed up there what she's tried to tell me herself with her yes dear, l just need to as you say more just be there and not worry too much bc your spot with the fixing to, l'm afraid l am a bit of a fixer to- which never seems to help much anyway l'm finally realizing actually.

Nice to hear the change of tactics working atm anyway and good luck with it all and def' time l tried it to l think.

All the best

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx & Carus 

Great advice about caring but no expectations.  I love ' release the grip'

 that's what I'm doing. Rx, you can still love her without being in a relationship.  Iknow it's hard for you with the distance & wondering if she's OK. 

It all socks I know. The confusion. The anxiety. I hope you find something for you this weekend. The kayak?

[randomxx]

Hiya cm and yeah l was thinking of you reading carus, seems to be working for you to and it's spiking m up a bit so not a bad try for me to maybe l think.

l mean her calling changed a lot things and acknowledging and explaining to, that's a big advance for her. And tbh the way we were just us and talking again , just so us, so nice, last few days now it's quietly kinda got my hopes up again bugger, gotta stop that.

Someone here was saying in 30yrs medical cannabis is the only thing that's helped their depression and anxiety and l've heard a lot about that myself to so l told her about that to, could be well worth a try she's pretty keen.

Anywayyy, yep l'm going to the beach sunday the to hell with it really helped last wk, going back for more ha ha.

Hope you forget m for awhile and get to the pool to.

Big hug.

[Carus]

I think also there's a part of us just wants things to go back to how they were in the beginning, in the honeymoon stage.....and we start doing what we can to make that happen asap....!

But winding it back and switching focus takes a LOT of the pressure off and seems to be the right thing to do.

You have time*

[CMF]

It has spiked him up a bit but I dont6wznt a relationship with him. Not again.