Regret

[bluestar]

How do you stop feeling regret and guilty?

I was "seeing" a guy one of those friends with benefits type of situations and to top it off he was my group PT instructor. Of course i wanted more and he didn't, shit hit the fan and I got nasty and angry for being rejected. The friendship is now different and i'm feeling horrible for being such a cow. He says its all fine and we are as normal as we can be with each other at training I just feel as if he hates me and is only talking to me because he has to because he is my PT. I want it to be back how it was, i just feel useless, hurt and embarrassed. I can't take back what i said but i don't know how to stop feeling like this. I don't want to stop PT cause i love it and have made some great friends but seeing him everyday is a kick in the face. I always stuff things up.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Bluestar;

You seem in distress over a previous exchange of words, which is natural. I could imagine being around him would be uncomfortable too.

There seems to be a few issues here even though you say you want help to lose the guilt and regret. Do you feel regret for those words having consequences, or that you said them to begin with? (Or both)

Did you really mean the things you said on the day, and are they still true today?

What would you take back if you could? (In all honesty) Would this address whatever it was that caused the flare-up in the first place?

Have there been any apologies from either of you?

I ask these questions to find what's really going on for you. Relationships have many problems, but when you break them all down, they usually end up being things like fear, dishonesty and loss. Any of these sound familiar to you?

I don't have much to go on as your story is only a brief summary. Could you elaborate on the situation if it's ok? We (members on this site) can't tell you what to do or how to feel, only to help you help yourself. Questions are one of the best ways to achieve this because the answers might just get you thinking outside the box. (Head-space)

I know it's painful hun, and can take a while to settle. Please be gentle and kind with yourself, because you are your greatest advocate.

Let your story fill the page and purge yourself of this guilt and regret. You're anonymous and in a non judgmental environment. So let loose!!

Sara

[bluestar]

Hi Sara

Thanks for replying.

Regret in the consequences and for saying in the first place. hmmm i did mean them and still think he's selfish and self centred but i shouldn't have said it but i was angry and hurt. We have both said sorry to each other but i just overthink and it drives me crazy, i make things out of nothing. We used to talk all the time and now we don't and i guess i feel loss because i'm not the one he turns to anymore but then if we still spoke like we did i would still like him. Why was I good enough to sleep with but not have a relationship with?

Any tips on how to stop the over thinking?

[CJs_mum]

Hiya! ohh a toughie. I've certainly been there, done that. Ouch! Life, its a strange journey and when the heartstrings are going in a different way to what others say/want, its certainly even stranger isn't it?!

My daughters father bore the awful brunt of my absolute worst and I still feel guilt every day for everything I did and said to everyone. It was horrible. I wasn't acting myself at all and am ashamed....but I have managed to move on, grow from it. It is a Lesson learnt: to not be like that EVER again - to act my age, stop, breathe, think, take time, not respond so quickly without thought or care.
Unfortunately, we don't talk. I hope that isn't the case for you....unless you feel it is better to leave it be - that is YOUR decision alone there.
Apologise, treat yourself very kindly, move on quickly and find other, better things and people to focus on (including what you are doing in PT ant the other people there, if you can.). He'll act professional and business like by the sounds of it. Painful, but I'm very sad to say, you may have to also.
That's the tough part and my heart goes out to you there.
Look after you and hopefully the world will change 🙂 Take it easy and keep talking with us.
I hope you can find better people, good people for you, to be talking about soon hehe 😄 Peace always.

[CJs_mum]

Forgot to say: when you feel you are over thinking - don't turn to facebook! Write the thoughts down in a journal, talk with someone you trust a couple of times (but try your best not to go over and over the same stuff - trust me, that will just keep you locked in the past and unable to get out of it all), listen to some uplifting music and go for a jog or something really physical to Push it out of you, get it out: like a punching bag or something.
Tell those thoughts you "no longer want them" or "no longer want to live in the past".
Mediate.
Treat yourself well and show yourself love (eg: go treat yourself to an iced coffee or something yummy or buy a nice new *insert clothes/pair of shoes/book/music* something you like but doesn't cost the world....and you can always vent, scream or dream on here! We'll listen day or night.
Love

[geoff]

hello Bluestar, love, friendship and working together, that's what seems to be the case because he's your PT and you're doing what he tells you to do, doesn't always satisfactorily work out the way you want it to be.
In his position he didn't want to get personal with any of his members simply because it just complicates how he can train you all, because the member he is more than friendly with may complain about doing something that they don't want to do, so it just confuses the issue.
Every group he trains there would always be someone who wants to take it a bit further but he knows that it would not be ethical, or maybe he has been caught before and now knows it won't happen again.
He wants the friendship to be the same with all his clients, no one who is more important than the other, because that's how a professional should be.
Don't be upset nor embarrassed, enjoy the time with your friends and I'm sure all of you do talk about him when you are having a coffee. Geoff.

[gld]

Hi bluestar,

You are hurting over someone who does not have the same feelings which is a very hard for you to understand and i feel you are not looking for the same things as your PT. There is always that chance that either of you in a relationship of friends with benefits to become infatuated with the other and i feel some of us are unable to enter these types of relationships.

Bluestar be kind to yourself and find a person who is looking for a relationship which has the ability to develop into something more than just satisfying our sexual needs as i feel this may not be what you are truly looking for. It is very important for us to follow the direction that suits our own needs not someone else's needs.

Give yourself time to move forward and mend your feelings so you may find someone worth sharing your time with.

Gen [Hugs]

[gld]

Hi bluestar,

I feel i need to add to my above post to mention that you have nothing to regret as it is an experience you have gone through and will give you growth/knowledge to continue on your path of life.

Here is a quote i came across the other day looking through some quotes i feel could help you hand over your regret.

I don't regret what I've been through. I've had ups and downs, super highs and some really low lows. I've been so blessed that I could never say, 'I wish this didn't happen.' It's part of who I am. There's nothing in my life that's so ugh. Jennifer Lopez

Regards,

Gen

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

I can understand why you feel like you do. I think it is a normal reaction to what has happened. I have so much regret, I find it hard to believe that anyone does not have regret, or wish they'd done things differently at some point in their lives. Sure, it makes us who we are today, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't make a different decision if we could go back.

I think you have a right to feel angry. It seems as if he has taken advantage of you. He has behaved very unprofessionally. He has betrayed you as a friend. Men are from Mars! They don't think like us. He probably knew he was not interested in you in a romantic way, and if he was a decent person or 'friend', he would not have overstepped the mark, especially being your PT. He has probably taken advantage of others before you. You cannot blame yourself for his behaviour. He should have been honest upfront. Then it wouldn't have happened. You feelings don't even worry him now. He is definitely not worth your worry.

Rather than dwell on negatives thoughts and feelings, try and be thankful that you haven't wasted your precious time in a doomed relationship. You have learnt a life lesson, so that is a positive. You have gotten off relatively lightly. You deserve so much more than he would ever be capable of giving. He has not even been a good friend to you. He is the one who stuffed it up. He is the one who should be embarrassed. Gosh, I am angry that he did this to you. What a dick!

Keep your head up and move forward. It WILL be harder if you keep him as a PT. Only you know if you are strong enough to do this. It will never be 'back how it was'. It is a good thing you found out so early. You might find an even better experience with another PT/group.

We all have to learn about the emotional consequences of physical relationships. It has been a valuable lesson for the rest of your life. Your future friendships & relationships will be so much better now that you know this. You might regret it, but make it a positive thought.

You will find someone who deserves you.

[Just Sara]

Hey again Bluestar;

Your response to me was absolutely great! You have a knack of being able to express yourself in a short passage, so well done!

I'd like to add something to what's been said already, about thinking/thoughts. The moment we ask questions about what/how others think, we're going into unknown territory. Guessing can become pretty uncomfortable when we think things are worse or better than they actually are.

Getting into the 'what if's' and 'why's' can send us mad with frustration and pain. We can only answer for ourselves, so without talking with your PT, trying to guess is pretty much pointless.

What I'm concerned about is you getting on with your life and learning from this. The reason I asked about loss and fear etc, was to get you thinking about what you've invested in this situation, and what's coming back to you that satisfies your needs, if at all.

As Jugglin' says, men are from Mars! I once asked my bf if he'd thought about how hurt we both said we were while he was alone at home. His answer was; "Um...dunno. I put the footy on and had a beer, then fell asleep." Meanwhile I was at home in tears and worried sick about his well being.

Men just don't get our emotional make up, and frankly I struggle with it too. So if I'm confused, what are men supposed to do? They, on the other hand are easy! I sent a sign to a friend for his Man Shed that wrote, 'Attention women: Men's needs are as follows - Turn up naked with a slab of beer in hand' ...See? Easy!!

We're complex and full of control issues. That's us in a nutshell, we want to know and fix everything and we just can't. So we crucify ourselves, only to find out they didn't think about us once.

Seeking the unfindable (if that's a word) can become mentally habitual (and damaging) if you don't find acceptance.

Excerpt from the Serenity Prayer;

God grant me the Serenity to accept things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference...

I have this on my fridge and read it everyday. In my bad times it saved me from overthinking; allowing me to stay mindful and self focused.

Please find someone worth fighting for, yourself for instance!

Take care hun...

Sara