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Promises a baby and then takes it back.

Community Member
I have been with my fiance for 2 years and I love him but he keeps putting the breaks on our relationship.
We had a venue ready for our wedding, then he refused to pay the deposit.

2 weeks before our engagement party was my graduation from my degree I worked hard for 8.5 years. He started a fight with me over a joke my dad said and he completely ruined my day. I spent the whole family dinner in tears and cancelled my wedding dress appointment for the following weekend.

Now he knows I always wanted a baby and he asked me to get my immunizations up and start taking pre-natal vitimans. We also started getting books and I have been reading up on what is the best way non how to conceive.

Today I asked him how we were going to support our family. I don't have much in savings but I own my own home. He Dosent have any property, earns a decent wage and has 9k savings. He also currently lives with his dad and pays $50 a fortnight in board.

His response was I though you'd be paying for the baby. I said to him well I want to work as a team and asked if when he moves in fully (currently he lives here 4 nights out of 7) would he be happy with $100 a fortnight and that would be towards bills and food. He got annoyed and went back to his dad's.

Now he is saying he wants to pump the breaks again.

I'm quite hurt because all I've ever wanted is a family of my own and I feel like he has ripped it out of my arms.

I am at the point where I don't know whether to try and work through it or pack his stuff up and except that I will never have the family I wanted and I will be turning 30 with out being a mother.
4 Replies 4

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Outoffaith2020,

Wow, certainly sounds like you're having a bit of a tough time there. Chin up, lets's have a nice chat and see what we can't work out :0)

"he keeps putting the breaks on our relationship". It sounds as though he's not yet ready to commit to a serious relationship. Some guys are just happy to keep it casual and breeze through life. It's not ideal. The fact he keeps "putting the brakes on" tells you something's not right. Either he's not ready for commitment or he not the right one for you.

"We had a venue ready for our wedding, then he refused to pay the deposit" This is a concern. If he's not going to at least contribute, who is? You have to ask yourself - is this going to be his expectation through your married life? This is a bit troubling and at this early stage of your relationship too.

"2 weeks before our engagement party he started a fight with me over a joke my dad said and he completely ruined my day. Wow wow wow is all I can say. At this point of the conversation, you have to be asking yourself "is this Mr right?" It really doesn't sound like it from an outsiders perspective. It sounds as though he hasn't got the courage to say no and sabotages anything he doesn't like instead.

"Today I asked him how we were going to support our family. His response was I though you'd be paying for the baby" Outtofaith2020, really? I'm gob smacked. And so would any reasonable person reading this. This is not normal. He expects you to pay for the baby? And I'm assuming everything else that comes along with that - clothes, food, medical etc? It'd honestly be cheaper for you to be a single mum. One less mouth to feed. Where does he think he comes into the equation? Just father it and step aside?

"I asked if when he moves in fully would he be happy with $100 a fortnight and that would be towards bills and food. He got annoyed and went back to his dad's" This is a totally reasonable expectation on your part and totally within the normal boundaries of a relationship where you both work together as a team for a common goal. Does he expect to live there for free, without contributing to anything?

"I am at the point where I don't know whether to try and work through it or pack his stuff up"  I think that train left a while ago, it's just been stopping off occasionally. We can tell you either way what to do. If he was my boyfriend, he'd be history. You can't meet Mr right whilst Mr wrong is on the scene.

Back to you my friend

Rumples xo

Thank you Rumples.

I would like to have a nice chat.

1) that is the feeling I get. He has been married before and it did not end well. He says he is scared of that happening again. I have tried to make him feel secure. To be honest I don't know what else to do to make him feel comfortable and he is my priority.
I own my home jointly with my dad. It was the only way we could get an affordable home after my mum passed away.
He says he does not like this and he wants his own place which I have said I would happily move if he got a place. I also offered to move into his dad's house and pay rent there. To which he said his dad had a problem with that.

2) we did originally have an agreement thathatg I would pay for house renovations and building an apartment out the back of my home for my dad to live in, he would pay for the wedding. We agreed on a budget which is under what he currently had in savings. He then refused to pay the deposit. I did offer to pay half and he still said no.
I feel the same. I know it is troubling, I just keep hoping it will improve, some days he is really great. It is just when he feels uncomfortable that things go extremely pear snapped. He has seen a psychologist but he has stopped seeing him now.

3) I feel like this sometimes too, it's like everything is going too well and he has to do something to create drama. To be honest, I still have not forgiven him fully for ruining my day. I worked so hard for that degree and I now have no photos of me smiling when I graduated. I'm crying in all of them. It was also a hard day because it's all my mum wanted was to see me graduate and she passed away about a year before I graduated.

3) yes he did say that, I am not sure if he was joking or being serious. He tried to brush it off after and saw I was anxious but when I presented him with the solution I did, he got quiet and then left. He left in such a rush he forgot all of his work stuff.
I was going to drop it to him but he became very nasty with me so I didn't do it.

4) I thought it was reasonably, I know it's $50 more than what he pays now, but he would be contributing to bills and food, where he just pays board atm and has to pay for all his food. At the moment I don't ask him to pay for food. He sometimes pays for a food shop or he will buy me lunch but I always offer to pay or at least pay for myself.
I didn't think I was being unreasonable or "golddigging" I just want to work as a team.

5) I do know exactly what you are saying and I feel like there is nothing more I can do, but I don't want to give up hope. We have great times where life is perfect and we cuddle up and he rubs my belly and says he can't wait to rf us to be a family. Then this stuff happens.

I'm 29, he's 37 and I just feel like time has run out. I want want to start over again and I worry he will be alone.
He doesn't speak to his brothers, his mother passed away but he was more upset his ex wife was at the funeral than the actual funeral.
He only has one friend he talks to, the others don't really make an effort.

Hi Outoffaith2020,

Thanks so much for responding. Your comments really help to draw a clearer picture.

The fact that he's been married prior isn't really an issue, The fact that it "didn't end well" might be. The fact that he's saying he's "scared of it happening again" would infer that he may feel he himself may bring about the same ending with a different partner. Something to think about.

As for him not wanting to move into your home as he wants "his own place". Isn't what's yours his, and his yours? It doesn't sound like that's his thinking. It sounds more along the lines of isolating you. Certainly something worth considering. It also suggest that he's not prepared to have your dad as part of his life in the future? I loved having my mother in-law living in a granny flat at the back out our house. She's my family, why wouldn't I want her with us? As far as his father not wanting you to move in as you suggested, the fact that this was shut down is a concern as well. Is this how he will see you in the future, non-inclusive? If he doesn't accept you now as his sons girlfriend, what's going to change if/when you become his wife?

I personally find it troubling that he would want you to agree to pay for house renovations and building an apartment out the back of your home for your dad to live in by yourself. Love means one in, all in. As for him refusing to pay the wedding deposit, even after he reneged and you offered to pay half, you have to think to yourself sweety "is this really the kind of man I want to spend the rest of my life with?"

To be honest with you sweety, it sounds like you're fearful of your maternal body clock ticking away and turning a blind eye to the negatives in your relationship and just "hoping it will improve". If you're experiencing all these issues with him as a boyfriend, what's it going to be like if/when he's your husband? I think your setting yourself up for failure here.

You have to consider the fact that he intentionally ruined your graduation day, and you generally only ever get one of those in each lifetime. He had to have known how hard you'd worked to reach that day and what it meant to you. The fact that he left you in tears and this is reflected in your photo's, isn't a resounding plus for this guy, especially taking mums passing into the equation and what it meant to her.
The fact that he may/may not have been joking about you funding the baby's needs is neither here not there, when you pushed him for clarification and he responded by storming out and leaving you, he may not have been joking and that you expect the same response in future similar circumstances. Him becoming "very nasty" with you is a very bad sign in itself and not ideal.
Any many worth his weight in salt would be more than willing to share the financial burden with his fiancee or wife. It's totally unfair of him to expect you to cover it all. $100 a weeks for accomodation, food and utilities is NOTHING. And the fact he's currently staying there rent free and not contributing to wards your food or other bills is a failure on his part. If he in fact used the term "gold digger" towards you, gives you an insight into his thinking.

You being 29, you've still got PLENTY of time to have children sweety and you WILL meet Mr right. You might be alone for a short time until Mr right comes along. It's a price you might have to pay for the sake of you and your future children. No children with the wrong man is a much better option than one or two with.

Love to hear your thoughts :0)

Rumples xoxo