Hi Richard
It's incredibly tough and soul destroying when the question 'Why am I here?' becomes more of a statement (Why am I here!).
Life at the very depths of depression is so overwhelmingly different to life outside of depression, which I know is a pretty obvious statement. I felt various levels of my depression for about 15 years of my life up until some time ago. Now, I can see certain factors with greater clarity, such as the 'Why am I here' aspect. If you were to ask 'Why am I here in this dark and depressing world?' consider the answer to be 'To bring light to it'. You might then ask 'How am I, of all people, to bring light to this world?', the answer may be 'To simply make a couple of kittens happy at the moment' or 'When I track down my ex and bring light to her life, she will pass it onto others'. You'll know you've achieved such a simple task when the kittens happily react or when you ex smiles or laughs.
There are folk throughout history who have been deeply challenged by the darkness in this world and by the thoughtlessness and cruelty of others. They could not stand it anymore and set out to make changes. Sometimes their theory was 'If such oppression leads others to feel as depressed as me, I cannot let us continue to suffer this way'. This is how revolutions happen.
It is one thing to bring light to others, it is another to bring light to our self. Myself, I've become obsessed with acquiring knowledge over the years. I have to know things that will feed my consciousness/awareness. I may not always have the motivation but when I do have it, I can become hellbent on finding solutions to challenges. Spend a heck of a lot of time wondering about things. By the way, it's not enough to simply wonder, sometimes progressive action is needed. An incredibly simple task in the way of wondering may involve you looking around your house for things made of different textures or things that involve producing various curious noises, so you can find and answer to 'I wonder what will amuse the kittens? What will bring them to life?'
I understand that all this may be hard to relate to. The chemistry or lack of it that comes with depression can definitely take over our perception. I do remember those incredibly torturous days.
Curious about some of the things you have always wondered about but never gave further thought to investigating.
Take care
