Pregnant and struggling
Somebody please tell me I'm not crazy!
I'm 7 weeks pregnant, it was planned, my husband and I have been together for 10ish years and he is excited. I'm trying to be...but I'm not.
When we first got together I was certain I wanted to have kids some day and that day has come. I struggled in the last few years about whether or not I wanted kids, I just can't think of any good reasons why I would. It looks like hard work, expensive, stressful, and my own childhood was pretty ordinary at times due to an overbearing and unstable mother.
We decided to start trying and I was so excited, then I got pregnant straight away. I was excited when I didn't think about it too much, like the day to day stuff. Now at 7 weeks I dont remember the last time I didn't feel 8/10 nautious, nothing interests me and every time I see a baby on tv or out and about I feel sick and I just cringe.
I don't know if I want this. I kind of mentioned to my husband how I was feeling but he got so upset and started talking about abortions and how he will have to leave and find someone who does want kids. He didn't mean it in a nasty way, he was just being practical.
On top of this, he has not worked for a year (for medical reasons, still has money coming in), is depressed and going through a lot and has just been diagnosed with diabetes which is really messing him up. He is driving me crazy, I love him, I know logically I do. But I can't stand him right now!
I feel like I have no control over my body, my boobs aren't even fun any more, they're practical and sore. I was finally at my goal weight and enjoying the gym. Now I can't bare to even get off the couch.
Is this all just hormones? Am I going to want this baby eventually? I feel like I'm ruining my life! Everything is going to change so much and I can't see any positives right now!
Suggestions? Thoughts? Help me!
Hi Anon85 and welcome to the forums.
Nope. Not remotely crazy. There is a world of difference between the theoretical idea of pregnancy and children and the reality. It is a massive life change and wondering whether you made the right decision for you is I believe a pretty normal feeling.
That said... I don't think it is just hormones. You sound like you're really struggling. Any chance the midwife or your GP has done the k10 checklist with you yet? This is a basic screen for depression and anxiety and would be worth checking. It is possible to become depressed even during pregnancy so I would ask for a medical opinion too.
I've never been a particularly maternal person either. Had never wanted to hold a baby until my own were born. And although depression returned I didn't have a problem bonding with my children. It is understandably something you are anxious about... But also something to remember you may never have an issue with..
What does your offline support network look like? Your husband's reaction didn't sound too supportive but he also sounds like he has issues of his own to manage. But you need people you can talk to, confide in and ask for help. Is there anyone in your life who you can rely on?
I hope you keep reaching out and talking. It is absolutely ok to be scared and unsure. But what matters most is making sure depression isn't an issue first and if it is getting it managed properly.
Thank you for your response. I was writing from such an emotional place that I totally forgot to mention some very important info...I am no stranger to depression, I have gone through 3 or 4 bouts of quite serious clinical depression which I manage really well normally now and I take daily medication which I reduced about 3 weeks ago when I found it I was pregnant...I feel a bit silly for not putting it together before *facepalm*
I did the k10 just now and come out at 21, moderate, which fits how I'm feeling. If I'm honest, I'm afraid I will spiral really fast as I always have in my previous bouts.
I think I am most afraid of the coming responsibility and whether or not I will be able to cope with it or if I'll be selfish or unable to cope.
I haven't been around children much in my life, babies especially.
I do have a great support network but I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this,I feel ashamed and afraid of judgement.
I'm glad you returned to write and even more so that you got something from my response.
One of the benefits I've found from having previous episodes of major depression is that we can learn and get better at identifying what works and what doesn't for us. Plus if your support network know about your experiences previously it is easier to start a conversation.
Do you think you'll return to your doctor and check in about your k10 results since reducing your meds?
Is it ok if I ask why you feel ashamed to talk about being afraid of being a parent? Someone told me once that me asking for help and being worried about stuffing up as a parent was a sign of a good parent. That I'm willing to swallow my pride and be judged as long as it means my kid's needs are met.
It is alright to admit you aren't sure what you're doing. Even the most confident Mums I know admit being a parent is trial and error and just keeping on trying.
Selfishness seems like a negative word but it isn't a bad thing. I learnt the hard way we do need to make sure our needs are met too. How can you care for another if you are run down and unwell? It is great to hear you have lots of support. Perhaps that is a way to start the conversation... I'm scared of losing my independence and sense of self once it is all about baby... What did you do to maintain balance?
Hope today has been an easier day for you.
Hey there Anon85, this might seem weird but i'm just a stupid 19 year old boy, but as sad as it is, I do believe what you're going through is felt by a lot of women, I think a lot of this may be due to hormones. I don't really have any experience around the pregnancy field, but my mother's currently going through an early menopause a good portion (not all of course) of what you're saying really synergises with what she has also explained to me about how she feels.
I know this isn't really the best FeelGood reply but I do hope it gives you some closure or really anything positive.