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Pregnant and alone - feels even worse than Juno ( as that was hilarious )

Indigo1981
Community Member

So I am already a single mum of a six year old ( had a failed marriage - so obviously not my forte ) .  Met a man - who was a little bit of an introvert, extremely intelligent, compassionate, humanitarian and we fell in love so quickly. As he smokes pot a lot ( he is prone to over thinking things and locking himself and smoking as a coping mechanism). Anyway - so we were dating for three months and he would always bring up " doubts " we would need to discuss these in great detail eg - he in future would want to live on a farm- I have an apartment near the beach - and he couldn't see me as a farm type person . So we would discuss how we could combat this " possible issue" in our relationship ( for me - I don't think nearly as much as I should - I go with being happy in the moment - so we are opposites ). 

 so as he had these doubts - he's a bohemian and values his freedom and I am the definition of someone who is settled - and then I got pregnant ( was on the pill) - so of course - his response " I was already doubting the practical aspects of us - this is huge" - he then didn't talk to me much for a week . We met up and I said to him " I'm seriously considering keeping it - I'm 34 - it may not happen again but I don't expect anything from you" . Two days later - after he went into his black hole and smoked his body weight in pot - he broke up with me. He loves me and cares for me " isn't feeling it - it doesn't feel right, he's not sure if this his path ). Obviously broke my heart and now I am pregnant and alone. 

We do love and care for each other deeply - and I feel lost , being a single mum from the start isn't that appealing but I also feel like it's meant to be. 

He is also in a dark place - he is not surfing, obviously has guilt for breaking up with me and also is petrified of his freedom being taken away.

so my questions or asking for advise is 

1) how do I get through this - I miss him so much and then the decision I have to make is weighing on me - 

2) I also feel terrible for him - as I know if I have the baby he will feel trapped and I do not want that for him !  I know we probably won't get back together ( although I have hope as I adore him) but I want him happy - and aware my decision can impact this .

 I have a great support network but feel so alone - he has left me to make the choice as it is my body - but it's so hard when it impacts him too . 

Any advise would be so helpful xxxxx 

1 Reply 1

Pantheress
Community Member

Indigo how wonderful that your are going to bring a new life into the world. A little sibling for your little girl and you to love. I'm also sure, you're aware, you have no control over what your partner is feeling. I would just look forward, focus on the wonderment of the life you are growing. Look forward, continue to build a loving unit for your family. Whether this includes him, as I understand from your words, you have allowed this to be his decision. So remove this from your mind and concentrate on the positive aspects of what is happening for you all. When he is ready he will come to you. He may never be ready. This is something you have no control over, so beating yourself up over it won't help the situation. Allowing him to make his own choices really isn't entrapment. Men are funny creatures, the more you show you can get on fine without them and manage. The more they relies your life hasn't stopped to wait for them to catch up. They usually do an about turn and come back. This may be because they know you can do it alone and it occurs to them. Hey this can't be that bad if you can manage alone. It's a big step, parenthood. You've been doing it for 6 years. So on the assumption he returns, I'd put a little effort into thinking about what your willing to accept as a father for your children. It easy to jump back into the honeymoon phase but as we all know this is short lived. You may want to discuss his drug use or his passive aggressive behaviour. Or maybe buy him some reading matter on some different areas, you could post to him to let him see there are other ways of dealing with things. It's great to live in the moment but when your responsible for your little ones you also need to do a little planning. Although your man does sound like a bit of a worrier but that's okay cause we're all different. Stop stressing over what your doing to him and start concerning yourself with the little ones who are depend on you to care for them. Yes your choice impacts him. Its also impacts his child. He is an adult, right? Allow him to behave like an adult, stop taking all the responsibility, you already have a child to mother. Indigo he may never chose to come out of his man cave. he may find it to hard outside. Just try to allow yourself to grieve what could have been and what you actually had. Which may be 2 totally different things. Then take time to be kind to yourself. I really hope things turn out for you. I wish you the best in your future.