Postpartum depression and rage impacts relationship badly

[RABo]

Hi

my partner of around a decade has had issues in the past with both depression and anxiety, and now with the arrival of our baby has become completely untenable.  In particular she has had issues with feeding, and outside of pumping has given up on most self care, and is now only intermittently taking her medications.

more recently this has exploded into bouts or rage, hitting herself and throwing things.  She has also become incredibly hurtful, and though I’ve taken time off to look after the baby and basically am doing 99% of all chores and care for Bub, I’m finding it hurtful to be told how little I love or care for her.

im starting to find my own mental health is suffering, and wishing I wasn’t here anymore as each and every day i am becoming more and more tired.  I am worried when I have to go back to work things will completely fall apart.

I know many people may not view the father as active but believe me I have been carrying things while she is not well, and it’s gradually getting worse.  I’ve begged her to seek more help but I’m pretty sure she paints a more rosy picture hiding the major issues underneath.

anyway I don’t know how much help can be offered or advice - probably just good to vent.

[therising]

Hi RABo

Just want to start by saying congratulations to you both on the arrival of your new family member. While my own babies are now 18 and 20 years old, I can still remember the incredible torment that came with not being able to breast feed both of them. It can mess with a mum something shocking, in so many ways (mentally, physically and even on a soulful level). The inner dialogue can be brutal, stuff like 'What kind of mum are you, not being able to feed your own baby?! You're useless. What good are you? Your breasts can't even do what they were designed to do. Your body's pathetic. You're pathetic' and that's just part of it. Physically, the sleep deprivation that comes with trying to feed your baby and then pumping and pumping to stimulate milk doesn't leave enough time for sleep and energy restoration. The sleep deprivation can reach seriously depressing levels. It messes with your head and messes with you physically, which is why sleep deprivation is used as an actual form of torture in some parts of the world. It's designed to break people.

'Breast is best' is a mantra mums can suffer horribly through. What is best is a mum's mental and physical health and a baby who is getting all the nutrients he/she needs through a good quality formula. I would say to any mum 'Whether it's the formula (chemical composition) within breasts or the formula in a tin, the best formula is the one that works for everyone involved'.

I actually spoke to a young father a couple of weeks ago who mentioned how much his wife had suffered through not being able to breast feed, until he demanded she stop doing what was destroying her. I wanted to hug him while telling him it was my mum who demanded I stop and I was so grateful to her. If a mum has tried her hardest and continuing to try is slowly destroying her, what she needs is what I'd call a 'permission person'. This is someone who gives her permission to stop trying, someone who says something like 'I've never seen anyone put so much time, care, effort and determination into something. You are an incredible person and mum and your efforts reflect this. You're allowed to stop. It's okay'. There can be a little bit of grief following giving up trying to breast feed, a bit of sadness over having lost the opportunity to do what you wanted to do so much but that passes as relief begins to kick in. Sleep is a beautiful thing. Another beautiful thing is when a dad bonds with his baby while bottle feeding, as his partner loves him for the opportunity to gain much needed sleep.

As a gal who's sensitive enough to feel what's depressing at times, I've managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens. I'd have to say trying to breast feed with little to no supply is up there on the list of depressing things. Your partner is blessed to have you in her corner, doing so much as you both suffer through this experience in a number of ways. Researching how women suffer through not being able to breast feed could perhaps give your partner a new perspective, while inspiring a new way forward for the whole family.