Porn addiction and the isolated partner!

[Miss_Anxious]

Hi,

My partner struggles with porn addiction, we have discussed this and it always resurfaces. It's how he deals with stress and 'has nothing to do with me' but I can't help feel it is dividing us. I he asked him to talk to me if he has worries but he never does. I feel as though I'm losing it. Does anyone have any advice?

[MarkJT]

Miss Anxious, well done for coming onto the forums and posting your question. You will find that this place is nothing but supportive and we will help you through this matter as best we can.

Although i have no experience with porn addiction, I am pretty sure it would be like any other addiction. He needs to seek help for it. This is a very real and common enough problem so you are certainly not alone in this.

How open is your boyfriend about his porn viewing? Would he speak to a GP or psych about it?

What kind of stress is he talking about? There are many other ways to dealing with stress. Perhaps he can go for a run or walk with you to replace porn watching as exercise is a great stress reducer. Has he got any hobbies which he can do more of to reduce stress?

Hopefully you will keep posting and give us some more information so we can help guide you through this journey the best we can. Some more information would be really good.

Again, well done for posting. Great to have you with us.

Mark.

[Miss_Anxious]

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your reply. He is a very closed person in general. I have found that whenever I mention this it is quickly turned into a 'you are too' blame deflection. He has admitted that he is embarrassed about it and emphasises it has nothing to do with me but at the end of the day it has a large impact on our relationship. He is very protective of his phone, he takes it into the shower and it is never out of site.

It is work stress and he does exercise or retreats to his xbox. I would love if he talked to someone else about it but I'm not sure how he would go if I suggested this. I feel a bit lost.

Thanks

Carly

[MarkJT]

Carly, when people are addicted to something they do not want to talk about it. Even though he is a closed person you have obviously made some small headway to get him to admit that he is embarrassed by it. What tactics did you use then? Can you do that again and then go on to say that you are there to support him.

You may have to suggest speaking to someone about it and just find out how he reacts to it. He should know but reinforce that you are coming from a very caring place in suggesting it.

Another option is for you to go to the GP and seek some advice. The stigma around it is quite large, just like mental health so a GP might be able to point you in a good direction.

I don't want to patronise you at all so my apologies if you have already done these things.

Mark

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Carly. Unfortunately your partner needs to face the reality that either the porn goes or you do. He has to make that decision before it's too late

[blondguy]

Hi Carly

Mark has really provided great advice above so I wont repeat his counsel.

I really empathize with what you are going through. You are more than correct on this being an addiction.

It is an issue as you mentioned that its the way your partner deals with stress.

I hope you dont mind me quoting a huge 'Red Flag' I read on your first post......

Carly said: " It's how he deals with stress and 'has nothing to do with me' but I can't help feel it is dividing us"

The forums are a Judgement free zone Carly so this is only life experience in my humble opinion....

A relationship/partnership is a two way street...a 50/50 split....I have pushed a girlfriend away with my early stages of stress and I lost her as I pushed her away.

It actually has everything to do with you....

You are a kind hearted and strong person Carly by caring enough to post in the first place and good on you!

Being stressed I hope your partner has a couple of friends....relatives...people...that he can vent to. Even just one person is a bonus to have a vent to. (I have about 3 people)

You should be very proud of the courage you possess to say hello and post to us

There are many kind people that can be here for you Carly, even if you just want to have a chat 🙂

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Touille]

Hi Miss Anxious,

I would like to say I did have a problem with pornography in the past, I felt guilty about it and chatted to a professional and managed to stop viewing pornography. It can be damaging and controlling to the mind.

I completely understand your concerns, my GF encouraged me to seek help and I felt a weight off my shoulders when I finally stopped viewing pornography. It's degrading and in no way did I find that pornography relieved stress.

You need to be firm, my GF refused to see me until I did something about my habit. I now feel so much better and don't have any interest in viewing pornography.

You really need to have a chat with your BF as he must communicate or eventually things won't work out. A relationship must be built on trust, good communication and patience. A person's upbringing can be a big contributor to a person behaviour.

It's good you reached out.

I hope you can sort something out as it's respectful to you for your BF to view pornography.

Touille.

[MarkJT]

Carly, as you can see above, you are certainly not alone as Touille has been there and done that. He has given some really good advice there.

Touille - thank you for posting what you did. Great post.

Mark.

[geoff]

hello Carly, many great replies which I hope will help you in same way.
Any addiction is getting the person to own up that they do have a problem, it's no different to an alcoholic who believes that there is nothing wrong, 'because they are just having a drink', that's how they feel, but unfortunately an addiction could cause a marriage or relationship to come to an end, but they don't see it that way and that's where the problem begins, because they use the excuse 'as it's because of you is why I do it'.
He has to know that any addiction could be because of any stress which is causing him to do this and what it is doing is putting a barrier between the two of you, meaning that you are both getting further away from each other and it is breaking up the relatonship.
Ask him if that's what he wants and if he still wants to be in this r/ship then his addiction needs to be talked through with a counsellor, however this maybe something he could be embarrassed about, but at first all he has to say is that he does have an addiction without explaining what it is until he feels as though he can be open with the counsellor.
If he won't do any of this then he won't change so you have to leave. Geoff.

[Legion]

Dear Carly,

First of all, define "addiction" (frequency, duration, etc)

What may appear to be "addictive" to you, may be within established parameters of "normal" for others.