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Just don't fit in but husband does

Leigh_17
Community Member
My husband is a very sociable person everybody likes him. And now he has made some new friends and the wife is everything I'm not, she's smart, travels a lot for her job, very sociable and funny and nice etc etc, I have heard from my whole family how wonderful she is, and now I have to go and have dinner with them. I know it's not a big deal to most people but I feel like I would rather die then go to dinner, but if I don't go, my husband would resent me he already does and blames me for our lack of social life. It's easier just to die sometimes.
4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Leigh, welcome

I feel very sorry for you which isnt common for me to admit.

Everyone has a right to be themselves within some basic boundaries like not being rude, not being totallt silent or abusive etc.

I think within those boundaries you have every reason to be yourself and that means NOT being like any other person. Your husband needs to accept this. You are not a thing to compete with. You are beautiful as you are! A unique one off indivudual.

People adapt. Extroverted people know if someone is quiet, shy, has limited social abilities. My wife is the same.. but many of my fiends comment "oh, she gorgeous just quiet ...we cant all be loud".

What you can do is try to slowly raise your confidence. Google the following

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: inner peace, the glory if being YOU- beyondblue

Topic: accepting yourself, the frog and the scorpion- beyondblue

Topic: being withdrawn to achieving confidence- beyondblue

Topic: confidence- how do you get it?- beyondblue

Topic: low self esteem- beyondblue

Good luck. Post if you want to.

Tony WK

aegidius
Community Member
Extroverts get to be in all the TV shows, they always get the girl etc. etc. The world belongs to them. Unfortunately that's what our culture is built on, and it's very damaging to non-extro people like me and you. But it's just culture, and you can learn to ignore it. It's not easy if the people around you don't understand and help.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Leigh, no, this is a big deal, many times I have been caught up in exactly the same scenario, however mine was a bit different, but the feeling the same, where a friend of ours always wanted to have my wife to himself and court her, so I never wanted to see him, but as Tony says 'Everyone has a right to be themselves', how true that is, you shouldn't be expected to have dinner with her and her husband, because every moment you are there your tension, anxiety and possibly anger is going to build up where your husband will still be cross with you, so either way it's still going to happen.
Your social life on this occasion isn't warranted, because you don't want to be highlighted as someone who has not achieved all what she has, her circumstances may well be different and she may have had an opportunity which have been handed to you on a plate.
If you go it will be unbearable for you, and what this means is that it's going to take you several days to overcome this, stand your ground and do exactly what you decide to do. Geoff.

aegidius
Community Member
Agree Geoff the prevailing culture is of achievement. Achievement gives you things you can brag about to others (as witness the majority of Facebook posts!) But a saying I've always liked goes "We are human beings, not human doings". You can go against this achievement-culture and build up an inner strength that lets you smile and enjoy others' bragging while remaining true to yourself inwardly. But it's not easy, and sometimes along the way you do have to say No, I'm the best judge of what I can handle or not, and if it doesn't serve me I'm not going. It will depend a lot on how much you think these people respect you - people who just take over the conversation in "it's all about me" fashion are painful, but a little basic respect goes a long way.