Please help - I need advice

[Booklover17]

Hi everyone

So 2 nights ago my husband just told me that I make him feel like he can’t be himself around me because he is scared of my emotional reaction. I should say I do have anxiety so sometimes my reactions can be huge. Anyway, now I feel like a complete psycho and I feel so bad and so upset and hurt. I had no idea he was feeling this way- everyday I have just trying to deal with my own anxiety and make it through the day and now he says (he didn’t use these words) but basically that I am a b****. I don’t know what to do anymore. What can I do?

[quirkywords]

Booklover

I can understand how upset you are feeling about what your husband said.

Do you think maybe he was feeling he was opening up and being honest with you.

I wonder what your husband felt about your reaction to his chat.

I really don't think he was calling you a b****. He may have felt he was just sharing with you.

Would you be able when you feel ok, sit with him and say how you felt about what he said. Maybe enquire what not being himself means. Maybe you can explain you already feel bad and keep trying to get through the day and you never mean to over react. Maybe you could tell him what would help you.

Quirky

[Booklover17]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your reply. Things have just gotten worse. Talking about it has made it worse and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t take it. I feel extreme sadness all the time and I don’t want to go home anymore.

[quirkywords]

Booklover,

Thanks for replying but I am sorry you that things are worse,

How do you feel that talking about it has made things worse. ?

Do you have a counsellor or a friend you can talk to.

Would you consider ringing Beyond Blue Support line, 1300 22 4636

Sometimes talking ton a person who is trained to listen may help.

Do you feel the extreme sadness is because you feel your husband dies not understand you.

What would you like him to do or say to help you?

Look after yourself

Quirky

[Booklover17]

Hi Quirky,

Thank you for your reply. Talking just has this extreme negative vibe and we talk in circles. I have ended up staying with my parents all week because I couldn’t take the negativity anymore. I spoke to the chat line on monday which helped a little.

That’s right. I do not think he understands me or even wants to. He has a bee in his bonnet and that’s all he can see.

[Silcron]

Hi Booklover17,

It is my earnest desire to hopefully see your situation in a new light and not be in any way critical.

How can you not have had any idea he would feel the way he does?

In my 60 years it has been my experience that people can get hurt very easily, very quickly by what may pass to strangers as ineffectual statements not intended to cause harm, but which cause all sorts of hurt to those involved who have the relationship history behind them.

A common saying in relationships is that "we hurt the ones we love". I think that derives from the fact that in a relationship we feel we can let our guard down and say things the way we feel them without any filtering.

That is not so. Whilst it is one of the most difficult things in a marriage to do what is required when communicating with each other is to first listen without prejudice then respond after considered thought. A civil response is always required if you don't want to go down the path of intractable arguments and angst.

Respond as if you would respond to a stranger asking for directions or a nurse seeing to your comfort and pain.

If/when there are times you can't respond civilly due to your anxiety or other state of mind prefix your responses with "Don't take this personally but the way I feel now..."

Good luck in your endeavors.