Overweight boyfriend?

[ssvv24]

My boyfriend has gained 10+kg since being with me. Now his BMI says that he’s overweight and yet he doesn’t do anything to lose it. I feel upset bcos I feel as though he’s become complacent and entitled, that’s why he’s not motivated at all to at least watch what he eats. I rly think he’s let loose and I feel like it’s unfair because I always dress my best and watch what I eat but all he does is wear sweatpants when we’re out, play games and binge eat. He even shrugs off the comments friends make on his appearance due to weight gain. I know I sound shallow but I just wish he’d at least be mindful of how much he’s eating. I’m not sure how I can bring this up anymore. I don’t want to be the nagging gf who says “watch what you eat “and “we should exercise together”.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You are right, he could make an effort to dress better when going away from his home. In that regard you can influence him by suggesting he wears clothes that you think look good on him.

The same applies to eating healthy food. Fo you cook? Why not cook a few times a week some healthy meals?

Encouragement will always be more effective than venting frustration.

However, as I am overweight there is the factor of DNA to take into account. I, along with my family members have always been overweight and for that matter I dont endorse the BMI index at all. If I have always had my BMI index off the scale I'd never get it satisfactory. Eating for me is an anxiety thing, a comfort zone, an addiction.

So our excess weight puts a mask on our personality, people focus on the mask not the person, the kindness, the affection, the bubbliness.

If this concern of yours overtakes your thinking it might be better to move on from the relationship because he will always feel "not good enough".

Love is getting the best out of the person you are with, within their capacity to better themselves....no more.

TonyWK

[Quercus]

Hi SSVV24 and welcome to the forums 😊.

How you're feeling is totally understandable. It feels pretty crap when you make an effort to please your partner (and caring for yourself physically is part of this as I see it) and they don't seem to want to bother for you.

I am in your partner's position and it is never a great feeling when you're nagged about your weight or lack of energy (which I know too well). It is very important to recognise there may be an issue with his physical or mental health that is contributing and this has to be addressed first.

Rather than encouraging diet or exercise just yet, perhaps see if he will talk about how he is managing generally. What has changed in his life since you noticed the changes.

It is good when a loved one speaks openly that they have noticed changes and are worried you're not alright. Sometimes people aren't able to see their own symptoms. It also feels less confronting to be met with concern for you because you're acting differently than to be encouraging to change if you are also perhaps unwell.

There's nothing wrong with telling him a lack of motivation, loss of interest in activities you enjoyed before and neglecting self care can be signs of depression and that you are concerned. You can encourage him to try the K10 checklist (found on the BB website) to get a general idea if this may be part of the problem. But a long appointment with the GP is a good idea too as a physical issue needs to be ruled out.

Another thing to be aware of is that change can't be forced. People have to want to seek help especially if it involves changing your lifestyle.

It is worth thinking about what YOU need too. If long term he is not willing to seek help (or if there is no physical or mental involvement and it turns out he is taking you for granted) it is absolutely ok to want change because your needs aren't being met. It has been helpful for me to know what my husband expects as a minimum. It sounds harsh but I know even when very depressed what basic things to focus on which bother him the most.

Shallow is a word I find confusing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel physical attraction to your boyfriend. That's normal I think. We can't control what is attractive to us. It might even be the weight isn't an issue as much as the lack of motivation and changes in behaviour are. Your feelings are valid and reasonable as I see it.

I hope any of this helps.

Nat

[ssvv24]

Hi Tony, I appreciate your reply 🙂

It’s just frustrating as I’ve tried suggesting clothing he could wear when we’re out but since he’s become overweight, he says he’ll be able to wear these types of outfits when he can fit back into his pants. He’s unwilling to buy new pants so he’s just wearing sweatpants until who knows when he’ll lose the weight...

I cannot cook for him as we don’t live together. He lives with his mum who doesn’t seem to cook often, resulting in him eating unhealthy food from outside. Not to mention he doesn’t like vegetables.

I’m starting to feel like I’m babying him because I’m left worrying about his health and he only eats junk and little to no vegetables. I think I’m not going to win this and I have to just accept he won’t change... 😞

[white knight]

I dont blame you at all. In fact, people lacking motivation commonly show that up in other areas.

I think you might have to review your relationship overall because to have a successful one permanently means not having your partner not listen to your concerns.

If you enjoy a partner that takes pride in himself, someone you like to be with amongst friends dressed nicely, then your issue with him is pretty serious. This is regardless of what he thinks because the cost of a nice pair of trousers should not threaten a relationship. Complacency is a red flag.

Compatibility. It is something that fits in easily with everything you do. Taking your feelings into account as more of a priority than the theory of waiting till he loses weight is seriously lacking.

You might need to think more of your own needs and future.

TonyWK

[Guest5643]

Unless he's abusive to you in anyway then i would be grateful you have someone who loves you. As long as he's clothes are clean and he's clean and not swearing or a drunk ect while out who cares what he wears. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot

[Silcron]

Hi SSVV24,

You say your boyfriend has gained 10+kg since he's been with you but you don't say how long you two have been together.
I suspect your relationship has not been going on for very long (-2 yrs) as you still call yourselves boyfriend/girlfriend.

My view is that in the early days of a relationship all parties put on their best face and go out of their way to appear attractive to the other party.
After 6 months or so the facade slowly starts to lower (as we can't keep up the continual effort to be our best all the time) and the real person is revealed.

I believe we all have a base nature that we eventually always retreat to. I suspect that what you see now is your boyfriends base nature.

Your only question now is, do you love him enough and are you able to accept him for what he is now, knowing he will never change, or do you cut your losses before it's too late and move on.

Trying to change another persons base nature is fraught with angst and rarely successful.