Personal Depression while partner is undiagnosed

[ConfusedFiance]

Hi all,

fisrt time posting and hoping to gain some perspective after all the searching I’ve not found a post, article or advice on my situation.

Ive been on medication for depression and mild anxiety for a few years, I’ve learnt my triggers. I’m open a honest with anyone who has questions and very vocal as I have a fantastic support group.

My long term partner has had signs of severe depression for years and turns to substances to numb/ deal with the issues. I’ve been supportive 110% trying to get him to seek counseling or medical help for years. Things got worse as we finally lived together and through this lost myself and my anxiety worse then I’ve ever experienced. I would be supportive and loving knowing that he wasn’t okay but may have taken on too much?

Only through a massive anxiety attack that sent me back to the doctors to up the dosage on my tablets (spent 3 months of hard work to be stable on a lower dosage) that he went and got help for his addiction and depression.

I’m happy that he has help and is receiving counseling and on medication but disappointed and a bit resentful for me to get so sick for him to change.

I feel out of love and a bit lost to have been taken advantage of. I can’t seem to find the line between him being sick and his underlying personality?

I don’t want him to feel alone in a time of need, but I’m finding it hard to draw a line to do what’s best for me?

Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? How can you be a caretaker but need the support back that is never taken into consideration by your other half?

Just feeling lost.

[geoff]

Hello ConfusedFiance, thanks for being able to post your comment.

When two people love each other and decide to live together, the situation can suddenly change because you're with them 24/7, so it's not easy once he starts using a substance to help him with his depression or perhaps another reason, but as soon as you feel unwell he decides it's time to seek help for himself.

I think it maybe something that shocks him that finally wakes him up and realises that what you have been saying is right, however, what I am worried about is whether he has stopped using the substance.

The concern is whether you have been taken advantage because at the moment you have to look after yourself, because you can't do this while he's still using a substance.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ConfusedFiance,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us.

I'm really glad that you looked around to try and find similar threads - unfortunately it's so hard to find specific ones but I'll definitely keep your post in mind in the future.

I am both a supporter and a supportee so I can understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. To answer your question though, there is no line - or if there is, it's the faintest shade of grey and it changes all the time. What you can put up with on a Monday is going to be different to what you can put up with on a Tuesday. So I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle it. I'm also kind of imagining that the line is changing a little now that he's getting some counselling and on medication - is that right?

I know that depression blurs the personality too - but deep down, that's the same person that you met and feel in love with. Have you talked to him about how you're feeling at all? Communication is so important even when it's hard.

For me personally, I have to take breathers - all the time. What is it I really feel? What is it I really need? If you feel disappointed, let yourself be disappointed. He doesn't have to see that and you don't have to act on it - but acknowledging how you are feeling is important. Likewise, if you're feeling like you're needing time alone or to spend with your support group - find a way to do that. This is self-care. It's important, and incredibly powerful.

Hope this helps,

[ConfusedFiance]

Thanks for the responses guys. I have decided for the foreseeable future we are going our separate ways. He has made a lot of progress but I think this is a journey I can’t be there for everyday, I have been able to heal and get my mind on track, although there are still some hard days.

I just don’t understand how he says he can love me so much but did nothing to change when we were together. It’s an answer he still can’t give me and that is what breaks my heart the most because of treatment he’s received he says I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner.

This may have made no sense but I had to get it out. It’s hard because we can talk so easy and I do love him but I just don’t believe we are meant to be together right now.

Thanks.

[geoff]

Hello ConfusedFinance, thanks for getting back to us and letting us know what you have decided on doing.

I'm pleased he has made a lot of progress.

Please stay in touch with us whenever you want to.

Geoff.