Peaceful parenting - how?

Mum2Boys

How do you parent together with different ideals? My husband is FIFO 2/1. I pretty much have to run the show. I am against smacking and he has followed that. Our boys are 8 & 12. Everyone says they are well behaved and well mannered. Good boys and yes they are. My husband says he gets into trouble when I step in. I do as I believe he is harsh. The kids can’t just be kids. Like yes if they are told to say stop being annoying they should (they eventually do when I tell them). Problem is he doesn’t even let them be kids. All I hear is “I would have had a flogging”. He never seems interested in doing what they want to do like get involved and mess around have fun. This in turn grumps me and of course it shows. I just don’t know how to parent with him for no arguments. I love him but resent him also. If we go out for dinner, if I didn’t start the conversation with the family we would be just sitting there. My boys are my world so I do all the things with them. Be silly, do funny dances, ride rides I don’t want to. Husband just thinks they are bad. We just had a holiday and he said “the boys have tried to ruin every day). This is eating me alive as how have they? What for messing around being boys? Everyone says how well mannered and good they are but he just nit picks on the “I told you to stop”. I really don’t know how to parent on the same page as I see him as a fun sucker. No patience and like the kids have to be perfect. My 8 year old said “Daddy should be swimming with us and bonding” of course hearin my boy say that then makes me resent my husband. I am so lost at the moment. Please help

therising

Hi Mum2Boys

You sound like a brilliant, thoughtful, inspirational and deeply caring mum. Your boys are blessed to have you in their life. While you try and work out how to manage this challenge, I feel for you.

As a mum to a 19yo guy and 22yo gal, there are times where I can't help but wonder about my husband's behaviour and his way of thinking. To be fair, he also wonders about my behaviour and way of thinking when it comes to raising our kids. In some ways we're on the same page in regard to raising our kids. In other ways we're not on the same page or even in the same book😁.

Over the years, I've come to better understand my husband, myself and my kids and the way kids tick in general. Having been led to wonder, research, greater observation and more has helped me make greater sense of the dynamics within our household. I'll share some of the things I've come to observe. I imagine you'll be able to relate to some

Kids and others who love to wonder are naturally wonderful people. My husband can become irritated by a sense of wonder he can't tolerate. He won't wonder about anything that doesn't interest him or anything that leads him to feel uncomfortable
Kids and others who have a brilliant imagination can be incredible seers, in so many inspiring ways. My husband doesn't like to imagine or see much outside the square or be inspired by what's outside the square. If he's pushed to imagine certain things, he'll become irritated by what he feels as uncomfortable
Kids and other who are naturally feeling or sensitive people will feel and sense in a whole variety of different, intense and amazing ways. My husband can become irritated by what he doesn't like to feel or sense, that which leads him to feel uncomfortable
Kids and others who are naturally energetic can produce a lot of energy. My husband can become irritated by how my kids and I vent our energy at times, in ways that can lead him to feel uncomfortable

These are just some of the factors on a list of things my husband can find irritating and uncomfortable. My intention is not to paint him to be a bad guy, it's just to point out what some people can be like. They can be most comfortable inside the square, also known as 'their comfort zone'. They don't like to feel or sense the things that challenge them. I've said to my husband before something along the lines of 'You know if you venture outside your comfort zone, outside the square, there is so much to feel, explore and be amazed by'. He insists he's happy where he is. The question is 'Is everyone else happy based on where he is?'.

Something I discovered, being the primary carer of kids, is how they can help us remember who we are. Re-membering is like putting our self back together, after natural parts of us have been dismembered from who we are. Our kids can lead us to remember how full of wonder we are, how imaginative we can be, how amazed we can be by the simplest things, how energetic/feeling/sensitive we can be, how open minded we can be and on it goes. They raise us through challenging us, through inspiration, through the need to develop and through forcing us outside of our comfort zone etc. While it can important to ground them in constructive ways (bringing them down to earth when need be, in a healthy and productive sense), it's also important to raise our self so as to meet them on their level. They can teach us how to gain natural highs in life and how to see life differently. They are brilliant teachers in so many ways.

Mum2Boys

Thank you for your response.