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Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

Speakforchange
Community Member

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

89 Replies 89

I am so happy that you have put yourself first. That’s so important. Time will tell and you will heal. Some days are harder than others. Something like moving out will affect you for a bit.

Thanks LeeA18 - It was such a hard decision to make and I hope he gets help and it brings us back together but I could not keep doing it to myself, and I know it was not a sign of weakness from me but ultimately a sign of what a strong person I am. I moved out about 3 weeks ago but I got all the furniture and what not... so it would be weird for him to come home with stuff gone and a mattress on the floor... confronting and once again probably making reality hit.... we have not spoken since then a clean cut for a while is best it will be too upsetting to speak.

Clean cut is the best way. You don’t say or do anything you will later think twice about. My ex came and picked up his last things at mine and I went downhill after that. Kind of like it was the last attachment to him.

The last time I saw him, there was a couple of big cuddles and a peck on the lips. Then gone. It’s harder when it ends this way. When we broke up, we slept together. I was ok with that for some reason. Maybe because I knew he was coming back to pick up some things.

continue being strong!! You’ve got this!

Yes, I guess our situations are slightly different...
I really do hope he will turn a corner and he will get out of this shadow and the depths of depression and want to work on it to allow us to get back together, I also realise that might not happen.

So so sad... it is harder when I get home and think about it... keeping busy is the best thing for me to do...

Just try and stay positive. Seems that you are doing that.

Staying busy is key. I am going to draw up a schedule so I am busy at night time.

Hey SpeakforChange and LeeA18

SpeakForchange that’s so great of you to call it. I know that sounds a bit wrong but I think you really have made the right decision for yourself. He made the decision to be alone and now he can work out whether that is really what he needs.

I don’t know if you’re both going through the same thing but I’m struggling a lot at the moment how someone can let someone they love go so quickly. How can someone who tells you that you’re their soul mate leave 2 days later, asking for no contact? It’s a horrible feeling and I feel like my trust has just been destroyed. I don’t understand how he can make that decision as a ‘switch’ of emotions as he described it. I feel like I have just been thrown to the side left to deal with my shattered life and the consequences of a broken relationship (ie. flights booked next month for a holiday that he didn’t think about). I also don’t understand why he needs to be alone to do this? I gave everything into our relationship. I loved him with everything I had, I committed to a life together (I couldn’t imagine a future without him) and I trusted him so deeply. I don’t know how that wasn’t enough for him to at least fight for us.

I am beginning to hate my ex as intense as that sounds. I hate that he has treated me this way, that what I gave him wasn’t enough and that he saw me as dispensable in his path. I hate the way I feel.

I am trying my best to do things for myself. I’ve gone away this weekend with my best friend to a relaxing stay at the beach, I’m trying to exercise daily and slowly starting to focus on things that make sense instead of the stuff I will most likely never understand.

Thank you again for all of your support and I hope you’re treating yourself this weekend too! LeeA18 how is your schedule going? Keeping busy? SpeakForChange I hope your work trip is going ok and everyone is supportive.

LeeA18
Community Member

Lost

I think the emotions you are going through are similar to what I am going through. I go through times where I love him again, then hate him, then confused. I get quite anxious Friday afternoons and throughout the weekend.

I dont understand the switch either. I had just met some of his extended family who live interstate. They were excited about us moving in together. Maybe our ex’s realised that they can’t cope being in a relationship. Cruel to be kind or they were worried that we wouldn’t be there in the end and that they are better off to cut the cord before we do.

If anything, I think that we have proven to ourselves that we love with all our heart and that we can give unconditional love. We deserve that in return.

my schedule hasn’t been going well. I am going to work on it this weekend. Been walking every day, which helps with the anxiety.

I literally feel like I just read my own writing.... this is exactly how I feel. I’m off overseas today for a week for the work trip. I feel exactly the same as you I also feel like some days I’m like did I break up with him too soon I know it’s not over even though I already called it but there was nothing else I could do for him... it’s a truly weird and frustrating time... I also feel increasingly anxious and sick some days but I exercise a lot to manage it. You are both doing so well, keep going and do the best that you can, we all have here to vent to one another and support each other and even though I talk to my other friends it’s really nice to speak to people that are going through the same thing. It will be interesting to see where we all end up with this. Whatever happens though remember is the right thing. Everything happens for a reason.

100% mins was scared that something would go wrong eventually and other past stuff he’s never dealt with... I also agree Friday afternoons and weekends are the worst as it’s when I usually spent most of my time with him.... now weekends I need to find other things to enjoy myself... work has been a savior as keeps my mind offeverything but I literally cry on the way to work in the car and on the way home everyday this week

Crying at random times is normal. I can’t listen to music and watch some tv shows that involves happy couples. I know that sounds silly but I just cry.

I really hope they can sort themselves out. I imagine it’s a long road though.

i always worry that I talk too much about it to friends. And they tell me to move on etc. it’s a bit frustrating so that’s why I like coming on here.