Partner is not showing improvement with treatment

[J-L]

My partner and I have been together a little over 3 years. He has always struggled with his mental health and has been seeing a counsellor since before I met him. My concern is that he seems to be showing no signs of improvement with his anxiety, periods of depression or coping skills. If anything over the last year it's gotten worse, he decided in December to stop taking his antidepressant (which I strongly advised against) and to me, things have gotten worse from there.

I have told him everything he has going on, we can figure out, but that I don't think he can do it un-medicated, or at least not right now. I have suggested seeing a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis and trial some different medications (he has only ever been on one antidepressant, has never used any anti-anxiety medication and has never tried anything else).

I have gone as far as to find psychiatrists in our local area and sent him the info, I have found a good GP close by to get the referral (we currently live in a different state to where his old practice and GP were that set up the MH care plan) but I can't make these appointments for him and every time I try and bring it up, he just tells me he has too much other stuff going on that he has to deal with first. He refuses to make this a priority and I'm afraid that I am beginning to stumble in my ability to handle what is happening, it is now heavily effecting our day to day life and my mental health and ability to be there as a support for him is suffering under the weight of his inaction in this situation. I understand this is all part of his mental health, but, I don't really know what else to do, any advise or guidance would be greatly appreciated! 

[therising]

Hi J-L

Your partner is blessed to have you in his corner, not only supporting him but also encouraging him work with different strategies. I think there's only so much that can be done in the way of trying to coach, guide or encourage people when it comes to them managing their mental health. It's not easy, watching the person you're trying to support take a beating from depression or anxiety. It can become intensely challenging in a lot of ways, as you know. I feel for you so much, through his struggle and yours.

Personally, I've found 2 key ingredients for managing my mental health to involve self understanding and self development. I have to want to better understand myself and my nature (including my positive and negative triggers) and I have to want to develop in some way, otherwise I'm not going to evolve through and beyond what depresses me or causes me extreme stress. There's no simply hoping for the best, that things don't get too bad. The ways in which I come to better understand and develop myself are unique to me and they'll be unique to your partner too. I suppose the question may come down to what works for him.

If what works for him is to come off the meds, he'll need to develop in some way while off them. If what works for him is to not see a psychologist, he'll need to develop in some way without a psychologist in his life. Such things can be done, depending on the circumstances. For some people, they need such things. Some of what works might come down to what's in his nature. Kinda like if it's in his nature to enjoy going to the gym, he might develop ways of 'working out' stress/anxiety at the gym or he might consciously work on developing natural dopamine hits at the gym through a sense of achievement while relying on specific exercise equipment or exercise classes. He might achieve some success with a personal trainer (a coach/guide). If it's in his nature to feel just about everything, from what's depressing through to what's anxiety inducing, he might go down the path of gaining a better sense of exactly what he's feeling/sensing and how he's feeling/sensing it (a form of 'coming to our senses' or 'waking up' to how we feel or are able to feel). For example, who or what's inclined to take him into what feels like a downshift compared to who or what he feels raising him in some way. If it's in his nature to read, a brilliant author in the way of how mind and body closely interact is Joe Dispenza, for example. In my opinion, a great book in the way of managing inner dialogue specifically is 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel' by Jamie Catto.

To do nothing in the way of gaining greater self understanding or to do nothing in the way of achieving a sense of self development can become deeply depressing and anxiety inducing. No difference is something that can be deeply felt in so many ways, mentally, physically and even on a soulful or soul destroying level. What's in his nature may help determine the path he takes and the skills he develops.

[Croix]

Dear J-L~

Welcome here to the Forum, it is a place where I think, if you look around, you will find a fair number of people who have similar problems, and maybe can see how they handled matters.

Trying to live with a partner who has mental health issues can be very hard indeed -exhausting and frustrating. It cam make on angry and question the other person's love. While you want the best for him and can plainly see what needs to be done you are powerless. It simply is a fact that any adult decides for themselves what steps - if any - need to be taken

Stopping medication can be for any one of a number of reasons, not wanting to be reliant on them, or not being able to accept the side effects - perhaps believing (while still under their effect) that they are no longer necessary.

You sound as all this is really getting to you, which is not surprising with someone you love. Unfortunately, despite what they may think, people are not a bottomless well of strenght and support - not even for a loved one.  

May I ask if you have someone to support you? Perhaps a family member or friend who will listen and simply care? Facing all this on your own can be the most difficult way. You are as important as your partner and need to be in a good place, not getting ot the stage where you have nothing left to give.

When I was really ill with depression and other matters my wife had her mum to give her love and support, plus help with family and chores too.

I am not sure what you can do about your partner, his giving up meds may indicate a reluctance to believe things are wrong, or that he needs to do anything. Perhaps if he can be made to see the toll it is having on you have change his mind.

Do you think there is anyone in his life, a parent or family member  or friend who might have a better chance of persuading him than you?

Please feel free to come back here anytime, it is a most difficult situation

Croix