Partner cheated now she in our lives.

[Guest]

1. Married 25 years, Before we where married he cheated.
2. I forgived him and love him with all my heart and we move on.
3. We moved in together, had three kids and been now Married 25 years.
4. Married life has had many ups and downs, but we always work things out.
5. Is it unreasonable to ask him to stay away from and to stop communication with this women he had affair with?
6. He seem to respect this boundaries.
7. Problem with this is she is now with his and in our lives every day.
8. I try to play happy family with her but get very annoyed, almost angry when I find out that he has been going over to her house for Dinner, Lunch Coffees when Im not around and his brother is not home, He text's her, call's her and she comes over to our place often when I'm away.
9. I've asked for boundaries regarding this, but he seems to not care about my feelings regarding this matter and says it's a non issue.
10. Am I in the wrong?

[tranzcrybe]

The question would probably centre on whether husband's 'former affair', prior to your marriage and after 25 years, is purely platonic or sexual. It is possible to continue strong friendships provided loyalties are maintained, but this would still be difficult for you to deal with on a daily basis.

The fact that it is all 'common knowledge' to you suggests no furtive behaviour to raise suspicions; but equally, in not showing regard for your own feelings about the woman (if only a clash of personalities, understandably) is a personal affront to your rights to have your misgivings acknowledged and respected.

Whether female or male friends, too much time spent with them is inconsiderate if the partner feels secondary or disregarded.

[therising]

Hi Guest

I think a fair question to throw your husband's way would be 'How do you expect me to manage knowing that you had a deep and intense attraction toward this woman you're spending time with, this woman who you once risked our entire relationship for?'. Another fair question might be 'How could you possibly believe I have no problem with you spending so much alone time with her?'. I think the biggest of all would be 'Why can you not feel how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling?'. In other words, 'How could you be so emotionally detached under the circumstances?'.

Some quests (with all their questions) can't be managed or traveled alone. I think if your husband wants you to be okay with this, he needs to be willing to face your questions with you, travel with you regarding this challenge. It's a massive challenge, in my opinion. Dismissing reasonable questions doesn't help provide you with the answers you need. Dismissiveness can sound like 'Look, I don't want to talk about it' or 'You're being dramatic' or 'You've got nothing to worry about' or 'You need to stop going on about this' etc etc. With them recently spending so much time together, what you could suggest is 'Dude, this is a whole new set of triggers in regard to an old situation. Ignoring them or dismissing them is not going to make them go away'. If it was my husband, it would definitely feel triggering. I think I'd be saying to him 'If you want your cake and eat it too (if you want our marriage and be able to innocently connect with a woman you once had an affair with), I think we'd best work with someone who can offer us a recipe for success, a marriage counselor who can counsel us through this challenge'. 

If she's your brother-in-law's partner, would be interesting to hear how he feels about them spending alone time together, while knowing of their initial attraction toward each other. 

[Guest]

It is strange to me, But they all seem fine with it.

They had an affair years ago. Before we married before we had Kids I get that.

Then years later She back in our lives due to forming a relationship with his kin. (Also note that they have a child together now and this situation is never going to go away) we have to deal with it and it's in my face every day.

I get the suggestion of triggering the feelings of betrayal, hurt. I feel this way every time I find out that they have visited one another when I'm not around.

He keeps telling me I should "get over it, it was so long ago", that He "I'm not sexually attracted to her any more" "I consider her as my sister". "My Mother was there too"  "the kids where there" "she was only here for five minutes" "you got nothing to worry about"

I don't think any of them have a care at all regards my feelings about the situation and I'm just screaming inside especially when she comes over borrowings my things with our my knowledge and I find out after the fact.

On top of this I think other red flags I have noted is our sex life is diminishing, He very rearly wants to and never wants to go our of his way to sexually please me anymore which we did everything/ anything for many years.

I feel like our marriage is dying due to diminishing respect, and empathy for my feelings and how this situation make me feel, diminishing emotional connection, and diminishing affection and physical connection. 

I'm really struggling with this emotionally. I get told to get over it everytime I ask for boundaries or everytime I raise concerns about any of these subjects. often told That I'm just looking for issues that are not there.

Dismissal of my feelings, Dismissal of the problems.

He never says He loves me or miss's me unless I say it first. It feels like he has completely disconnect from me emotionally and is doing what ever he wants regardless of what, when, how or who. I'm think our marriage is very close to ending.

Is it wrong for me to ask for boundaries? Is this a reason he is pushing me away? because he would rather his brother and Ex over our marriage, Kids life together?

[Guest]

He has had platonic affairs also but the sexual one's was 25 & 20 years ago when we where just staring out and young. It is the sexual one's that hurts the most.

I guess they all hurt. But sexual affairs twice. I don't think I could handle another. I feel like Im so easily disregarded, Im worthless, and so easy to throw away. Because it keeps happening. Regardless of the sexual affairs happen before we where married, I still feel hurt when he don't respect the boundaries with these women.

And I feel like he don't respect me or our lives, marriage or kids because of his actions.

Their was platonic affairs also during our marriage. I have to trust that this was the case, he tells me nothing happened and that he never would because we are married. But they where talking every day visiting one another every day crying on each other's shoulder about their problems in their lives. And She started to send messages like missing you and such to his phone. I talked to her and told her to back off and that she was stepping over the line. Again I was told she is just a friend, nothing ever happened.

I found it very frustrating seeing her sitting at my dining table when I got home from work having coffee with my husband, finding out that she had been there for hours. 

[tranzcrybe]

Thank you for elaborating.
Quite a complex arrangement requiring much consideration...

Brother and his partner/'the ex' (with child) sort of makes this a 'family' thing; and some families are closer than others as far as 'what's mine is yours' and vice versa.

I'd be guessing what troubles you may also apply to brother as he faces a similar predicament in his partner 'sharing time' with your husband, but as you say they appear to be fine with that.

So all of this surrounding your feelings of loss (the hierarchy of your husband's attention) could be out of proportion because of marriage insecurity - possibly the culmination of 25 years of forgiving and tolerating indiscretions and the reopening of old wounds. Anything that draws husband away is contributing to fears of declining intimacy which may or may not be related to his ex but naturally leads to this conclusion.

Consider for a moment: if the ex was nowhere in the picture, would husband necessarily improve your relationship?

Would he:-

• be more affectionate,
• confide in you for support, or
• recognise the significance you play in his life?

Or would his attitude/behaviour toward you remain the same; the only difference being your peace of mind that nothing is on the radar?

Removing your 'one problem' may not resolve the broader issues:

1. Where do you want to be in this relationship (which includes accepting brother's partner as family)?
2. How devoted is your husband to providing the love and respect you deserve to assure your place by his side as an equal?
3. If nothing changes, what arrangements will you have in place to ensure your well-being and future happiness?

[therising]

Hi Guest

Tranzcrybe poses a lot of great and interesting questions. Definitely all food for thought.

Another thing to consider too is that the other people in the scenario can't feel how this impacted and still impacts you. There are a collection of very different emotional perspectives. What happened long ago a)didn't involve your brother-in-law at the time, b)I imagine your husband enjoyed himself before things ended and c)so did this particular woman. The only person in the scenario who really suffered deeply was you. On reflection, there was indifference, joy (with perhaps some regret) and deep pain. Three or four extremely different emotions. Your husband will never feel the pain you felt and still feel. While he may always feel deep regret perhaps, he will never feel the pain. To feel another's pain is what generates empathy and compassion. If you'd caused pain for your husband 25 years ago, over something completely different, would your thoughts be 'I would do anything for you to never feel that kind of pain again'? Are you expecting from your husband the same level of consideration and empathy you would show him? For example, if you had a serious gambling addiction 25 years ago that led him to great stress and pain (an addiction you no longer had), would you be saying 'I'm just going off to play on the slot machines by myself', while knowing of his fears still all these years later or would you play them only under the conditions that led him to feel some sense of ease? A strange comparison but simply one that sprung to mind.