Parenting marriage.......

[velvetfaerie]

Hi guys,

Long story but will keep it short. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He lives with the ex still. Still married, no relationship, not separated, together under the same roof financially and for the kids. He is FIFO, 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. He pays for the mortgage and the bills. She works fulltime.

I accepted this as i was told the relationship was amicable. Sure doesn't seem that way now.

Every time we make plans she undermines them. When he comes home from up north she tells him her social plans and that's it. If he and I have plans that clash we cancel.....every time. He never stands up to her because he is "scared of her".

He says he loves me and wants a future with me but I am constantly feeling unimportant. I am feisty, he is my polar oposite. In my humbel opinion i think he has depression.

I know the kids are priority and I have never disputed that. But where will I fit in? Am i a mistress? I have asked him these things up front and he denies and makes promises he never keeps. Small ones. The big ones - things are a bit early for those.

Any help is appreciated. Ask any questions as well.

Velv.

XX

[Croix]

Dear Velvetfaerie~

I'm sure there are an awful lot of people in the exact same situation. I don't envy you in the slightest. True, it does depend on what you want out of life - do you want to be second fiddle to a person that breaks promises and is too weak to support you against what he alleges to be his ex-wife?

She obviously feels she needs to thwart his and your plans - why?

From what you say you are a convenience, to a person who does not really have your welfare at heart. You have no security and no comeback.

Words are cheap to utter. Promises broken are worse than silence, they are a corrosive to the trust and security that should be expected from any worthwhile relationship.

I think that the fact that you are posting here indicates you really know all this already - and are hoping against hope that someone can pull a rabbit out of a hat and everything will be ok.

How could it be? Even if by some miracle he moved and lived with you full-time, how could you trust him? Would you make up a social calendar to keep him away from his next GF?

Please regard yourself as a worthy person who is entitled to a proper loving relationship

Croix

[velvetfaerie]

Fabulous reply and thank you for your time in doing so.

He wanted to talk to me tonight about this stuff. I said no. Maybe tomorrow. I need time to think and I am sick to death of the one doing the jumping and trying to make it work. It takes TWO!

Velv.

x

[Croix]

Dear Velv~

I'm afraid I forgot to mention the following (brain gets tired at times). This may not apply to everyone - I don't have enough experience to judge, though I suspect it does.

It's the fact that sex binds. What I mean is that if you have a sexual relationship with someone it can make you have feelings about that person that are not warranted - the closeness intimacy and pleasure is a potent mix.

I hope this makes sense.

I wish you well

Croix

[velvetfaerie]

My brain does the muddle too it's ok 🙂

And yes true re sex.

Thank you so much.

Velv

[Kazzl]

Excellent words from Croix, so I'll just add this:

You are worth more than this Chae and you deserve better. First best. Not second.

Big hug to you hun

Kaz

xx

[velvetfaerie]

Thank you lovely people

Xx

[geoff]

hello Velv, this is not a situation you would ever have wanted to be in, a r/ship where the guy goes back to his ex, and probably has promised you everything none of which have come true.
Whether or not he has depression may not be the issue here so much, although it certainly isn't going to help, but if this is so then it is probable that his ex may have caused it, however that could be something he does want to admit to, because it would be more logical to move away from her and then go and live with you.
The only link holding him could be the kids and doesn't want to upset them by leaving, but it would be no different than being away for 2 weeks where he doesn't have any contact unless it's by skype, email or telephone.
What I can see is that somehow she knows what your plans are, and then deliberately change their plans, so keep any plans just between him and yourself.
Can I ask how old his children are. Geoff.

[velvetfaerie]

Hey Geoff.

The kids are 14 and 9.

The ex, her 20 year old from another father and the 14 year old all don't like my bf and treat him like dirt. He's a very placid person and tolerates it.

There has been talk of him moving in with me. It's convenient for his dad duties (8 min drive away) etc but he just seems to think we will work without him showing me he wants to keep me.

[geoff]

hi Velv, I think he's too scared to make any commitments now or in the future, so it's going to be a battle fighting for him to be with you, but he will never make up his mind, agreeing with his ex to keep the peace and then agreeing with you trying only to appease you.
He maybe someone to love but he's a very confused person, and even if he does decide to live with you then he will feel guilty, so the r/ship is going to be very difficult to maintain.
I'm so sorry but I don't believe this situation will ever make you happy, simply because he is indecisive, so he promises to anyone he is with.
That's something I suppose you never wanted to hear, but I believe you will be hurt much more in the future. Geoff.