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Confusing contact with ex after one month NC?

rachelg12
Community Member
Hi all, im sure some of you saw my last post but basically its been about one month since my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We are both 21 and he felt that I was holding him back in life. I think he wanted to experience what it was like to be single and be able to sleep with other people - something he craves but never seems to want it for very long before he comes crawling back to me because he realizes it isn't that good (he has left about four time for about two weeks then come back). He feels like he is too young to be in such a serious relationship. In saying that, we love each other a lot, and I know there are things that would need to be worked on for us to be a good couple, such as me being too dependent on him, and him having more freedom in the relationship.

So I have had no contact at all for four weeks, until last night I caved and called him. He answered and I said I was just seeing how he was going and was thinking about him. He was quite cold at first, and we had small talk, then he started to say how much he missed me sexually and how turned on her was getting just talking to me. I tried to change the subject but thats all he could think about, he wanted me to come over, and he also wanted to come over to my place. I said I cared about him too much to have a one night thing with him and that I couldnt give him what he wanted. He then started asking me whether I had slept with anyone else since we had broken up, and if I had he wanted to hear about it because it turned him on. I dont understand why that wouldnt make him upset or jealous or angry to think about? Once I was firm about my answer, he started to be a bit rude to me and said that he was talking to other girls. We got off the phone and he texted me saying it was best I didnt call him again because it messed with his head. He then deleted me off all social media.

I am really confused and I don't understand what's going on or where his head is at. I really miss him and I will keep giving him as much space as he needs because I know it would be toxic for us to patch things up right now, but I dont know where to go from here. Any help or advice would be appreciated
2 Replies 2

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Rachel,

I apologise if I come off as rude or blunt in this reply, but I read your previous thread before and I think you need to hear some of the advice again. Perhaps more firmly.

He is using you.

There are no two ways about it. There is not a "maybe he's upset and so excusable to make me feel like a sexual object". He is, flat out, treating you like a sex toy. You are not a human being in his eyes.

But he's wrong. You absolutely are a worthy human being and so much more worthy of love which he is not giving you now. Perhaps he once did, but somehow I am not so sure about that. It's not important anyhow. What is important is that you are not being given any respect whatsoever - that is super clear from how you described the phone call.

From memory, someone asked why you kept focussing on his feelings and his needs. I am asking the same. You know what his needs are already. He made it clear: he wants you to chase him, talk to him, turn him on. If it were me, I'd tell him there are people who do that professionally and to piss off.

It is hard to be in love with someone who doesn't treat us well. But the advice is really the same as before: don't follow him.

He's deleted you - let it be. He probably expects you to chase him - don't.

Give yourself space and spend some time with friends. However the relationship was before, it is not that anymore. You need time to grieve and find some acceptance that you need to move on.

I'm sorry to hear how things turned out. You deserve much better than that.

James

Apollo_Black
Community Member
Hi there. I think he was pretty clear with what he wanted. He wants a no strings attached scenario. You want a commited relationship and he can't provide that. As hard as it might be you need to think about deleting him from your phone and spending time on looking after yourself. You seem to be holding on to an ideal situation with him in the future - probably normal but realistically unlikely. I'm sorry I can't give you much more - it just takes time to heal from the pain of it all. Unfortunately contacting him just makes it worse.