Paranoid Sister

[Speckles]

I have 2 older sisters, they are 31, 29 and I am 26 years old. My eldest sister and I get along great, however our middle sister suffers from paranoia and tends to fight with us a lot.

Most interactions with her result in her getting upset and irrational towards us. Although we try to treat her just like anyone else, she still feels like we isolate her. Most recently, a big fight occurred as she never responded to an invitation I sent out 6 months ago to to join us out at a ticketed event. She didn't understand that the tickets had to be purchased ASAP as they would sell out, and then on the night of the event, she became irrational and accused us of bullying her and excluding her. I tried to explain that I had to buy the tickets at release as they would sell out, and that she had a chance to confirm but never did. I even showed her proof of the message I had sent her which she had acknowledged 6 months ago.

I can admit that our relationship is worn thin. When she used to live back at home with me, I constantly was made to feel guilt about her life and lack of friends. She was always at home and it did make me feel uncomfortable as she used to be violent towards me. Fortunately she isn't a violent person anymore, however on countless occasions when we are out as a family at functions, she tends to always get upset and make a scene. She does drink alcohol and there was an incident where she tried to run in front of cars driving on our street, and I had to intervene. After that incident, I have put it in the past and have tried to move on with my own life. She apologised for that and I forgave her, but I asked her to promise not to act like that again.

In our most recent fight (about the tickets above), she kept saying that we "bullied" her (I have never said anything ill about her- to her or behind her back) - she labelled me a bully because I didn't follow up if she is coming to an event, even though she is invited everywhere. She has lied about horrible things (her lies lost credibility when her story kept changing) to make us feel bad and try to make us feel sorry for her. I don't want to label her as selfish, but in these situations and arguments, it always revolves around what the world can do for her.

I'm here today writing this because I am over being made to feel bad for her. She always gets upset at me for living my life without her. I know she is family but her behaviour is overwhelming and takes its toll on the rest of us.

[quirkywords]

Speckles,

Welcome to the forum, I am so sorry it has taken so l g for you to get a reply. This sometimes happens but your post I’d valued by us.

Id hope you may be reading this.

I can see ho upsetting your sister behaviour must be to you. whatever you do she te Drs to see herself as hardly done by her sisters.

She makes you feel sorry for her and being the kind sister you are, you feel bad.

I am wondering if your parents are around and how she relates to them.

If your sister is still drinking to self medicate this may effect her relationship with her sister and maybe her lack of friends.

You and your other sister need to look after yourselves and set boundaries for your middle sisters behaviour.

Thanks again for sharing your story. If you feel like It would be helpful wto continue this conversation.

Quirky

[Croix]

Dear Speckles

I too regret it has taken forever to have your post unanswered, now you have two at once -not you, not your post, just a system that sometimes realy lets us down.

I did take a minute to read about your partner and his suspicious nature. I hope you did mange to get him to counseling and things are now better. I quite agree, your past life has made you the person you are, the one that loves him, and it is sad he has little trust. My partner had a life before marrying me, that's all fine, I think she is pretty well perfect (after 20+ years together yet:) and her past made her the person I love.

I did think severing contact from old acquaintances would have been a bad move all round. not only do you not need that sort of control, but in the long run he might well find other thngs equally unjustified to be suspicious about.

With your middle sister, expressing disappointment and feeling bad about not confirming is one thing, blaming other is something else. By the sound of it an entrenched habit, along with the drink. Nobody needs to put up wiht someone who is violent or always blames others. It gets to be a habit, Her for doing it, and you for putting up with it, it does neither of you any good.

I guess while total isolation may not be what you would like a set of pretty ridged boundaries appears in order. For instance as soon as your sister behaves unacceptably simply say you will not be treated that way and walk away. Don't justify or argue, just move away.

Not easy to do to start with, and no doubt she will try to follow you, however at least you have your elder sister as an ally.

Failing that perhaps she needs to see a doctor, explain her violent moods and alcohol use and see what happens. It may well be she has a condition that needs attention.

By now I guess the episode of the tickets is over, do you think boundaries are possible?

Croix