Overbearing Child

[DG80]

My partner and I have been together 5 years.

On all accounts, we are a perfect match, very much in love, same interests, the same sense of humour and love each other's company.

We both have one child from previous relationships, 10 and 8. For the past two years we have all been living together, and although we knew combining families can be difficult, it feels like we’ve overcome most hurdles and do feel like a family unit.

Her son though, 10, is still very attached to his mother. 

It has been difficult to develop a relationship with him, after two years of living together he still cannot initiate a conversation with me. 

I’m the type of person kids and animals usually flock to, all the other children I know, my son, his friends, and nephews all gravitate towards me, and I’ve never had difficulty conversing with any of them. 

He is attached to his mother all day and all night, apart from school hours.

From early morning he is demanding her cuddles, if she gets too close to me he will run over and jump on top of her, if she puts an arm around me, he will physically pull it back over him, if she walks away from him to see me he will follow and sometimes gets angry at her for leaving his side. 

He demands to sit next to her everywhere we go, he keeps one arm on her while we eat, and he demands that she sleep in the same room as him and go to bed at the same time, which she does every night. 

When my partner says no to him, he will go into a tantrum that will last hours on end, screaming crying, and sometimes becoming physical until she backs down. If my partner were to say no to sleeping in his room, you can be assured there would be screaming, shouting and kicking on doors until she gives in or the sun comes up.

The only time we get to share any intimate moment without him present or on top of her is one night a week when he stays with his father. 

I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship.

I’ve tried to be supportive and open towards him, attended all of his soccer games, and tried to initiate conversations, but he will usually completely ignore me unless my partner tells him to respond.

At the end of the week, my partner is usually gloomy, says she feels lonely and asks me why I’m the one being aloof.

I’ve tried talking to her about this, but she is dismissive and defensive, I think she has an idea this is an issue, but certainly not to the extent it is harming our relationship.

I’m not too sure what to do, is the issue with me,  her, her son or our relationship?

[One_More_Day]

Hi DG80,

It sounds like a lot of anxiety. Children experience divorce of their parents very deeply and it is difficult for them to adjust to big changes. Then with a new person on top of that, it's a lot especially if the child has not fully adjusted/adpated to his mun and dad no longer being together. 

Also, her son will instinctively be very protective of his mum and may take on the "father figures". So you are both a threat and competition a ten year old has to manage on top of his own feelings of loss and grief. Not an easy time for any of you but manageable with the right guidance.

The mum needs to set some boundaries while reassuring her son. It will take time but the sooner it starts the sooner harmony can be restored.

What you have on your side is a child who has school and sport and friends(?) - a life he can engage with meaninfully. Maybe speak with his teachers and see if there's any issues at school that may be contributing to his attachment issues. 

It takes a community to raise a child and if there are opporutunites within it for him to develop his independence and give him a sense of self-worth outside of his family, this may shift his focus toward being  more independent. He may feel more secure when he takes charge of his own world a bit more, especially if he gets positive outcomes.

In the meantime, keep the love flowing and see this as a real opportunity for growth. We are only ever presented with the challenges we have the capacity to resolve. It's the solving that enriches us. 

Other ways to dilute the situation may be to included extended family a bit more; get babysitters and have date nights/weekends; when he starts "behaving", ignore it, don't enable it. Show him you are there for the long haul and he will not have to endure another destabalising break up. He's probably feeling incredibly insecure. Perhaps even a family camping trip - fresh air, lots of space and nature can be a game changer. Perhaps get him involved in a scout group or other extra-curicular activity where he forms friendships of his own. Also, do you have other interests that can support you? Excercise, hobbies, clubs? 

Each day brings you closer to good outcomes with every gentle, kind moment. Be yourself. Show the harmony of a genuine, loving relationship. Remember, you are the adult. The child needs assurance, honesty, guidance, support, boundaries and routine.

You've got your work cut out for you. You are blessed with a challenge that once resolved, leaves you with a solid family unit.

Not easy. Be brave. Deep breaths. Good luck! Let us know how you get on.

OMD.

[therising]

Hi DG80

To say this is a tough challenge for you would be an understatement. It sounds so incredibly frustrating and upsetting for all concerned. Sounds like his mum is his 'security blanket' in a way. I imagine this was especially the case if she helped him through the stress of separation from his dad, leading him to feel more secure during the break up. Would be interesting to get a psychologist's take on his behaviour, whether it's a security issue, an issue based on fear or attention or whether they find he ticks boxes for something like ADHD or high functioning autism.

Coming from a purely natural perspective, I've found highly sensitive kids are a whole different kettle of fish compared to less sensitive kids. As a mum to a 21yo daughter and 18yo son, both my kids are sensitive (to what they feel) yet you couldn't find 2 people more different in some ways. For example, while my daughter can feel a triggering person when she senses one, she typically won't tolerate them. She's a tell it how it is sort of person. My son, on the other hand, will feel or sense the triggering nature of a person, emotionally detach and analyse what he's feeling while also occasionally analysing that person's nature in order to gain greater insight. One of the things I've often encouraged my kids to do is 'Get a better sense of what it is they're feeling'. Bit strange but it's like getting a sensitive person to become more sensitive but in strategic ways. Should add, I've also encouraged them to develop a sense of the need to emotionally detach at times. There are some people's whose nature we just don't want or need to be feeling. Sounds like your partner's son is possibly the most sensitive kid you've ever met but he's never learned how to manage what or how he's feeling situations, people, certain challenges etc.

Not sure if it would make a difference but what comes to mind is 'Treat his mother as his security blanket'. Kind of like if you imagine yourself as a little kid with an actual security blanket, how would it feel if you'd always had it for yourself and then someone came along and 'stole' it from you on occasion? Would you feel ripped off, panicky/stressed/insecure, fearful, incredibly angry, threatened, confused in some way etc etc? A lot of mixed emotions there. What do you feel could be the best way of someone weaning you off your security blanket? Could they offer you more exciting things to focus on, as a distraction (they may have to be super exciting as opposed to mildly or basically exciting)? Could they help you find something else that gives you a similar sense of peace? Maybe they could celebrate you not relying on it on occasion, leading you to feel proud of yourself for being more independent. Perhaps it could also involve developing set times without it, to gradually get used to. Not sure. Just a few ideas. The thing is too, all these strategies become skills: The skill of finding alternative forms of security, the skill of becoming more independent and less reliant on one thing or person, the skill of developing an open mind to possibilities and the list goes on. They're life skills most of us use, sometimes without realising. Could be a matter of giving your partner's son the best of both worlds, some quality time and a sense of security and love with his mum, while also leading him to gradually develop certain skills over time that he can feel proud of. I know, easier said than done. Maybe something else worth wondering about could involve whether there's an elevated level of insecurity in other areas of his life, such as whether he's being bullied at school for example, something that would lead a child to be more heavily reliant on the person who offers them a greater sense of security. A sensitive kid and bullies, like moths to a flame. Something my son faced for a number of tormenting years at school. Perhaps your partner could consider having a word with the school, in order for them to become more observant while offering some helpful feedback.