Out of the blue

[Guest_4482]

My husband and I just had a massive argument. It caught me by surprise as I thought we were rock solid. The crux of the argument was he feels like he can't make me happy. I'm always angry and sad and he says he must be the cause of my misery because he doesn't make me happy? I actually adore him. He's so unique and special and I'm so grateful for him. I tell him this. A lot. I'm not a material person, this is my second marriage and what matters most to me is love not money or possessions. He says I'm always stressed and miserable so I must think he is the cause. I don't think that. I've told him that. We both lead very busy lives and live modestly. I'm just tired, stressed about life and exhausted. He's always been the one thing I was sure of. Now I'm wondering if he doesn't want to be with me. Earlier in the argument he basically said sell the house and was ready to leave. By the end of the conversation he said he loved me. We have been together 10 years, 3 children. I'm hurt by some words he used. I felt he really meant them then backpedalled. I know I can be miserable and grouchy. I own that. This argument has really hurtful though. He has a lot going on with his family, and his job. Which would have amped his emotions but he said basically he wanted to end it all , us and his life because I make him miserable. I actually thought I was a supportive and caring wife. I genuinely didn't see this coming. I don't know what to do. I love this man. I appreciate him and I see his trauma and current issues out of his control. I want to be there for him. Why does he feel like I don't just because I'm struggling with my own issues day to day? Unrelated to him- which I've communicated to him. Help- any advice. I welcome all ideas and constructive criticism. Thankyou 

[therising]

Hi Guest_4482

I feel for you both so much, given the intense challenges you face individually and together. Can be so hard to raise each other in a relationship when both people are feeling down and/or challenged in a number of ways. When one has the energy and mindset needed to raise the other it can be so much easier.

From my own experience, I look at marriage as being somewhat of a see-saw at times. While my husband can raise me in some ways, the added weight he can take on in order to do that is something he can feel. For example, in order for me to take a year off work (for a number of reasons) he's needed to manage generating a single income for the family, which comes with some challenges for him such as the weight of responsibility being one. In order for me to raise him in a number of ways in the past, I've had to develop myself in some ways that have also come with the weight of responsibility and sacrifice. While a perfect balance or even keel, in responsibility and sacrifice, can be ideal so that no one is suffering or down for too long, there can still be a problem with this. The problem is neither person is experiencing the kind of high they need to feel on occasion. No one is feeling the kind of high that offers them complete relief or pure joy (liberating feelings). It can get to the point where both parties are trying to maintain 'not being completely down'. It can be a matter of time before one or both in the relationship want to get off the see-saw because of what it doesn't offer them (that high, relief or sense of liberation). 

With a see-saw technically being like a giant set of scales, sometimes it doesn't take much to tip the balance. For your husband, it sounds like an added weight here (maybe financial), an added weight there (maybe work related), one more here (maybe relationship related in the way of marriage and family) and another there (perhaps trying to work through fatigue/exhaustion). He can feel himself sinking down and down and down and just can't take it anymore. Do you think that could be the case?

With his backpedaling in self expression, do you think it could be a matter of 'That's not really what I think but that's just how it feels at times, like I can't take it anymore (this marriage, this life, these responsibilities etc)'. Could the argument have been a bit of a 'straw that broke the camels back' kind of occasion? I know I've felt myself break a little when my husband has said to me something along the lines of 'I need a new part for my car'. It's not the new part that's the problem or him mentioning it. Under the weight of trying to manage outgoing expenses that equate to being greater than income (I've always been the financial manager in the relationship), I feel his words as an added weight and I feel my original words to him when he said he wanted the car in the first place. Those words were 'This is the first time in a couple of decades that we finally have the freedom to save. I don't want to go into debt again while facing the added expenses of a 2nd car, especially when you have the benefit of driving company cars that cost nothing to run'. Little straws can create big arguments.

[randomxx]

But op in the ways your describing how you've been yourself, how is it a surprise ?

To me it sounds like although on one hand yeah your supportive and things and feel the right things, on the other you could well also be being a total pain to be around yourself and not actually seeming to feel those things about him and your too.

Maybe that's all just gotten too much for him , and we do start to think it must be us to when our partner is consistently like that and miserable.

Sorry if that's all a bit blunt but have my own stuff right now just came across your post though and those were things jumping out at me reading it.

rx