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Oh, what a tangled web I wove: lost my best friend (happens to be a woman) to my hiding my love.

Community Member

(I’m new to this site, first post and have read comparable circumstances.  No idea where this might lead. Thanks)

Now found out for my hiding love for her from her, not just once but several times, to the point of (understandably) she sees me as having been a stalker.  And that was awful for her; to have me, her best friend (yes, she declared that often to others) behave as I did.

To be clear she set boundaries.  Re-stated time and again that she was not interested in me as a partner, nor any partner for that matter.  We’ve known each other for 35 years, she first getting to know the mother of my two sons.  The old story parents with young kids get together.

We’ve lived (in separate houses) in a housing co-op for many of those years; doing stuff together as we worked well together.  We are both community activists and achieved a lot and met new friends; friends to us both.  We went on holidays together. 

She again called out my deception a few months ago and things went down from there.  Co-incidentally a mutual male friend (of 35 years too) returned to where we live and started catching up with her and having a nice time.  My jealousy erupted; not explosively but destructively.  Now from having declared she was not interested in any partner is now declaring him to be her partner.

All this challenges my self-worth, and how to relate to our mutual friends.  Although I’m doing my best to give space to her, easier now I’ve my own home away from the co-op, but we still have need to communicate. on some activities. 

Not with standing her lack of interest in me as a possible partner, she’s declared my deception and untruthfulness as the last straw.  But I know her well enough and if I was in need, she would be the best friend she could be.

Yes, I need help and I’ve been enquiring about local councillors.  Trouble is I do not know what I want help with.  I can not ever see me stopping loving her; she has been such a help in my life.  I could focus on addressing my integrity, in being truthful and being willing to accept the consequences.  Now 70 and retired puts me in an interesting situation.  I’ve much scientific writing that I want to complete; so at least I have satisfying things I can do.  I go to several choirs a week; been doing so for 15 years.  A good outlet, but not a strategy to meet a possible partner.  Anyway I have shattered self-confidence.

And I drink too much and take meds for anxiety.

1 Reply 1

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Ted,

Feeling love for someone doesn't make you a stalker. You have a long history with each other and have become close friends and associates where there will be some correlation to an emotional connection.

Expressing how you feel is also not a crime (yet!) if addressed in a respectful manner.
But since your confessions have been unreciprocated (and a bit harshly trodden down), the limit has been reached and you can now put that off the table for the sake of the friendship you share.

As to what people 'will never do', human nature usually governs that independently of our intentions; so this challenges how much of a friend you can be in supporting her wholeheartedly.

The status and trust of a 'best friend' is quite a privileged position, but holding a flame for them could be preventing you from finding the love you seek (and will find) elsewhere.