Not sure what is going on with me.

[Kayaking]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and I just have no sexual desire towards him. I feel like I've lost interest because of his family and his friend. I've tried to talk to him about how he never sticks up for me in situations, regardless of being my fault or not, and he just disregards everything and says that it's all made up. I don't feel like I get the emotional support I need from him. Through all of this, I just see his flaws and him being overweight, his lack of pulling his weight around the house, even though he works from home. Whenever he tries to touch me, I really don't like it and move away. He's a nice person and doesn't do anything intentional to hurt me. I'm not sure if this is normal and it will pass or if I'm depressed or something.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Kayaking,

Thanks for your post.

Intimacy and desire can always be a tricky one in relationships; sometimes his desire may be higher, sometimes yours. There's no real 'normal' when it comes to desire.

It sounds like he's not offering the emotional support that you need from him right now; and that in itself could completely explain why you're not physically interested. There are so many things that can impact desire and stress is a massive factor. You are certainly not the only one.

If you were depressed, that wouldn't be a call that we could make. But from my point of view, it sounds like either way these issues need to be sorted out - so that your boyfriend can start to understand how you're feeling and how he can support you.

It sounds like you've already tried talking to him but that backfired a little; how did that conversation go down? Was it that you were telling him what he's done (you don't stick up for me)? What about telling him instead how you're feeling, or what it is you need instead?

Another thing that might help is trying to find ways where you do feel good with him; or even noticing and remembering things that help you to feel more positive about the relationship;- what are the things you love about him? What things do you really enjoy together that don't have the pressure of intimacy? (Maybe going for walks or the cinema).

[Kayaking]

Thank you for your comment. I tried to bring it up and state that I didn't feel happy and I wish that he would stick up for me. He says that it's all in my head and then pretends that everything is ok. His family never address his mother's problems, so I don't think him and his family know how to communicate grievances together. My boyfriend also hates confrontation and does everything to avoid it, which means that I can never get my point across. Although he will stick up for his friend, even if he contradicts himself and starts to say stuff that his friend says about me and palms it off as though it came from my boyfriend. I'm trying not to get into too much detail, as I'm trying to remain anonymous. I know I can be difficult at times and it's not all about him. I have my own problems, but I want someone to understand me and not disregard what I say.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kayaking,

Thanks for posting back.

It sounds like it's been really hard chatting with your boyfriend and that he doesn't really understand where you're coming from.

I have a partner myself and it's been really hard getting him to open up because he too came from a family environment where they never talked about feelings and emotions and it all just went into the 'too-hard basket'. It sounds like he's being a bit defensive in saying that it's all in your head rather than trying to understand. For me it was often about sliding things into conversations so that it didn't feel like confrontation. Also being really mindful of going slowly and trying to remember that he's being defensive because he's probably just scared of talking about it.

I completely get that you want to remain anonymous here and don't want to disclose too much; I wonder if there's anyone else that you can talk to where you do feel comfortable saying what's going on? Maybe that's a friend or family member? Of course you could also talk to a counsellor; can be a great way to help brainstorm ideas and ways of trying to connect as well as getting things off your chest in general.

[pipsy]

Hi Kayaking. I was in a similar situation with my hubby. We were married 25 years and during that time I could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of emotional support I received. I too, tried many times to tell him how I felt. I even went to the extent of borrowing a movie along similar lines, he didn't even watch the movie. To your bf, his family are behaving 'normally'. You have come into a family where, to him, your grievances are petty and he can't work out why you are not happy. If you are considering marriage or just long-term relationship I would consider getting a DVD by Mark Gungor. The title 'Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage'. Don't let the title mislead you, it covers all aspects of relationships. Even if he doesn't watch it with you, it may help you decide if this relationship is worth pursuing. Men don't see the same problems women see. If it doesn't affect or bother them, why does it affect or bother their partner/wife? He may never defend you, it could be he has no idea how to defend what he doesn't consider a problem. Believe me I do understand and I sympathize, I've been exactly where you are. I finished up leaving my hubby when I accepted he couldn't be what I needed. Your partner, like my hubby is not to blame, neither are you. It could be you are simply not suited.

Lynda

[Kayaking]

I should try and find that dvd. I'm really struggling with working things out with him. I want to be heard and to feel important within this relationship. Thank you for the advice.

[Quiettall]

Hi there

I sympathise with where you are at. If the other party is not pulling his weight around the house, it sends a bad message to you about being under-valued or under-appreciated. The idea of trying the DVD is a good one, or see one of the Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars books. It makes it very clear that us men need to open up our ears and eyes and understand lots more about how we interact with women.

Keep posting and persist with patience. Above all, believe in yourself and dont let this experience depress you.