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having feelings for someone while your in a committed relationship

Community Member
Hi my first post.

I've been battling depression since i was 17 years old, been on and off meds for years. I am now 32 years old.

I feel bad about this. I've been in a committed relationship with my fiancee for 7 years! we have a daughter that is a year old that I really love very much. I've had a fair bit of bad luck this year. I usually talk to people i know to help me with issues (of late I think I'm annoying people by doing this) This time however I am not game to tell anyone I know. We have this friend and I have kinda become infatuated with her 😞 she is a nice chick but i don't want to lose her as a friend or lose my missus or daughter either. I don't think I could could cheat on my missus. I just wish these feelings would go away!! If i tell my missus this. I don't know how she would take it. I love her but i am just over fighting with feelings all the time. I don't want her out of my life either. If i tell this girl how i feel then I'm sure that gets to my missus also. I just wish there was someway to turn all of this off. you know. especially when this girl is on my mind lots. it's so sad that now when I'm on facebook. I look to see her online or like something i have posted or commented on. I hope someone has some advice on what to do??? I've been trying for so long to make improvments on myself but something silly like this comes along and throws me back to square one
15 Replies 15

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member


This is a very sticky situation. You obviously love your partner and child, and value what you have. Is it possible to take the time to think next time you have one of these reactions for your friend, and deliberately translate that into a different, a positive and new love reaction towards your own partner? This sounds funny, but it is trying to retrain your thinking back to where it should be. After a while, you will reach the point where you will be open with your partner and feel comfortable explaining to her what and why you were doing what you did. She will appreciate that more than if she accidently finds out about your fantasies.

I have experienced firsthand what you are going through. My suggestion is not easy to do, but from my experience, it is a slow but deliberate way of addressing the problem from a positive perspective.

I hope others post some supportive replies to you.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello, thanks for posting your comment.
I'm sure that everyone has an infatuation with someone else, I know I do but realise that it would be unreaslic to believe that it would ever happen, I don't think by doing this would be unhuman for this not to happen, however this could be with a celebrity but when it's someone who you regularly see then it could grow into being a problem.
If you do hook up with her, on the side, it will eventually be discovered by someone and then your marriage may end, which means that seeing your daughter will only be on visitation rights.
This lady may have all the looks and personality that you desire, but once you are both together and after a period of time there is a chance that it may not work out between you, so then you may lose everything you once loved and be by yourself.
If she has an infatuation with you as well, then you are entering into dangerous waters, because the attraction will be too strong and it will happen, because you want to see what she is doing, whether it's on FB or where she is and who else she is talking to, and perhaps feeling jealous when her attention is towards another male person, which will just greaten your want for her.
She may seem to be perfect, but that's the image she shows when she's out in the public, but you don't actually know how she is at home, her personality could be completely different, something which you have never seen.
So the decision is do you want your daughter to be raised by one parent with a father who wants to fall in love with another person.
If you have had bad luck this year which I'm so sorry about, but thinking that hooking up with someone else will make you feel better, yes it will at first but will slowly dwindle away over time.
Sorry mate if I have been straight to the point here, but have seen this happen before. Geoff.

this actually sounds like a good idea, thank you

all good. I don't wan't it going down that path. too much for me to risk. I don't know if she feels the same way as i do, It's never really been a problem, till now. We have both known her for a few years. it's just in the last couple of months I've been attracted to her. I don't know what has brought it on or why???

It's a really difficult situation and crushes when in a committed relationship are really difficult and especially when you have liked that person for a while

However if you act on anything it will be terrible and you will lose everything.Think about yourself and be kind to yourself Sylvia

Hi M.A. From where I'm standing, this girl you feel an attraction for, is possibly because she is listening and talking to you in a way your wife doesn't seem to be. Often our spouses/partners etc, seem to become boring. We adjust to being in the partnership and tend to not talk about things that matter. Instead we start making jokes and stop 'talking'. Then, something serious happens and we can't talk because we've lost the ability to or we argue. Low and behold a 'fresh' face seems to miraculously appear and they seem genuinely interested in what appears to 'ail' us. We become attracted/infatuated because they seem to be the 'answer'. It's possible if you did cross the line, this girl would probably send you packing, plus you would destroy her, your wife and lose your daughter. I often experience infatuations or crushes, and fantasize about what could be. I think perhaps stop following her on fb would be beneficial as this seems to be causing you more problems. If you were both single and on the same 'page' perhaps you could look at pursuing her. However you are committed to your wife, plus you have a daughter.


Dear Lynda

Thank you for your great words of advice.

I have had a crush on a person while married and have found it difficult to deal with. My crush's marriage is breaking down but some how I just have to keep telling myself it would be just terrible if I acted on my stupid Feelings when I have such a trust worthy husband. I think that my crush is a bit interested in me too which hasn't helped but he may have other people he likes too....

I wish I could just turn off my fantasy switch off anyway eniugh of my rambling... once again thank you once again your points you have made a really helpful

thank you sylvia x

Community Member

Hi MA,

I have come to beyond blue to try and find some help for feeling so low about things at the moment. I was in your situation and unfortunately after not listening to any advise or reasoning from family and friends went down the road that you are discussing. It doesn't have a happy ending and when I finally woke up and realised what was at stake it was all too late. I now have lost everything, my wife, my two daughters who I haven't seen for 4 months and all of the financial damage to go with it.

Focus on your wife and your child, forget about the idea of someone else and put it all into your marriage and family.

It won't have a happy ending and when you know your child is with another man and not you, well you would understand how that feels.

I honestly wish that I listened to people and most of all listened to myself, we can do the wrong thing and think that it will all blow over and go away on it's own, getting involved with someone else even in the smallest capacity if there is a mutual attraction is a recipe for disaster. I really hope you can put everything you have into your family, your daughter needs her father to be with her all the way through life in the biggest capacity, I am becoming so distant from my children and am scared not to be a part of there lives.

All the best.

Community Member

Hi Archie2016. Welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry you have lost your family. Is there any way you could reconcile with your wife? I realize, as you do, that there are trust issues involved here, some people would be very reluctant to reconcile due to the 'you've done it once, what's to stop a repeat?' However, if you could talk to your wife and try slowly to re-build what you had, maybe suggest marriage counselling. Let your wife see you are trying genuinely to re-build, show her you do love her and the children. May I ask how long you had been married? You sound as though you do genuinely love your family and you realize the seriousness of the mistake you made. It will take time, but at this stage you have nothing to lose and everything to regain.