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Not coping. Bpd spouse

Community Member

First time posting.

Feeling at my wits end. I have two young children and a partner with bpd.

I myself have GAD and sometimes depression. Along with social anxiety.

I'm not coping with my partner, who I've been with for 12 years. On and off. But mostly on. He has been having alot of "episodes". And I am the target. He can be belittling, verbally abuse, volatile mood swings, demanding and sometimes just says really hurtful things. We have boundaries about his behaviour. But they seem to go out the window during an episode. He always apologises afterwards. And I am aware of his condition and that he doesn't want to be this way. But I'm struggling to keep my own mental health in check. I feel guilty. Like I'm failing my kids, myself and even him. I just feel so small and tired and worthless.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Lily, welcome

I understand a lot about your situation having had a mother (undiagnosed) with BPD. In fact that led to my sister and I breaking contact 7 years ago.

A few ideas. If he over steps the line on behavior during conflict refuse to talk further unless he identifies he has done so. Don't go silent, just remind him with a quiet voice, "Joe, please keep to our agreement on boundaries". etc. As he keeps yelling, quietly remind him "I will keep talking about the subject once you lower your voice, can you do that please darling". Give him every opportunity to do this. If you try hard again and again one of two things will occur, he will either conform or he wont and if he wont then you can calmly explain to him that every attempt has been made by you to stick to boundaries but as they are not working you are considering separation. That could lead to change.

I'm well aware of your predicament. People often say "it takes two to fight", well no it doesn't, it only take one person to be so extreme in their behavior that it can lead to the poor treatment of the other person and unavoidable conflict comes.

Please google the following-

queen witch waif hermit (my mother was all four)

read the book "walking on eggshells by Dr Christine Lawson

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Now this nect one is a beauty....it is a formula that has unbelievable positives and has been used for many years by my wife and I. I thought it up and its surprisingly effective. google

Topic: relationship strife?, the peace pipe- beyondblue

Repost anytime in those threads or in this one.

tony WK

Community Member

As someone with borderline and a failed long term relationship in part because of it.

My only advice is to know that when your partner is having an episode try to remember at that moment they have the same level of rationality as a 4 year old and cannot rationalise any point of the argument or discussion you're trying to have. Leave it go and wait for them to calm down and allow them to process the emotions and thoughts they are having and let them come to you when they are ready

Thank you for the advise. I have checked out your suggestions. I am finding the reading helpful and gaining more understanding.

Thank you. Honestly. I appreciate your insight.