No attachment to my kids

[Guest_989]

So I'm borderline (BPD) and have two children 4 and 18 months...both girls.

They have lived with their mother since Feb last year when she left me.

Although I love my children, and support them financially I have no bond or attachment to them.

I have no desire to see them, or be apart of their lives.

I don't come from a broken home, my folks are still together and I have normal relationship with them and my older sister.

When I lived with my kids, I never had an attachment to them, or bond it's not something that occurred after they left.

I would avoid coming home, and when I was at home would distance myself from them. I always felt uncomfortable, nervous, anxious around them, and felt forced spending time with them.

I was undiagnosed BPD, and struggling heavily at the time.

But now that I'm in control of my emotions, and am quite happy in myself....I still do not want to be apart of their lives. I declined to see them today, even though I was off work

I don't really think about them, nor do I miss them.

Im seeing a BPD specialist psych for the first time on Wednesday, and hoping she can shed some light on this, because I know as a person this is not right, but seem to be rather carefree about the whole thing

I know there is many people on here with BPD, both males and females. Is this a typical trait for borderlines? Or is there something else at play here?

Confused, but not emotional.

[CMF]

Wow, you have been through a lot in a short period of time. The more you share with us the more I can see why things are the way they are for you. I'm certainly no phsycologist but I can why she feels you had trouble forming an emotional attachment. Did you receive counselling after these workplace episodes? Could you have post traumatic stress or anxiety?

sorry, I was under the impression you hadn't seen your girls but it seems you are spending time and doing things with them. Again, well done to you for doing that despite how you are feeling. It's hard enough dealing with young children at the best of times, you are dong your best even though you don't feel like it.

My ex hasn't seen the little one since Xmas day. He did message my yesterday to ask if I was taking her with me for lunch , which I was, but why leave it to the last minute, probably cos he wasn't sure he wanted to see her. You deserve credit for what you ARE doing, focus on those positives and keep up the psych visits to tackle the negatives.

you haven't had an easy time of things, I hope your psych can help you sort through this and you win your fight to keep your girls here. It is clear that you do love them.

keep posting, we are here for you.

cmf

[Guest_989]

Sorry to hear your ex doesn't see your child very much, sounds selfish as it's been 3 months between visits for you, and children notice those things

A lot of my colleagues are still off from that riot, I don't believe I have ptsd or anxiety from it, I don't ruminate too much on it. More critical of myself for errors in procedure I made then the horrors of the events we were witness too

My borderline was well set in before the work assaults and fire, but they certainly didn't help and compounded my inability to process how I was feeling. I never took time off and pushed through those incidents

In my head I want to be super dad, always there and calm. But it just isn't there, I feel no attachment, kind of like if I didn't see them again I wouldn't even notice. As horrible as that sounds

[CMF]

Hey, sorry but I just saw your post back to me about your daughters being prem and the dramas etc, sorry I missed it earlier. You took no time off after the work riots etc, you are one strong person.

I think the fact that the sister and mum were always there taking over had had a big impact on you. You've mentioned that you never felt like the main carer/parent. you were pushed out of your role, made to feel not needed/wanted. I don't get attached to other peoples kids, sure I think they're cute and all but they're not mine so I have no feelings toward them - same as thing with you. Your role was taken away.

i can only imagine the stress you must have felt with 2 prem babies and expecting the worst again with the 2nd. All the sleeping and crying issues with the first would put a strain on any relationship. It sounds like there have been so many factors involved to make you feel the way you do. It makes me wonder if I made my ex feel like that but I had no family coming over to help, I was all on my own. He just turned his back on us. He did have his own issues but I never stopped him coming over.

Youre a good person, giving financial support, accepting responsibility ( my ex doesn't, wanted his mum to help me raise the child) helping when you can, and trying your best to spend time with your girls. I think you've hit the nail on the head when say you're worried they'll move o/s and don't want to form too much of an attachment. I hope you win that battle. You are doing everything right by the sound of things. Do you know when the outcome will be decided? Despite all this you still think positively of your ex and her parenting and are doing your best. From what you've said, I think you know why you feel detached .You have a good heart, you've had a lot happen which has caused you to put up walls (unintentionally). I just read up on 'detachment'. Sounds like you're using detachment as a coping mechanism but it's also caused by psychological trauma ie your workplace. Maybe mention to your psych? I hope he/she can help you bring down these walls.

cmf

[Mezza87]

Totally understandable kids are very energetic and outgoing , it can be easy for adults with medical conditions relating to mental illness it does , at times i come home from work physically exhuasted , hence why im not at work at due to family situation , have you got techniques in place to help you relax , destress ,wind down when kids leave , as the children get older if you and your ex wish to it will be a idea to discuss mental health with the girls not in full details that are going to frighten them just briefly brush over it , that way growing up the girls will have more respect for mental illness .

[Guest_989]

Thanks for the reply, heading to the psych tomorrow, it's a first session so not expecting much to come out of it.

I think there's many contributing factor to how I feel about my girls, hopefully I can start to unravel those walls I've put up.

Im not strong for not taking time off, I'm apart of a team and we all needed each other's backs after that riot. The toll for me wasn't felt, not till the ex left when I was alone to think

[Guest_989]

I'll typically go to the gym afterwards and take out some energy.

Or hit the heavy bag and pads, I like to box.

I do this to relieve work stress too

At the moment we tell my eldest daddy is sick and doesn't want you to get sick too, that's how we explain to her when I don't want to see them

[CMF]

Heya,

was wondering how you were going. The team is lucky to have you.

boxing sounds good. I feel like punching into a bag at times other times I just need some physical activity to release energy too, I never get the chance much, but can feel when I really need to.

good luck with the psych tomorrow, hope it goes well. Keep us posted. It's good how you explain to your daughter why you haven't seen her. My 4yo talks about her dad but never asks why she hasn't seen him, guess she's used to him not being around.

cmf

[Guest_989]

It's sad that it becomes so normal for a child to not ask why they don't see their father. I'm sorry that's the relationship yours has.

Im feeling good today thanks, seem to be breezing for the days, other then the detachment from my little ones

[CMF]

It is sad, but she is a happy little girl and luckily at this stage she doesn't know any different. If anything he is the one missing out but i don't think he even understands that. He used to say kids don't need 2 parents, just a happy environment. Oh well, his loss.

I'm glad that on a day to day basis you get through ok. hopefully with your psych you can sort through the detachment issue but it's good you don't struggle on a daily basis.

[Mezza87]

Good choice with boxing gets all the anger and stress out , i to love boxing and find it a positive way to distress , im glad you found a way to tell your daughterb, btw how did your appointment with the pscologist go