Lost & confused

[Sue78]

Me & my ex husband had a beautiful relationship for 2.5 yrs before we got married on 16 Jan 2016.I used to get along very well with his parents & friends.3 months post wedding arguments started & his friends urged him to divorce me.His mother did not help either.His work stress was impacting him.We started counselling & it was working.We went on a belated honeymoon in June.Came back happy & normal.But soon his stress,his mother & friends got the better of him.The same issues came back in worse form.I could not stop the rot.I went overseas in Dec to visit my mum for a month.During that month his mum told me he was screaming & shouting at his staff & his father,he was working too much,wasn't eating or coping.He did not keep up good communication with me which made me angry & anxious.He informed me he was depressed.He had earlier during our honeymoon told me he is having a midlife crisis.The day I got back he told me we have 11 months left before we go our own way.He told me to get out.It was midnight and I had just stepped into the house.I tried to calm him down & suggest we sit & talk like adults.He refused.I had noticed he had moved to the other room.We never had any intimacy issues so I was shocked.I tried to stand by him being concerned of his mental state but he spiralled.After nearly 12 months of emotional & verbal abuse & couple of attempts to discuss the separation I moved out.When I was moving out he was a raging lunatic.I had to call the cops.We were on the same page re kids & had purchased kids items together but when troubles started last April he pulled back.I had suggested he gets counselling for his stress but he did not.His mother & friends were too influential.Even though at one point I was his confidante & ally,now I am no one.His fury was tremendous & I copped the brunt of it.Anxiety attacks started & I went into depression.I was seeing a psychologist & he was supportive to some extent but he was such a mess himself.He signed up on dating & sex sites.He has been hitting on his female friends & chatting up random women. We are both 39.He owns his own businesses & I have a good job.Now it has been over a month since I left the house.He knows I don't want this separation.He has not once contacted me - neither have I contacted him.Am missing him so much.I thought by now he would have contacted me even if just with angry words.What is going on? Is it all over? Is there no hope? 😞 any insight & advise will be so appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Fairywings]

Hello there and welcome xx nice to meet you xx I'm sorry you are going thru this right now relationships take a turn for a reason. I am so sadend to hear that his family and friends have so much influence over him it's bullshit if you ask me you shouldn't have to put up with any of that. He clearly has issues and needs to sort himself out. Don't blame yourself for any of this clearly there has been underlying pressure for a while and now it has all been let loose. This is going to take some time to get sorted in the meantime i need you to start looking after yourself and begin to enjoy life again. Please keep reaching out to us you have this you come first just remember that and it is totally fine to let go of what no longer serves you life does go on your soul will thank you for it xx nice to meet you xx and take care of yourself xx Venessa

[Croix]

Dear Sue78~

I'm glad you decided to post here at the Forum. Your story sound absolutely terrible and a complete nightmare, leaving you in pain, confusion and turmoil. If it was me there would be anger and self-doubt too.

The way you have set it out makes it quite plain that the marriage is broken for good, there could realistically be no trust in the future even if you got back together.

Frankly in a situation where the partner's family is against the match then the partner has to go one of two ways. Side with the family, thus devaluing and failing to support the spouse, or consider the spouse first and disregard the family.

Unlike your husband I had a total break with my family over marriage - best thing that could have happened.

Here you not only have the first of those two situations, but also the further complication of mental illness on top.

As this is not a overnight thing, but has been going on for 12 months I'm sorry to say I think you are well out of it and need to firstly look after your own well being and secondly start a new life (yes, I know, terribly hard to do).

While it is very sensible to seek help, a psychologist who is a mess himself sounds a total liability. May I suggest you go to (or return to) your GP and seek a different health professional? Anxiety and Depression need proper treatment. As someone who has suffered both I know I could not soldier on by myself - I needed outside help.

Do you have a family of your own, or a friend or someone else you can talk to, who will support you and understand? I found I could not have coped with my illness without both medical and personal support.

One ray of sunshine is that you have a good job. When times were bad I found having work to go to was a real blessing - plus of course having your own financial resources makes a ton of difference.

While you are here, you might like to look up information on anxiety and depression in The Facts menu above, and also have a browse of this Forum to see how others have coped in similar situations.

I'm sorry to have been blunt. Unfortunately I don't know any way to sugar coat this situation. All I can say is please post as often as you'd like, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix