Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

No attachment to my kids

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So I'm borderline (BPD) and have two children 4 and 18 months...both girls.

They have lived with their mother since Feb last year when she left me.

Although I love my children, and support them financially I have no bond or attachment to them.

I have no desire to see them, or be apart of their lives.

I don't come from a broken home, my folks are still together and I have normal relationship with them and my older sister.

When I lived with my kids, I never had an attachment to them, or bond it's not something that occurred after they left.

I would avoid coming home, and when I was at home would distance myself from them. I always felt uncomfortable, nervous, anxious around them, and felt forced spending time with them.

I was undiagnosed BPD, and struggling heavily at the time.

But now that I'm in control of my emotions, and am quite happy in myself....I still do not want to be apart of their lives. I declined to see them today, even though I was off work

I don't really think about them, nor do I miss them.

Im seeing a BPD specialist psych for the first time on Wednesday, and hoping she can shed some light on this, because I know as a person this is not right, but seem to be rather carefree about the whole thing

I know there is many people on here with BPD, both males and females. Is this a typical trait for borderlines? Or is there something else at play here?

Confused, but not emotional.

23 Replies 23

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi azbox,

You ate seeing a bpd specialist psych, congrats there. Many dont and thats what, in my view, separates the courageous from the stubborn.

not wanting to see your kuds nor feeling for them is obviously what you'll need to work on. My concerns however are not for you but for your kids.

My daughtets were 7 and 4yo when my marriage split. As a non custodial dad I had them fortnightly and during holidays. I simply dont know how they would have developed emotionally without me in their lives.

So I'm questioning your ability to consider others, a question you could ask your psych about. Because it is highly unusual for a parent not to feel a strong bond with their kids. I'm not judging you, its obviously a mental condition that needs treatment. In the meantimes please keep seeing your kids.

Their hell started when they were taken from you but it continues when you stop visitations...like their little smiles....to them you are dad and you are important and irreplaceable.

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Axbox,

Firstly, well done for being honest about your feelings. I don't have answers to your questions but my daughters father seems to be similar in some ways. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything but he is a verbally abusive narcissist as far as I'm concerned. Just want to say that I'm glad you have the decency to support them financially, you deserve credit for that.

Were you in agreement with having kids? Everyone reacts differently to parenting. How does your ex feel about it?


Early in the relationship me and the ex had alot of dramas with her sister and mother, if we argued or disagreed she would go and stay the night with them at the drop of a hat, it was like being in a relationship with all 3 of them, an disagreement/decision we needed to make for some reason needed validation from them also

The ex sees a psychologist now to deal with the aftermath of me I guess, and when she told him that I had been diagnosed borderline he said it made perfect sense from what she had told him about me

What stuck with me was she said he told her it explains my abandonment issues with her, because she would leave every time a disagreement occurred, it reinforced my abandonment and issues of trust with her

When both girls were, the sister and mother were always there, taking charge of everything with my daughters, I couldn't come home to my house without them being there, it was relentless and I was always made to feel I was not the main care giver/parent with the ex

I believe that this may have had an affect on the initial bonding periods with my children, sort of being deprived of that time when they need you most

My ex is also from Scotland, and has put in paperwork to the courts for permission to move to Scotland with the girls permanently, this is something I don't agree with and have been fighting, it's been causing a lot of tension between us

I think these two things are driving factors in how I feel about the children

In my head I think, if the court agrees to let them leave I won't be apart of their lives, so I don't want to make that bond now to have it broken

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

We had planned to have our first daughter, we were ready financially, had bought a house etc

However she was born at 33 weeks and it put alot of pressure on us early, hospital for 3 weeks and then a lot of feeding issues and reflux problems for 6 months, she was a baby that cried all the time she was awake, it wasn't a good experience for us, but we did the best we could

For our second, I no longer was attracted to the ex, I never touched her romantically or anything, i was there but not in a relationship. It had probably been a year since I had slept romantically with her, I was out drinking and came home and it happened. It wasn't planned, but not unwanted. I had no intention of leaving as that's not how I was raised

Unfortunately my youngest was born at 32 weeks, again we were under pressure due to this, deja vu in the hospital for weeks again. Only she was an angel of a baby, never cried, always took her bottle, slept through the night from the start. But always in the back of my head was the reflux, colic etc was going to start

The ex dropped the youngest on her head, she tripped over a toy while carrying her....it was an accident but I lost it. She had bleeding on the brain, concussion and was hospitalised for days. Thankfully no permanent damage she's okay now. But I said some horrible things to the ex during and after the moment, was ended only weeks after this

I think these things all play a part in how I feel towards them.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi again,

i totally understand where you are coming from with the issue of her mum and sister being involved in everything. My daughters dad lives with his parents still and although I don't have much to do with them I do feel he as to run everything by his mum. He can't make decisions and when the little one was a baby would double che k everything with her. I have 2 other children, I know what I'm doing. I can understand also your fear of her moving them o/s and not wanting to form a bond to have it broken.

Azbox I do feel for you. Even though you had an undiagnosed condition all this interference from inlaws does not make it easier. I believe couple need to sort their own issues out, not have other family interfering. You're right, it's like being in a relationship with 3 of them, you almost feel ganged up on. I get this.

Have you told your psych all this.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
First of all congrats on being honest with yourself and ecknowledging your true feelings and the fact you are willing to see a specialist your taking that first step forward . As a child care eduactor for 10 yrs and work with (2-5yr olds ) i have come across parents who have bpd while i do not have bpd from knowledge and working with people i have gained some understanding that it is normal to not consider others and struggle to comprehend reasoning to take on responsibilty plyease dont take this the wrong way i mean this in a non judgemental way . All i can say is consider your girls they will want to build a bond with you there at the most cruical age (first 5 yrs are the most important yrs of there lives it forms there identity , thought patterns, all the knowledge they take in prepares them for life , they need a sence of security from both mother father, primary careers . I would like to suggest arranging time to spend with your children and teaching them about your hobbies as a way to bond then taking interest in there interests , likes ,asking questions about them particually your 4 yr old who at 4 children are very inderpendant and able to understand more about day to day life , know the diffrence between right /wrong , grasp a concept of family , friends . The children will apprechiate it and grow up with memorys of things you did together . When the girls grow up they take on family values , beliefs and they become apart of there generation when they have there familys . Hope this helps please remember i do not mean to put you down in anyway your choice to take it or leave it , i wish you all the best and please stay in contact

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Heya! Yes I've spoken to my previous psych about this, she tells me to fight to the end not to let the children leave the country.

Which I did, it just created a lot of tension and arguments with the ex as she feels they will all have a better life over there

The psych says my BPD took hold shortly after being with my ex, the traits manifested I guess. The relationship was tailor made to bring it out I guess.

I was in a large prison riot, a lot of assaults on myself, and was first on the scene to a prisoner who set himself on fire....all happened in a 6 month period right when my second was born prem. The psych believes this is why I couldn't make that emotional attachment due to the demons I was facing in my head

Im not so sure, but they did cause me a lot of mental and physical pain

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I take no offence as I know I am wrong in the way of thinking I have

I know my girls love me and I'm there world. When Aubrey sees me she comes running for a hug, I'm certainly daddy in her eyes

And while they are here, I spend all the time with them, walks, bike rides out the front, sit with her while she plays ipad

However I find it very stressful, I'm constantly anxious when they are there. By the time they leave I'm mentally and physically drained and I find my levels of irritability and emotional response are in less control then when I do not see them

It takes me a few hours to regain my composure and relax again. They are in no danger or anything I'm just tense and not relaxed with them

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Sorry would like to clarify few things;

I don't blame the ex for my BPD, it's my illness and I'll own it's outcome

The ex is a great mum, and always has their best interests at heart

I do see my kids, usually once a week for a few hours, but currently finding it difficult to want to see them (it's been 11 days since I seen them)

I don't run from my responsibilities, I get anything there mother asks me to get. I'd do anything for them