Needing advice been

[Gidget72]

Hi, I am at a dead end of what to do, the last 5 years of my life have been very tough,  I had a injury unable to work but not too bad,  I have become depressed on medication for it but dissent seem to work,  I was on medication that I blamed for my suicide thoughts but am having them again but not seriously,  I haven't been myself which has caused problems with my marriage and it has come to the point I feel I am totally worthless and trying to decide Wether to leave my husband for his sake,  he dosent deserve to go through this with me and he needs to be happy,  I'm making him feel like crap because I am so withdrawn around him and I fake happiness when I'm around everyone else,  should I do him the favour and leave him? I'm at such a loss of what to do,  I just feel like I need to disappear for everyone else's happiness,  any thoughts or advice? Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hey Gidget72,

Welcome to the forums. We can hear you’re going through a difficult time and have been dealing with some incredibly difficult thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now. 

We can hear you've had some thoughts of suicide, and don't feel that they are serious. We hear you, and we're sorry you're dealing with that. We're reaching out privately to offer our support, and if you'd like to reach us directly, you can give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.

When dealing with thoughts of suicide, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a suicide safety plan if you have one, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Gidget72

As a married gal myself who's managed the ins and outs of depression over the years, looking back it never occurred to me that the 'in sickness and in health part' related to mental health as well. I think in the case of a mental health challenge, it's up to our partner to become a specialist in a way, when it comes to helping us manage what we can be struggling to manage alone. It's just not enough, for them to simply wait 'til we 'come good'.

I'm a massive researcher, I have to say, when it comes to mental health (depression especially). With a bit of an obsession with coming to better understand how I tick and what can lead to depression in some cases, I've been stunned by the amount of information out there. The different areas of research can be fascinating - biological/chemical factors, psychological factors, soulful factors, emotional ones and so on. There's nothing to stop our spouse from becoming our research partner. When it comes to the specialist factor I mention, I'd love to hear my husband say in some way 'When it comes to understanding human nature, I specialise in a basic understanding of mental and emotional health'. He's never taken an interest in all the years we've been together. The reason I mention this comes down to not slamming him but instead raising the idea that we should never beat our self up for trying to manage on our own to the best of our ability. 

It would be nice if everyone's partner was packed with wonder as well as being a serious brainstormers. Might sound something like 'I wonder when it was that you began to feel down. I wonder how many factors could have been involved at the time.  wonder what's made things worse. I wonder whether some of those factors aren't all that obvious to us right now. I wonder whether there are a lot of different emotions involved. I wonder whether there's some serious inner dialogue we need to being working with' and on and on it would go. Personally, I can't simply wait for someone I love to 'snap out of it' when they're incredibly down. I'm inclined to wonder and brainstorm with them so that the revelations that come about are something they deeply feel in the way of positive change.

[Gidget72]

Very wise words,  thank you.  I have many many difficult years with my husband as he suffered anxiety but took allot of years to find the right doctor to diagnose and help him,  he is a totally different person now but still overthinks everything and I used to run around after him constantly and make sure he was OK but last few years I've had my first struggles and I admit I haven't been the loving wife I used to be which makes him always think I'm hiding stuff ect but in reality I'm just exhausted and had enough,  nothing makes me happy anymore and I just think I should let him go so he can be happy🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[Juliet_84]

Hi Gidget72,

Please be careful about putting too much weight in your thoughts at the moment, depression has a funny way of tricking us into thinking that we are useless and bringing everyone down, when the opposite is true, people love you and they care about you and want you to be happy. So I would not make decisions based on anyone else’s behalf of what you think they need/want. You really sound as though you are struggling with depression at the moment and probably should make an appointment with your GP to look at new treatment options. 

[Dean07]

Hello sorry to hear things aren't going well for you.

Are you getting help other than the medication for your depression?

I would talk to whomever is prescribing your medication and let them know about the side-effects. Medication can take some adjusting or trying different medications before you find one that is helpful. I would suggest possible to get a psychiatrist to prescribe your medication as they are more highly trained than a GP doing this.

As far as your relationship goes I don't think you can make a decision on your husband's behalf. That is for him to decide whether to stay or not.

If you are finding the relation difficult that is different. If you are you need to address it with your counsellor or with your husband. A relationship breakup is quite stressful on its own without having anxiety or depression. So you want to be sure that the relationship is the problem rather than separating and adding to the problem as well.

You idea of disappearing for a while might be worth looking into. By this I mean separating from your home life and husband for a short time so that you can have time to think for yourself. I would advise doing this under the supervision of a counselor or psychologist so you are not on your own doing this.

Good luck

I hope things get better for you soon

[Gidget72]

Thank you

[Gidget72]

Thank you

[Gidget72]

Thank you 

[therising]

Hi Gidget72

You're a beautiful person in the way you've raised your husband through the challenges of anxiety. He's so blessed to have you in his life. I can understand you not wanting to bring him down, especially with you being someone who likes to raise people instead (to meet with a sense of peace and joy and greater self understanding). Not wanting to bring people down speaks of how caring and beautiful you truly are.

With your husband having a history of being a hyperactive thinker (which does tend to generate a heck of a lot of hyperactivity and stress throughout the body at times), I can understand you not wanting him to go there again. How to slow thoughts down and lower the volume on those thoughts is definitely a challenge. Managing and venting that kind of energy is a skill. You could say, helping you manage how you're feeling life could be a new challenge for him, involving next level skills. Self mastery for our self or our partner can come with a poop load of challenges, that's for sure.

'Love' is an interesting thing. Through 3 very different perspectives its definition changes. So, it can be a matter of how we choose to define it. From a physical or chemical perspective it can relate to oxytocin, dopamine etc. From a psychological perspective it can relate to a lot of mental programs in our head (some good and some not so good). I much prefer the soulful perspective. For me, love is to be found in evolution. If I can feel someone inspiring me and leading me to evolve through tremendous challenges, I can feel them loving me. If there's not much running through that channel between me and them, I simply can't feel what's not there. For example, when my husband walks away from me having expressed how down I feel at times (because he doesn't want to feel upset by how upset I am because he loves me so much), I'm just not feeling the love. When my kids (17yo guy and 20yo gal) sit in a brainstorming session with me, so as to help me figure out why I'm feeling life the way I am, I completely feel that. I feel them leading me to change. I feel them bringing me to life. I feel them raising my consciousness and my spirits. They are actively loving me, not just speaking of love. I love through actively raising others. If we are working hard on all the possible ways in which we can evolve our self, technically we're loving our self. Sometimes we can be loving our self so intensely (working so hard to evolve) without even realising. ❤️