Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Pink-Swirl Co parenting problem
  • replies: 8

My ex and i have kids together and we share care week to week. I feel so lost when my kids aren't with me. I work a casual job during school hours and so I am basically a stay home mum, I also have a new partner who's children live with us fulltime, ... View more

My ex and i have kids together and we share care week to week. I feel so lost when my kids aren't with me. I work a casual job during school hours and so I am basically a stay home mum, I also have a new partner who's children live with us fulltime, they attend school also. My ex works full time and will start at 6am and finish around 6pm mon-fri, sometimes on a Saturday until after midday.. his gf picks kids up from school and cares for them when he is not home. She is good to the kids but I just can't feel comfortable that she is caring for them when they could be with me. It makes me feel sad as it was my world to care for my kids for many years and last couple of years has changed so dramatically. I tried to explain this but it unfortunately backfired and I've hurt the ex and exs gfs feelings. The exs gf has lashed out fully at me and now we don't speak at all. The ex just flogs me off and ignores anything other than talking about the kids. I've recently tried emailing explaining I would like to change the care times around so that he can be present when the kids are at his. Its now been weeks since a response, he shuts me down everything, saying things like don't harrass me about it and I don't at all so it makes me feel even more awful. I find this to be really hurtful and frustrating. I would just like to know if anyone else has gone through something similar and maybe some advice on how I can feel better about this situation as it just feels like such a mess that I do not want in my life.

maggie1 After toddler and relationship advice
  • replies: 3

Hi, im after some advice on toddler tantrums and a relationship on the rocks.My beautiful nearly 3 year ond girl has some seriously big feels! She is amazing, sweet, clever, funny and the best gift in my life. But she has huge tantrums(most days) whe... View more

Hi, im after some advice on toddler tantrums and a relationship on the rocks.My beautiful nearly 3 year ond girl has some seriously big feels! She is amazing, sweet, clever, funny and the best gift in my life. But she has huge tantrums(most days) when things dont go her way, like not wanting to leave the park, wanting to walk instead of being in the pram, nappy changes, getting out of the bath, getting changes... just to name a few. She wil hit scream, cry, roll around, tell me to go away, even just lie down on the floor and not move. Im pretty gentle and try to talk to her, or if we are at home i put her in time out in her room, or i ignore her, sometimes they go for 5 min but tonight was about an hour. Its caused huge issues in my relationship with her dad as i dont agree with the way he deals with the tantrums (yelling at her, closing her in her room, telling her she naughty....) then i get the blame and told im stupid and im the reason shes this way.I should add shes also is a terrible sleeper, i feel like me and my partner haven't slept since she was born, again he tells me its my fault. Am i wrong to think this is abusive? IAny advice would be helpful, thankyouxx

HanSolala Retroactive jealousy OCD
  • replies: 1

Hi all, First time poster. I was diagnosed with OCD at a young age and it is something that has presented in many different forms throughout my life. Currently, I’m experiencing something completely new. I have obsessive compulsions to look at my hus... View more

Hi all, First time poster. I was diagnosed with OCD at a young age and it is something that has presented in many different forms throughout my life. Currently, I’m experiencing something completely new. I have obsessive compulsions to look at my husband’s ex-girlfriends social media and basically ‘stalk’ her online. After researching this feelings/behaviours online, I stumbled upon ‘retroactive jealousy OCD’.It’s a behaviour I’m incredibly ashamed of and desperately want to stop, but I can’t. It feel exactly like all my other OCD compulsions, like an itch I have to scratch. I spend hours each day searching her name online, trying to find old social media accounts, photos of her, news articles, and mostly things relating to their time together. I’ve broken into my husbands social media accounts, just to read over their old messages to each other. I know this is going to sound absurd. But I’m not even jealous of her! My husband is incredible and our relationship is incredibly healthy. I have absolutely no concerns that he harbours any feeling for her or that he’d leave me for her. My husband is aware of this behaviour and it’s something he is super compassionate about, trying his best to support me where he can. But I know it’s uncomfortable for him to talk about his ex, as it wasn’t a healthy relationship for him. He’s moved on and I want to also! After a lot of reflection, I think this behaviour stems from a place of control and power. I struggle greatly with feeling out of control. I think that if I know all of the information about her and their past relationship, I can have a stronger sense of control? All of my OCD behaviours stem from wanting control. Anyway, just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this and what techniques you have used to help end/reduce this behaviour? Thanks,Lala

skater99 Kicked out of home in the housing crisis
  • replies: 1

Due to a family breakdown, my parents decided to evict me and my partner from where we have been living together. My mother suspects my girlfriend of abusing our pets because of something she witnessed out of context. She had also accused both of us ... View more

Due to a family breakdown, my parents decided to evict me and my partner from where we have been living together. My mother suspects my girlfriend of abusing our pets because of something she witnessed out of context. She had also accused both of us of lying and stealing from her which we had proven to be wrong. After a family breakdown, I was given the choice to stay with my parents or leave with my partner and try establish ourselves outwhere. Knowing that my mother was wrong, I decided to leave home but have since been unable to even find a room to rent in the area. Our only options are to stay with her parents over an hour and a half from the city, or to couch surf and hop Airbnb as we have been doing. Both of us are now at risk of losing our jobs due to instability and both of us have been sick and run down from the constant stress. I just want to know that things will get better.

eLJay03 I just need someone to talk to
  • replies: 1

Three weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. It was an extremely traumatic incident where I was rushed to hospital unto surgery, given blood... it's a long story, and one where I could have died. So on top of losing a baby, I'm also dealing with the trauma ... View more

Three weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. It was an extremely traumatic incident where I was rushed to hospital unto surgery, given blood... it's a long story, and one where I could have died. So on top of losing a baby, I'm also dealing with the trauma of that situation. I didnt tell my parents I was pregnant, ut of fear of them being angry and disappointed. I'm 30 mind you. But my mum had heard I'd been rushed to hospital so called concerned so I told her. And she told me I'm just as important as my sisters. I should talk to them. And then proceeded to lecture me on getting pregnant. Because that's what I need when I am doing my best to get through a miscarriage. Lately I've just felt like I can't talk to anyone in my family, so I've distanced myself, and its all I can think about, and maybe I'm overthinking, but I feel alone, and it hurts. I tried to talk to my mum again today, told her I am miserable and have a lot going on, and she asked what I could possible have going on and I just stared at her. My sisters have a lot going on in their own lives, im understanding and I check on with them regularly to make sure they are ok, or to see if they need anything. My younger sister is pregnant, had some complications two weeks ago thankfully all good, and my older sister is currently doing IVF. so they've got there own stuff, and I'm there for them, anytime. And my parents are there for them. And. No one is there for me. (Except for my partner and he is amazing) but I feel like I need someone else to talk to, I just want someone to talk to. Someone to listen. Someone to understand. And to care. And to feel for me. Instead of judging me, and making me feel like a disappointment and a failure, just because I'm living my life a different way, or because things are going to their plans. I am heartbroken. Because pregnancy should be such an exciting time. And my family can't even be happy for me. Just in the announcement itself. I have two kids and both times felt like I was confession more then announcing. Sadly this time couldn't be an announcement either. But even if it were, it would have been met with the same reactions. Criticism. Judgement. Why? Why can't my family be happy for me? Why can't my family support me? The way they do my siblings? Why don't they get me, or accept me? For who I am. Why am I not allowed that same support, that same level of happiness over big things? I just need someone to talk to, no one understands me.

LastChance Wife accuses me to chat to other women, etc.
  • replies: 1

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Her until then relatively mild passive aggressiveness got more frequent and intense. I suggested external help but she refused. Therefore, I started to research by myself. Sh... View more

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Her until then relatively mild passive aggressiveness got more frequent and intense. I suggested external help but she refused. Therefore, I started to research by myself. She found my research and the fact that I chatted with other people. Mainly in forums like that and / of closed FB groups. We talked about it and that my intentions were looking up information, share experiences, etc. Long story short, until today she thinks that I shared issues that should not be discussed outside the marriage and that I am chatting with women. Any suggestions?

white knight Tolerance of other people-  the era of denial
  • replies: 5

The "tolerance of other people" series of threads is focussed on trying to make sense of how people think away from what we expect them to think. A concern of mine for some time has been how in the last 20 years or so, the birth of the era of denial.... View more

The "tolerance of other people" series of threads is focussed on trying to make sense of how people think away from what we expect them to think. A concern of mine for some time has been how in the last 20 years or so, the birth of the era of denial. In simple terms- when someone clearly and ethically does wrong but denies such wrong doing in fact often now, once the deny it, they double down as if fully committed. Such behaviour is not gaslighting whereby someone tries to convince another by actions and manipulation, that they are going crazy. For example- Walking my small dog last week on a lead and suddenly a larger dog ran across the road and attacked myself and my dog. I was really lucky it let go of my dogs neck and tried to bite me. No damage but the owner in her 20's, her sister and her mother all blamed me for walking my dog in "their" street. I'm an ex dog ranger so I know the law and most dog owners know you cant have a dog unrestrained. The ranger attended and despite admitting their dog was unrestrained continued to deny wrongdoing. So, the era of denial is extended to "the people in denial go on the attack". Another common situation is romantic affairs beyond the established relationship. People having the affair (including emotional affairs on the internet) deny wrongdoing. "It's not an affair, just a bit of fun". Times and standards change quickly. I'm 65yo and as a child I received guidance from my parents and other adults, uncles, aunties and grandparents. What they said was what we did. That moral code was not unlike many tribes and generations that handed down the guidelines. So, would this new attitude be responsible for marriage breakdown? Possibly. When admission of guilt is not forthcoming where is the rule book? The offender that has strayed often knows full well the boundary they've broken but denial sows the seeds of guilt and guilt means doubt. Hence solid evidence is usually needed. Apologies no longer exist In this "era of denial" it has led us to one decision-the implementation of the law. That is the only way we can deal with those that break the law whether allowing their dog to wander/attack, a small accident in a car park or a partner straying. It is an advantage to us to finalise any wrongdoing either lawfully or by action (eg leaving). Our challenge is to remind ourselves what we know as the right thing to do in a era of denial by those willing to sow those seeds of doubt. You deserve better if you are honest. TonyWK

nit Going through a rough break up and self acceptance
  • replies: 1

Since the day I connected with him, I could feel something isn't right. But I wanted to know him, get close to him, even though we weren't aligned. I went with it and started to trust him with secrets, I have never disclosed to anyone. I expected the... View more

Since the day I connected with him, I could feel something isn't right. But I wanted to know him, get close to him, even though we weren't aligned. I went with it and started to trust him with secrets, I have never disclosed to anyone. I expected the same or at least that he wouldn't lie to me. He lied about his past initially, which I got to know only because his words didn't match, as to what he told me previously. I felt disrespected because it was something that I was completely honest about but he wasn't. Before this happened, he pointed out things that I'm insecure about like skin colour, acne, body image etc. For me, it is so basic not to mention anything the person can't fix in a few seconds, but he didn't care how I would feel about it.Also, on our initial date, he kissed me without even confessing how he feels about me, I still went with it, thinking he would say it very soon. But it didn't happen. I was very confused, as to what was happening. If the guy is interested, why is he not being vocal or saying things directly? Sending memes, or texting good morning/gn texts isn't enough, I need to hear the words. We met again, and things remained the same, but this time he went one step further, which put me off and I went home. I felt so bad for what had happened. I called him in the evening to talk about it, he said he had a similar feeling. He went with it because, in his past relationships, everyone would move fast, so he had the same image of me. I felt very disposable because I am very different to other people and I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. i don't know why I liked him or wanted to be with him, he apologised and we again continued to date. But with no labels, because I wasn't sure if he was a good person and wanted to take some time. I didn't feel it right to judge him from his behaviour, it could be the way he was brought up or things he has seen that made him this way. Things went wobbly again, I didn't have a sense of trust or safety. I was so anxious the whole time, ' is he still comparing me to his past exes, what part of me doesn't like '.

Trying_Optimist Don't want to let go of 1% hope but don't want to be a doormat
  • replies: 4

Hi, My fiance and partner of 8 years ended us in July. Reason: 'he needed to work through childhood trauma and didn't think he was a relationship person'. I have now been out on my own for 1 month. I chose to move because I thought it would show him ... View more

Hi, My fiance and partner of 8 years ended us in July. Reason: 'he needed to work through childhood trauma and didn't think he was a relationship person'. I have now been out on my own for 1 month. I chose to move because I thought it would show him my commitment to listening to what he needs (distance) and that still living together was doing further damage. When I moved out, I found him sobbing and holding his head and then at the end he just kept repeating, 'I'm so sorry, I'm so confused'. Fast forward a week and a half from moving and I went back to get things (I still have a lot there). I found the work 'friend' I had expressed concern about all year stayed the night. I was shattered. I left without him knowing. He had said earlier it was his male friend coming for tea that night. A few days after that it was our anniversary. My friend helped me move more stuff out while he was at work, but I ended up seeing him later. We ended up talking for 2 hours, but it was basically him crying and unloading on me about being confused and this not feeling real & he may move home overseas next year (our original plan). He said the female friend had stayed because her apartment had 'carpet moths'. She in the bed, him on couch. I so desperately wanted to believe that. He repeated that he would never go out with her for many reasons such as an alcohol problem. I left and felt just so sad for him and me. The following week I was in the area so messaged him to see if he was ok for me to go and get stuff - he replied ok.I found more evidence of her being there. I feel sick and leave. Don't say anything. We end up talking the next day as my rental had water leaks and may need to stay at the house for a night. He ends up yelling at me that I trigger him. I ask how as I don't intend to. He refuses to tell me and the phone call ends. A week ago I went back for things when he'd be at work. More evidence of her. I'm Crushed. I see a note from her saying that 'though she can't say everything she'd like to, she has so appreciated his care and warmth'. I hate I still hope we could try again with a stronger understanding of what we both need. We still haven't sorted the house/money and I'm afraid that I'm being a doormat while he gets to enjoy our lovely house with the 'friend'. But I don't want to make it so final and walk away.

LastChance After the crisis
  • replies: 2

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Since that time every hug or smile feels fake, every sympathy is an act of respect but does not feel sincerely. Sometimes I feel she is totally checked out and just waits for... View more

Thanks for having me here. My wife and I had a major crisis some years ago. Since that time every hug or smile feels fake, every sympathy is an act of respect but does not feel sincerely. Sometimes I feel she is totally checked out and just waits for the right moment to exit. It’s hard to describe. Any tips?