Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Symbolism used as a tool for happier relationships
  • replies: 2

I first realised I used symbolic tokenism many years ago when I had a falling out with a work colleague in a factory. Basically he went running to my boss about a matter that could have easily been fixed with a short direct conversation. That event m... View more

I first realised I used symbolic tokenism many years ago when I had a falling out with a work colleague in a factory. Basically he went running to my boss about a matter that could have easily been fixed with a short direct conversation. That event made me furious. I took weeks to calm down and my obsession with him and that action caused me to dislike him more each time I saw him. One day at knock off time I did most of the locking of doors when it was his responsibility. He passed me at the last door and said "thanks Tony I appreciate that". That gesture was all that I needed to "bury my grudge" which actually meant that I was needing a reason so I could go in that direction likely because I was uncomfortable and preoccupied with him which wasnt a good thing. Accepting tokenism as a lever to resolve disputes is akin to taking the opportunity to resolve. Resolve means less turmoil over what is most times - minor matters. We dont all do things the same way and that acceptance of being different is one of our basic challenges. There is also "the benefit of the doubt"https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt/td-p/254054 The benefit of the doubt is crucial in our judgement of others. In the case above I failed to give that benefit to my work colleague. Instead of seeking out the REASON for him to sidetrack me and report matters to my boss I ASSUMED he was running to the boss so as to degrade me and elevate him. How wrong I was. Following his symbolic gesture of thanking me we got talking really well and one day he brought up the topic to explain to me that his conversation with our boss was due to it being a health and safety matter and at such a meeting among representatives the rule was passed that any such issue must be reported to the manager, documented and the manager takes it from there. Learning that made me realise that there was a failure of communication of such rules by the manager, him or me. Prejudging occurs when we dont have solid evidence of all the facts. It can cause long periods of anguish which can be short circuited quickly "nipped in the bud". That leads to better mental health. Embracing symbolic gestures can lead to solving ill feeling. Grudges are personal and the pain is internal... it solves nothing TonyWK

Elizabeth Louise Husband served me Divorce Papers. Do I have Hope? Or is it Denial?
  • replies: 1

Hi All,My husband asked for a separation again in Aug 22. We had some cracks in our marriage, but i thought things were going OK after i was focusing on my behaviour. But i dropped the ball after some additional stressors which I shouldn't have taken... View more

Hi All,My husband asked for a separation again in Aug 22. We had some cracks in our marriage, but i thought things were going OK after i was focusing on my behaviour. But i dropped the ball after some additional stressors which I shouldn't have taken on. It was too late.He pushed to sell our home and threatened to take me to court if I didn't comply. We sold in November. The packing, moving to a rental was extremely stressful. We share the kids 50/50.After going on a holiday with the kids for a week I was feeling more like myself again.But recently my husband served me with Divorce Papers (2 mths post separation). He is claiming that we were already separated under the one roof for 12 mths which I don't agree with.I cant even use the term "ex" yet. I still call him my husband. Just when I thought I could focus on moving on and letting him go, I'm back to having hope again. I'm thinking If i could prove we were not separated under one roof (which i can), I'm hoping that if I delay the Divorce process, who knows what could happen. Maybe with time and space we might still have a chance to reconcile. There is still Love there and I would love to keep my family together. I hate only seeing my children half their lives. They are still so young.I just think if I could just get him back to marriage counselling just one more time, then maybe we could actually work things out. I know him better now more than ever. I feel like I finally understand him after everything that's happened over the last few years. I know what I did wrong and I was working on change. But change isn't linear. It takes time and patience. Should I just try talking to him one more time? Or give it time and then have that discussion when he is more open to hear me?I will be getting legal advice and hopefully I can delay the Divorce process.I would love to hear some success stories of marriage reconciliation after a period of separation! Especially when your spouse has given up hope.

Eleven11 Fighting the narc in court
  • replies: 24

Is this something anyone else is going through at the moment? I've been in this battle for the past three years and seriously find the legal system a joke.

Is this something anyone else is going through at the moment? I've been in this battle for the past three years and seriously find the legal system a joke.

rhinoceros Entering the world of dating after a long term abusive relationship
  • replies: 10

Hi everyoneI've posted here while I was still in an abusive relationship, and after I left it. I can't begin to express how much I appreciated the support. I'll try and be concise. I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She unfortunately is a c... View more

Hi everyoneI've posted here while I was still in an abusive relationship, and after I left it. I can't begin to express how much I appreciated the support. I'll try and be concise. I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She unfortunately is a covert narcissist. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. Instead of leaving, I spent a long time trying to 'fix' the relationship with the belief that it was my fault she was unhappy/angry etc. Intimacy and sex was a huge issue for us. She had little to no interest most of the time, and early on I had issues with anti-depressants that didn't help either. When she was interested in sex, I really had no choice - saying no was not really an option - she would go into a rage. I've been out of that relationship now for about 1 1/2 years. I had a huge breakthrough recently, where I went on a date with someone. Despite having intense anxiety and panic about it, I managed to do that. It went well. I did mention I was more after friendship initially. It went well enough that we met up again a couple days ago - again I was less nervous. It's tricky- I am interested in this person and would like to spend more time with her. Unfortunately I have a lot of issues with intimacy and sex, caused by my ex. I don't associate it being a positive thing really, rather something to be frightened of. I Just the thought of it really causes me to feel anxious. I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining it. I see a Psychologist and while I've made some progress, it's still an uphill battle. With that said, it would be so sad if I missed out on potentially a good relationship on the account of my ex. One part of me wants to reach out to this new person; I genuinely would like to see her again. Yet another part of me is very frightened. I'm very down in the dumps today about the whole situation. My depression and anxiety is really challenging me. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I would be so grateful for any help.

JeLo I’m living with a functional alcoholic
  • replies: 8

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He is the closest thing to perfect in almost every way. Affectionate, loving, an incredible father, provider, friend. Everything you could ask for in a partner. But he drinks. A lot. Never during the week... View more

My husband and I have been together 10 years. He is the closest thing to perfect in almost every way. Affectionate, loving, an incredible father, provider, friend. Everything you could ask for in a partner. But he drinks. A lot. Never during the week... But binges from Friday to Sunday. Each night of the weekend he’ll drink 500ml cans of mid strength beer and will easily down 6 (each is 2 standard drinks). And throw in a few double shot whiskeys or some premixed cans of 12%. Sundays is slightly less as he works Monday. He, and I quote, “drinks to destress”. He feels relaxed when he’s “tipsy” - but in most cases, you would classify it as drunk. We’ve fought about his binge drinking behaviour through our entire relationship. It’s the only thing we argue about. He doesn’t think it’s an issue and doesn’t want to change but has tried to cut down to make me more comfortable. Because of this though (and to avoid the arguments), he started hiding alcohol around the house. I’ve caught him hiding drink in shoeboxes, coke bottles and around the house on 3 seperate occasions now. He’ll drink in most occasions. Alone, with friends, even after a full night drinking he’ll come home and have another full night drinking. He’ll stay up late, and never, EVER stops at 1, or 2… He says it’s my problem that I have to adjust to because he’s not going to stop. He constantly reminds me that there’s people worse than him - and yes, there definitely is - but I just can’t seem to get over it. I feel anxious to the point of feeling sick every time he cracks open a beer or pours a drink. And I’m mostly scared for the what ifs. His tolerance is throughh the roof so the amount he drinks keeps climbing. Work and life stresses means he craves it more. He starts getting frustrated if his drinking time is interrupted or delayed. I think about our kids and their exposure to what he defines as normal. I don’t really know what I’m looking for… He’s a great partner. Seriously. But he isn’t willing to compromise on the drink. Am I being silly for feeling how I do if he’s so great in all other aspects? We’re fine during the week but the second Friday night rolls around, we’re both tense.

lisa_1257 seeking attention in relationship
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is seeking attention in a relationship ok? i know it’s normal to want other peoples attention but is seeking it okay? and what if the person is doing it subconsciously

is seeking attention in a relationship ok? i know it’s normal to want other peoples attention but is seeking it okay? and what if the person is doing it subconsciously

charlymay1 Mumguilt
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We have raised our kids they are 24 and 26 have careers partners houses and seem fairly settled etc.daughter 24 had our first grandson he is now 8 mths old we have been very active and supportive. We are close to our kids and put them first in most d... View more

We have raised our kids they are 24 and 26 have careers partners houses and seem fairly settled etc.daughter 24 had our first grandson he is now 8 mths old we have been very active and supportive. We are close to our kids and put them first in most decisions for the past 20 yrs.we have a big opportunity in another state to set ourselves up for retirement we would move away for two years or so we would be able to travel back every 8 weeks for a few days to visit and holidays and keep in touch via phone and video chats etc I see my daughter and grandson every week now and love it.my hubby wants to go as we would love a change and all that goes with this. I feel sad at the thought of going and think I may miss out on so much with my grandson do you put this in front of financial and career gain so confused with mum guilt i mentioned it to my daughter and she was not real happy. Thanks for opinions. My son hasn’t responded but I think in the future he may do fifo anyway so will travel away himself and will understand

Greevus Wondering what to do next.
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When I was younger I was a little crazy but I tryed to change so I wouldn't hurt people anymore........So I haven't lived with close family for over 20 years. I'm now in my early 30s and of all my friends I felt like I new what I wanted to do with my... View more

When I was younger I was a little crazy but I tryed to change so I wouldn't hurt people anymore........So I haven't lived with close family for over 20 years. I'm now in my early 30s and of all my friends I felt like I new what I wanted to do with my live early. Long story short iv just moved in with my mother and her partner after loosing my house and job. I haven't lived with my mum since I was nine and can count the number of times iv visited on one hand. I have a friend who has lived with me for a year before hand....they let us both move in with them...my friend is still young, early 20s and it's not going well. His a bit messy and all but he trys. I do appreciate them extending us the invitation to stay but now I feel like I rushed into something I'm stuck in.. My point of view on it is..I spoke to my mum and her partner extensively before coming explaining exactly what my friend was like before moving(he has mental issues as well) but I see there point where he might come off as using people(I'm still on the fence) and needs to work as a housemate not just a friend. ....I have extreme anger issues i have worked threw alone for the entire time. I handle it very well iv never been near a doctor. I'm stuck in a situation iv created and I'm not sure how to handle this one..... I Would just ask my friend to move but honestly his like a 15 year old.. The only reason my mother and partner are together still is because I came here and sorted a bunch of domestic stuff with my brothers and sisters. They were going to split before I came but have really worked together in the last year.. So I feel a lot of guilt for still being here myself and then having my friend here on top of it. I would love to give them there house back but if I go rush to work right now I feel like I'm going to explode either at work or at home and 21 years of trying not to be that guy(I don't no how to explain It). I just hate who I can be when I'm angry. Any thought on this one ?

Advicepoor Overwhelmed, confused and depressed.
  • replies: 2

My partner has his phone on silent when I’m around. He is adamant that we don’t need access to one another’s phone because we should just trust one another.He seems so secretive but denies he is and says it’s just my insecurities. He regularly says m... View more

My partner has his phone on silent when I’m around. He is adamant that we don’t need access to one another’s phone because we should just trust one another.He seems so secretive but denies he is and says it’s just my insecurities. He regularly says my insecurities might push him away. He changes arrangements with his ex around child visits (it’s 50/50 and if she wants to change things, he just agrees and doesn’t speak with me about it). Do I deserve a say. It affects me after all. What if I have plans for him and I because I’ve planned around the arrangement they have. Its like he has a whole other life with his ex regarding the children. It’s like he is living 2 lives. He doesn’t mind me and my children helping to look after his children though. His daughter is a terribly badly behaved child and he always blames my daughter for the chaos that his daughters spoilt tantrums create. I feel like I’m just a shadow, I have no say and I’m irrelevant. He constantly uses ambiguous comments and questions then twists it to suggest I jumped to conclusions. He tells me he puts so much effort into our relationship but I don’t. He constantly makes comments about having sex with other women but tells me I just need to trust that he is committed to me. My self worth and confidence is destroyed and I’m broken. I’ve never been depressed before but I actually hate my life and enjoy nothing. We have been together about 14 months. Any constructive input would be much appreciated.

John-26 Partner getting money from her ex
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Today I voiced how I felt with my partner az she asked her ex who she has kids with for money this has only happened today and only once I told her I'd rather her ask me as I feel like her ex would feel like she still relys on him and i feel bad as I... View more

Today I voiced how I felt with my partner az she asked her ex who she has kids with for money this has only happened today and only once I told her I'd rather her ask me as I feel like her ex would feel like she still relys on him and i feel bad as I couldn't help her am I wrong for saying that. It was only for smokes. This has only happened once.