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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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sparrowhawk My boyfriend slept with a sex worker
  • replies: 14

I (31F) have been dating a man (37M) for the past three months. I left a long-term unhealthy environment (a religious community) last year, have carried a lot of hurt and pain from that, and didn't expect I would find someone who would care for me or... View more

I (31F) have been dating a man (37M) for the past three months. I left a long-term unhealthy environment (a religious community) last year, have carried a lot of hurt and pain from that, and didn't expect I would find someone who would care for me or want to be with me (he is my first boyfriend). We've formed a very deep and open connection and have been honest about ourselves. He went overseas during April and while he was away I sensed something was off. We usually message daily, he had mentioned before he left he'd call and stay in touch but we had minimal contact. I tried to put it down to the fact he was away, and of course wanted him to have a good time, but something didn't sit right and I thought he might have found someone else or wanted to break up. I saw him last Friday after he got back and he was still a bit off, but I put it down to him being jetlagged. When I talked to him on Sunday he told me he wants to take things slow, and that he's unsure of his long-term goals. Last night he called me and told me he paid for sex while overseas. He was incredibly apologetic and aware of what this might mean for our relationship. I'm completely devastated and can't help feeling like this is a reflection on me and that I'm obviously not good enough, just as I wasn't good enough for the people I lived with in community. I have really found myself falling for him, really liking him and feeling very connected and safe with him. It's breaking me to think we need to part ways but I can't see any reason that would make this something I could move through. I just can't stop crying.

Kimberley78 Partner of 10 years showing signs of mid-life crisis & depression, maybe dumping me out of the blue
  • replies: 1

I’m a female who’s nearly 45 and my partner, who I’ve been with for almost 10 years and have known for over 30 years, has shown signs of mid life crisis and possibly depression since Easter. On Saturday, he told me he’s feeling bad and ‘still cares a... View more

I’m a female who’s nearly 45 and my partner, who I’ve been with for almost 10 years and have known for over 30 years, has shown signs of mid life crisis and possibly depression since Easter. On Saturday, he told me he’s feeling bad and ‘still cares about me’. It came out of the blue and I feel so heartbroken and shut out. I don’t know where I stand with him, meaning are we still together or not? I have gotten him to talk and he keeps saying ‘I don’t know’ when I ask questions about where I stand with him, why he’s acting this way, etc. I split up from my ex-husband back in 2009 and the divorce from him was finalised in 2013. 10 years later, I’m worried I’m about to be back to where I was in 2009.I really love my partner and I want to help him and I’m trying to help him. I have said that I think he needs counselling and I suggested taking up a hobby or getting back into basketball, which he enjoys. When I’m alone, I’ve been crying on and off, trying to process things because I don’t understand why he’s acting this way and where this talk of potentially dumping me came from. I even asked him ‘is potentially dumping me really the answer?’ I said to him that ‘it feels like you’ve hit a hurdle in the road and given up, not just on yourself but also on us’. I pleaded with him not to shut me out.I’ve been sleeping in the spare room on a sofa bed which is not that comfortable for the last few nights, the room itself is cold and it’s cramped. I’m doing this to give him space but I’m afraid I’ll end up having to move myself and my cat out in the future. We’re in the midst of a rental crisis at the moment and this is all scary. During the working week I go to work and have to put on a brave face and try not to think about it, which itself isn’t easy. I feel alone and I don’t know what else to do

Gooigi Boyfriend broke up with me due to mental health (gay couple)
  • replies: 1

I met my boyfriend last September. I have never had a stronger connection with someone. I cannot believe how drastically the relationship changed within the space of a week. He lost his job and after about 6 weeks of unemployment he stopped being kin... View more

I met my boyfriend last September. I have never had a stronger connection with someone. I cannot believe how drastically the relationship changed within the space of a week. He lost his job and after about 6 weeks of unemployment he stopped being kind, responding to my messages and lost interest in me. Naturally I assumed he was getting over me, but he told me he wasn't and that he was just so sad about not having a job. This was helpful because I realised it wasn't about me. It meant I could focus on him better. All I asked was that he could respond to my messages no matter how depressed he was feeling. I was trying so hard to support him: preparing him meals for the week, doing his groceries and just trying to make him laugh. But he found me overbearing. I was feeling so unappreciated despite how hard I was trying. This made me overextend more, which I think was making him feel worse. He didn't improve his communication with me and my anxiety was getting so bad. There is no other way to put it: he was treating me like shit. I was desperate for things to get back to the way they were so I decided that would go on a break with him to give him space to focus on himself. However, I couldn't work out how to do it without making him more sad. He was finally realising (after 2.5 months of this depressive episode) how sad i was becoming in the relationship. He suggested that we break up so that he could focus on himself. The next day I was sad, but I wasn't anxious anymore so I felt like it was a positive step. The gist of the break up was that we would revisit the relationship in a month to see if he is in a better headspace. I told him that i would find it really hard if i saw him on a dating app, he responded saying "I don't even feel like having sex with my own boyfriend, I'm not about to start dating". A couple of days later, I must have been feeling particularly self destructive because I decided to download grindr to see if i could find my boyfriend, which I did... I was crushed. I messaged him because I wanted to clarify whether he actually had any intention of getting back together with me but he never responded. I am so hurt that he can't even do this. Maybe I am naive, but I still believe he wants to get back together when he is better. I know it's his depression but he has been so cruel. I don't even know if I COULD date him anymore after this, as much as I want to restore what we had.

Cordyline Mid-life Crisis ending 30 year relationship - do I give up?
  • replies: 2

I guess I'm here because I'm looking for a reality check and some shared experience to stop my brain spinning.Mid last year my husband told me he was unhappy and left. He asked for 6 months to try living away - we have been together for 30 years (we'... View more

I guess I'm here because I'm looking for a reality check and some shared experience to stop my brain spinning.Mid last year my husband told me he was unhappy and left. He asked for 6 months to try living away - we have been together for 30 years (we're in our mid -40s). Together, we have two challenging teens (ASD & ADHD), our daughter has also been severely ill and hospitalised in ICU twice. My husband has a complex family background and most certainly has abandonment issues, his mum passed 7 years ago. This was the trigger for a change in his behaviour - he stopped enjoying life, drank more, slept less, paid less attention to the kids and generally disengaged with all of us. I have been juggling family life for years in the hope that he would 'wake up'.He has never dealt with the trauma of his past, finds it super hard to talk about his feelings or emotions. Now, he's told me it's over for good. He wants me to sell our house so he can start a new life. He's also had a girlfriend for nearly 6 months. I still have to see him every time we 'swap' the kids over. But... aside from this he has pretty much totally cut me out of his life. He cannot tell me why he left, he can't explain, he simply says he is not depressed and does not want to continue. When we do actually see each other it's as though nothing is different, he's friendly, smiley and jokes with me. He wrote to me late last year to tell me I was an amazing wife and mother yet, he didn't want to be with me. I'm am struggling every day with the loss of my best friend and partner in life.I am beyond confused, hurt and devastated. I'm seeing a psych. I'm taking anti-depressants. I'm trying to immerse myself in positive wellbeing actions. BUT I'm grieving, confused and worried that I'm holding onto false hope that he will realise he's having a mental health breakdown and will want to repair at some point. The man I see at the moment is not my husband, it's like he's a had a total personality transplant. I feel like I'm sinking in quick sand - his leaving was so unexpected I'm in disbelief, I can't head out and date anyone because it feels like going against my integrity but I've been stuck in a sad, dark holding pattern for nearly a year, I'm not sleeping properly, I wake up angry or sad, I dream about him and our family life, almost everything in life reminds me of him. I don't know how to be, whether to give up on our marriage or not....

patrick_ Feeling like a burden and causing a communication breakdown
  • replies: 1

I have bad depression and quit my 10+ year career to work on my mental health, i met my current girlfriend toward the beginning of that period and she had some personal issues and some financial barriers to starting her business which I paid for and ... View more

I have bad depression and quit my 10+ year career to work on my mental health, i met my current girlfriend toward the beginning of that period and she had some personal issues and some financial barriers to starting her business which I paid for and she promised she would support me through my recovery when her business was up and running. Now we are in this position and i have run out of all my life savings and reliant on her income (i start a casual job next week) i now cant handle any negative talk about money, my brain just completely shuts down if there's a money issue and I cant function, I come off as cold and grumpy and mean. Tonight she said she was stressed about money and I said I cant talk about it right now because it made me feel like my head was going to pop off. This intern makes her feel like she cant vent about anything to me and all the responsibility is on her i of course feel terrible because i feel like my depression has sapped so much energy i cant concentrate on seeing the reality of the situation. This causes big arguments because i feel like im being attacked for putting us into this situation even though shes just trying to just vent to me. I react in a way thats super defensive and like someone whos being accused of something. we now are sleeping in seperate rooms after tonights argument and not sure if she even wants to keep trying anymore because she said supporting me through this is too much for her now. im so tired of not feeling like myself and the longer it goes the more not myself i become. im even more tired of making her feel sad. i dont really have enough money to go to therapy anymore and i feel like dying cause ive just made mistake after mistake and i need a reset, whatever that is. dying on purpose takes alot of energy and i have none so i dont think i will. i wish i knew how to have the energy to fix myself

Toonice Being pushed to my limits
  • replies: 27

Hi, I am hoping for some advice on my current living situation, which is pushing me to my limits and really affecting my mental health. So, almost a year ago I had an old work friend turn up at my doorstep early one morning because her house was abou... View more

Hi, I am hoping for some advice on my current living situation, which is pushing me to my limits and really affecting my mental health. So, almost a year ago I had an old work friend turn up at my doorstep early one morning because her house was about to flood. She had her stuff with her and I obviously let her in and then stay with us (my daughter and I). I let her stay in my daughter's room and my daughter slept in my room. She started getting payments from her insurance company for accommodation of $350 a week, and offered to give me half. I regrettably agreed to that and to this day she is still living with us in my daughter's room. I feel in the last 11 months I have gone to hell and back. Her living here has taken it's toll on my mental health. I was finally enjoying living alone with daughter after leaving an abusive relationship with her father. I am an introvert and like to have my own space. My friend is very needy and clingy. She had to come absolutely everywhere with us and do things at home with us too. This became too much for my introvert nature. I also cook dinner and breakfast for her and give her a lift to the shopping centre nearly every week day so she can get on a bus to go where she needs to go. I have been doing this for the whole 11 months and I am sick of it. Also, 5 months ago I stupidly let her reduce her payment to me down to $100 a week. I only agreed to it because she said it was for "a few weeks." She now refuses to pay me the normal amount due to her having to save for a new roof. This $100 she gives me covers the rent, bills and food. When I asked for $50 more she refused. Because of my personality and how opposite we are, we have clashed a few times. She is a very strange person and has a lot of quirks that drive me crazy. During the week I have to drop my daughter off at school and then go to work, which is stressful enough. Then she makes me run late because she is not ready, which causes me a lot of stress! I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts because I feel very sorry for her losing her house and most of her stuff in the floods. I feel like such a bad person, but I am feeling so stressed and depressed with her living here. I was happy to help out, but didn't realise it would go on so long. I'm hoping someone has advice for me

MegMc_D FebFast and return to drinking
  • replies: 2

My husband is doing FebFast (abstaining from alcohol), I am joining him on this, to be supportive. He is a heavy drinker, and is very high functioning. We have two adult children, under the age of 20, who live at home, attending university. He drinks... View more

My husband is doing FebFast (abstaining from alcohol), I am joining him on this, to be supportive. He is a heavy drinker, and is very high functioning. We have two adult children, under the age of 20, who live at home, attending university. He drinks alcohol most (4-7) days a week, and goes to bed drunk. He commonly stays out very late for work related "networking", staggers in drunk, snores horrendously with periods of sleep apnoea, and wakes up reeking of alcohol. He is able to function the next day, but it damages his relationship with me and our children. Between binges he is often defensive and grumpy, misinterpreting our conversations as criticisms. I have asked him to sleep in the rumpus room if he comes home drunk, but he has only respected this boundary once or twice. He commonly fell asleep on the train, and would ask me to pick him up from the end of the line. He is offended that I am angry at this imposition. I have told him I will no longer pick him up if he sleeps past our station. This means he needs to find other transport, as the train service ends soon after midnight. The nights he is at home he games for hours either on his phone or tv. I must say, it is not all bad, and we do have some lovely times.The difference from 10 days of abstinence is striking. He looks well, his eyes are clear and his skin looks brighter. He is far less moody. We spend more time together, and all relationships have improved. The days are lighter. His sleep is better, (as is mine) his snoring has stopped. He is losing weight. We have more money. I want to encourage him to get professional help for his drinking, as he has done Febfast before, and goes back to his usual habits soon after. He had psychology some years ago, which did address his drinking. I find myself deeply deeply sad, that I have a glimpse of what life could be without the alcohol, but with the looming sense that it may end in a few weeks. *Should I address the issue, and encourage him to access support, in Feb, or just see how it goes, and raise the conversation, once he goes back to drinking?* I have some organisations to refer him to, and will be arranging counselling for myself, and have located our local Al-anon group. Our kids already see psychologists.

Clara1 Moving Out
  • replies: 1

I want my brother to move out of my house. He is very difficult to live with. He complains all the time about my appearance, my diet, even what work I do. I have told him many times that if he is not happy with me that he should move out. I am not su... View more

I want my brother to move out of my house. He is very difficult to live with. He complains all the time about my appearance, my diet, even what work I do. I have told him many times that if he is not happy with me that he should move out. I am not sure what else I can do. He is not violent towards me but he starts lots of arguments.

anonymous329 ex who i cant forget
  • replies: 1

we dated twice, the first time was only a puppy love relationship that got broken up due to rumours, but the second time was completely different, i ran away from home to be with him and after almost 6 months living with him he broke up with me becau... View more

we dated twice, the first time was only a puppy love relationship that got broken up due to rumours, but the second time was completely different, i ran away from home to be with him and after almost 6 months living with him he broke up with me because he had to let go of me so he could heal, i still don’t understand why but i accepted it, he got a girlfriend the next day that was supposedly the girl he was seeing behind my back, and then for a month and a half he was cheating on that girl with me, telling me he wanted to get back with me and that i was “the one”, somehow i ruined it but he got back in touch with me and asked if i wouldve said yes if he asked me to get back with him, i froze and said that i didn’t know, 6 months later if i had just said yes i would still be with him, fixing our relationship. He’s with a different girl now, the girl i hated since i was little and who also had a crush on my ex the entire relationship. I miss him with all my heart and i know that he misses me too i don’t know how i know but i just do, he always comes back, i know he can’t right now because of his current girlfriend but i can bet on anything that as soon as their relationship ends he’s gonna come crawling back to me. Although i’m stuck on how i feel about him, some days i just want to scream at him how much i hated how he made me feel, others i catch myself looking at the photos i was supposed to use for his birthday scrapbook, or watching videos of him just to hear his voice again, i would even be hugging his clothes without thinking, everything i have reminds me of him because i did everything with him, he’s my twin flame and if only he knew that i wasn’t trying to ruin our relationship on purpose, i just wanted him to talk to me, he always made sure i was okay that i didn’t think of what he was probally feeling, he missed the old us, when we didn’t argue all the time, if i got the chance to get back together with him i think i would, i would try a million times with him until we got it right, i’ve learned from my mistakes and i’ve made myself into a better person now all for him, if only he knew how much of an impact he has on me, even if he doesn’t think about me anymore i will always love him and he will always have a place in my heart no matter what. j i miss you and i’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t worth anything because you were and always will be worth more than anything to me, i hope we find our way back to eachother in the future my