Being pushed to my limits

[Toonice]

Hi,

I am hoping for some advice on my current living situation, which is pushing me to my limits and really affecting my mental health. So, almost a year ago I had an old work friend turn up at my doorstep early one morning because her house was about to flood. She had her stuff with her and I obviously let her in and then stay with us (my daughter and I). I let her stay in my daughter's room and my daughter slept in my room. She started getting payments from her insurance company for accommodation of $350 a week, and offered to give me half. I regrettably agreed to that and to this day she is still living with us in my daughter's room. I feel in the last 11 months I have gone to hell and back. Her living here has taken it's toll on my mental health. I was finally enjoying living alone with daughter after leaving an abusive relationship with her father. I am an introvert and like to have my own space. My friend is very needy and clingy. She had to come absolutely everywhere with us and do things at home with us too. This became too much for my introvert nature. I also cook dinner and breakfast for her and give her a lift to the shopping centre nearly every week day so she can get on a bus to go where she needs to go. I have been doing this for the whole 11 months and I am sick of it. 

Also, 5 months ago I stupidly let her reduce her payment to me down to $100 a week. I only agreed to it because she said it was for "a few weeks." She now refuses to pay me the normal amount due to her having to save for a new roof. This $100 she gives me covers the rent, bills and food. When I asked for $50 more she refused. Because of my personality and how opposite we are, we have clashed a few times. She is a very strange person and has a lot of quirks that drive me crazy. During the week I have to drop my daughter off at school and then go to work, which is stressful enough. Then she makes me run late because she is not ready, which causes me a lot of stress! I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts because I feel very sorry for her losing her house and most of her stuff in the floods. I feel like such a bad person, but I am feeling so stressed and depressed with her living here. I was happy to help out, but didn't realise it would go on so long. 

I'm hoping someone has advice for me

[Summer Rose]

Hi Toonice

You are an amazing friend and obviously someone with a very generous heart. I love that you agreed to help your friend, but now it’s time to put yourself and your daughter first.

I want to encourage you to give her reasonable notice and ask her to leave. It’s time.

Whatever notice period you set (maybe four weeks), stick to it. Talk openly in the house about her departure date and make it real.
This really isn’t negotiable, it’s your home. Your daughter deserves her room back. You deserve your space. You and your girl deserve your life back.
Nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve done what you could within your means and that’s plenty. It’s way more than many people would have done.

Kind thoughts to you

[Toonice]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you for your kind reply. Giving her a date to leave is definitely something I would like to do, I just hope I can work up the courage to actually do it! 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Toonice

You can do it! I know you can. Sometimes we build things up in our minds to be huge, but once we push through and do it, we realise it wasn’t so bad. Anxiety is a tricky beast.

I’m sure your friend will realise you need your space back and understand. It’s really not fair to your daughter or you.

Hopefully she’ll be grateful for the time she’s had and be happy to shift.

But if she says, “but it’s only going to be two more months”, if I were in your shoes I’d say, “so happy for you but we still need to make this change.”

Just think about the peace of mind. And be so proud of yourself when it’s done!

Kind thoughts to you

[Juliet_84]

Hi Toonice,

She is taking advantage of your kind nature. $100 barely covers anything at the moment let alone food, rent etc. She would be paying MUCH more anywhere else. But I wouldn’t get drawn into that side of things too much as the fact is you want her gone, if you bring up that it’s not financially viable she’ll give you an extra $50 and you’ll still be stuck with her. You need to tell her to leave, you can either do this by sitting down and saying that she has been here much longer than you intended and that you are giving her her notice that she needs to move out by X date. Or you can make up an excuse, such as your relative is coming to stay with you and there isn’t enough room (insert whatever excuse works for your situation) and she has to be out by X date and that you hope that the year of accommodation etc has helped her on her way. You have already done much more than most people would have. I understand that you don’t like conflict (not many people do) but it seems that she’s really exploiting that and taking advantage.

[Toonice]

Hi Juliet_84,

Thanks for your advice. I am still trying to work up the courage to ask her to leave. I do like your idea about telling her someone is coming to stay. I already asked her for more money but she just flat out refused. Let's hope I can do something soon!

[Petal22]

Hi Toonice,

You really do sound like an amazing kind friend to have taken this person in but you really don’t have to “people please”.

Take a stand and listen to your inner being if it doesn’t feel right then it isn’t.

Kindly let this person know that you would like them to move out.

 I think this has affected you enough and it’s time to move forward and stop being taking advantage of.

[Toonice]

Hi Petal22,

Thanks for your advice. It definitely doesn't feel right to me to have her here, and I just want my life back to the way it was. I am sick of feeling so stressed, anxious and down all the time. She doesn't have a car so she is nearly always at home on my days off, lying on the couch all day. It's hard to get my own space. I shouldn't have to spend all day in my bedroom. I do feel taken advantage of, especially with all I do for her and only getting the $100 a week. 

I am still trying to work up the courage to tell her to leave. Just trying to work out how to go about it.

[Fern42]

Hi Toonice,

it was very thoughtful of you to take her in when she needed it. However it is your home, which means that she should not be dictating to you like she is. I can understand how difficult it can be to gain the courage to have the difficult conversations, however it sounds like it's getting to the stage of really affecting your mental health. You can only give so much, what you have done has already gone above and beyond what you could expect from someone. Both you and your daughter deserve a pleasant living environment. I wish you all the best for this situation and the difficult conversations that will need to be had going forward.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Toonice

It’s no doubt going to be a potentially tricky conversation. All depends on how she reacts. But perhaps you could just be honest …

Been lovely having you here … happy to have been able to help you … but it’s time that I must ask you to make other living arrangements… my daughter really needs her room back … school is starting and she needs a  quiet place to study … she also needs her privacy and so do I … as much as it’s been great having you here it’s also been challenging at times … as you know I’m an introvert and I really need my alone time back … this situation is actually affecting my health and I can’t allow that to continue … I’m sure you can understand … I’m thinking x weeks before you need to make a change … how do you feel about that timeframe?

Pick a time that suits you. If you think she’s going to get angry or cry I’d be making sure you have an “out”— gotta go to work, gym or whatever so you don’t weaken and lose your resolve. For the same reasons you may want to do this when your daughter is not around or even outside the home, perhaps at a coffee shop.
Oh, and if you think there’s any chance she might threaten you or become violent, you could consider recording the conversation with your phone (I’m not sure if this is legal) but you never know if you might need it.

Just my thoughts.

Kind thoughts to you