Need help rationalizing

[RayOfLight]

Hi Team,

Need help rationalizing my response to an issue with my wife.

A few months ago, my wife was stressed at work and sought comfort from a colleague in another state.

In the month or so I became aware of it, the last 2 weeks before confronting the situation, my wife would be out of bed earlier and could hear messages going from 6am.

This would persist late into every night and would often wake up at 1am to find my wife in the lounge, phone pinging while she did her resin work.

Over the next 3 weeks, it got to the stage my wife would abruptly end our chats to respond to messages, going so far as for my wife to interrupt our dinner chat to start speaking about the colleague.

I noticed my wife starting to leave the room I was in with a smile on her face, going to another room to continue the conversation. While working from home, the phone was always face down now or the phone being put away when I got close.

I tried to organize some "us" time, however even when out to dinner, the messaging didn't stop.

It all reached a head when I lost my cool and blurted out "how long until you're sending nudes", to which my wife became very defensive.

Pointing out the weeks prior and asked how she would react in the same situation, my wife defended here actions and said she would be fine if the roles were reversed. My wife is a very jealous person and know this would not be the case.

I opened my wife's WhatsApp to ask her times of messages to highlight how neglected I felt.

I know the conversations were continuing after the incident and reached a point I would sink when I would hear her phone ping.

I hate myself for checking later, but opened her phone and WhatsApp now had a password.

I don't believe there was any intent at this stage, but could see an emotional relationship starting between them, as my wife was openly talking about some of the topics without listening to what she was saying.

In all I felt my wife needed someone else to talk to, though at my expense as I couldn't get any interest at all and felt like I had lost my value.

A few months later on my Birthday, she left for the morning to spend with friends and was assuming she would be back around 5pm to have a birthday dinnerwith me.

Instead I got a message saying she was too worried about driving home in peak hour.

She arrived home around 11pm, kissed me then went and sat in the lounge.

I know it's me, however only feel wanted when no one else is giving her attention. I try giving all I can, but I don't feel it's enough.

[RayOfLight]

For a bit more context, my wife was forced to raise her siblings (5) due to parental neglect.

She has never really had a social life or experienced more to life than our relationship.

I'm difficult to be around as I analyze everything and everyone as a defensive mechanism I've used to predict bumpy roads. I know I'm a very broken individual, which brings a level of defensive behaviors.

I'm quite adept at ready through body language and often know the answer to her behavior at the point of issue, though it takes days or months for her to acknowledge it, if she does at all.

I want her to experience the happy moments and social aspects, however with me it seems impossible, as I am too worried about the unwanted attention it can bring.

Every time my wife gets the recognition or attention she deserves, I'm pushed aside and not even in the picture.

This is where I relive a life of rejection and hiding from everything, feeling I should accept being ignored while she has her time.

In the instance of the text messages it was weeks, even a week after confronting the issue.

I know I'm in the wrong and want help understanding how I can let it go.