Advice on how stay strong during separation while living together

[Needstrength]

Hello all

i I have recently realised that my husband has been emotionally abusing me and controlling me for a very long time. I am not allowed to go anywhere without him knowing how long I will be, who I am meeting, how much it will cost etc. the more I think back over the last 30 years the more incidents and examples I remember. 

i have tried to talk to him but he jumps straight down my throat if I try to tackle and talk to him, over the last few years I have told him I have had enough and we have separated for a few days but then he comes and worms his way back, balling his eyes out the last time.

Anyway, my question really (as I can see how this is going to play out), is how do I cope and stay strong when I tell him that I am done? It is going to be very difficult because he will refuse to move out so I know that we will end up living in the same house for months while I get everything sorted. How do I stay strong to make sure that I go through with it this time?

he had a period of regularly working away last year and I was so happy while he was away even my friends saw a big difference in me and I know I need to separate it’s just he has always been the dominant one.

thank you in advance for any advice

[therising]

Hi Needstrength

This is a powerful time in your life, waking up to your power and your abilities. I suppose the question could be 'How do I develop my power and abilities and what the heck are they?'.

'Waking up' or becoming more and more conscious is an incredibly powerful ability. In my own marriage of 22 years, it has only been in the last handful of years that I've woken up to a heck of a lot. I can imagine you've asked yourself the question, more than once, 'How did I miss that?' or 'How was I asleep to that for so many years?'. I find waking up tends to have a bit of a snowball effect. We can wake up to one thing which leads us to wake up to another then another then another. I smile when I say the revelations resemble the dinging on a pinball machine. One after the other it's like 'Ding...ding...ding, ding, ding' and on it goes. What were once deep depressing alarm bells can become inspiring revelations, with a higher pitch and feel to them.

Not sure it it will be of help to know but I found a part of me that is possibly the most upstanding part of who I am is the intolerant part of me. I've found the more it's exercised, the stronger it gets. On the other hand, the more it's suppressed, the weaker or disempowered it remains. While your husband may ask you 'Where are you going?', the intolerant part of you may say (through inner dialogue) 'Why do you tolerate having to explain your every move?'. While he may say in a dictator type fashion 'What time will you be home?', the intolerant part of you may say 'Do not tolerate having to make a cut off time when it comes to having fun. Give yourself the freedom to have fun without a solid deadline'. And while the reasonable part of you may help you offer him reasons for how you feel, why you think the way you do and what you believe in (amongst other things), the intolerant part of you may insist 'How dare he dismiss your reasons just because they don't suit him. They are your reasons and they are valid'. It may also insist 'It's a complete waste of time reasoning with an unreasonable person. Don't waste your breath'.

I smile when I say I thought I'd hit on a major revelation at one point, until I found out the following is a practice my daughter had already been employing for a number of years. I wish she'd let me in on it earlier 😁. When I said to her something along the lines of 'I worked out I can channel the intolerant part of me to life if I work up a bit of constructive anger. It naturally comes to life through anger', she said 'Yeah, I do that'. What?! If you're familiar with that energy in motion within your body or that e-motion that you can feel moving through you, you'll know how powerful anger can be at times. As opposed to destructive anger, constructive anger can help establish healthy and solid boundaries, higher levels of self esteem, confidence and self trust and a host of other things. I should add that if tapping into the intolerant part of yourself is going to lead to dangerous confrontation from your husband, home is not a safe place for you to be.