Narcissistic victim seeking help

Lennox · ‎06-04-2016

Researching NPD about 2 years ago I came across this website and a description of narcissistic victim syndrome. It was a revelation. It described my husbands behavior and the effect it has had on my me and our children as if written about us. I am (or was) an intelligent woman, naturally caring and empathetic. I have been married for 20 years to a damaged man who demonstrates all the signs of NPD. He came from a broken home and has no real relationships with his family. He left school at 15 and had been very successful in creating his own business but hides major insecurity. He is obsessed with power, fame, control, success, recognition etc and has no interest at all in anyone else. Our first child was born with major developmental problems and I gave up my legal career to become her full time carer. She died aged 8, 10 years ago. We have 2 other girls now 13 & 15. When she died he was devastated but had spent the last weeks of her life out telling everyone she was dying whereas I was at home alone nursing her. He is very generous financially and we have a very comfortable life but I feel so lonely and am in effect a sole parent. I have told him many time that we are scared of him but he just tells me I'm speaking nonsense. Both children are scared of his anger and rages and feel he has no interest in their lives. The dog won't go near him! He genuinely thinks he is the worlds best dad. We have no real family friends as he has burnt everyone he comes across. His staff are scared of him and he treats them badly. I am constantly walking on eggshells afraid to say the wrong thing and made to feel everything is my fault. He has dramatic rages and says horrible things then is all sweet and acts as if it never happened. It is always his way or the highway. He resents my intelligence and tries to crush me.He has succeeded in making me feel worthless. I was diagnosed with brain cancer last year and had surgery to remove a tumour and have to be monitored regularly. I dealt with this with little complaint and tried to get on with everything within a week. He was genuinely upset about the diagnosis but seems to enjoy telling everyone for the drama and attention he receives, whereas I feel it is a very private thing. My family all live interstate. My father died in January which devastated me. My mother is unwell and no support. I need to find the courage to leave but want to protect the children. I don't know where to start. Any help would be appreciated. 💐

pipsy · ‎06-04-2016

Dear Lennox. Lynda is my name. You are in a very dicey situation here. The main problem, which you said yourself, your hubby genuinely believes he's doing his best as a husband and father. Anyone who knows you will find your life hard to believe because narc's usually do their best to make it look as though they only have their families best interests at heart. Perhaps a trip to c'link to see about any help they could give you with regards to finances. Do you have anywhere to go? It must have been dreadful for you to lose a daughter so young at age. My sincere condolences to you at that loss. Telling everyone she had passed, before she died, would've gained him a lot of sympathy as losing a child is devastating. It's highly possible he may have said you were unable to be of support because you were grief stricken too. You mentioned your remaining children are scared of the rages, has he shown violence? I suggest your first port of call should be c'link to see exactly how they can assist you. With you recovering from surgery, plus needing constant monitoring, your Dr may also be able to help you. I suggest a visit to your Dr to let him know what's happening. He may prescribe mild sedation to help settle you till you've done what you need to.

Take it one step at a time. Best wishes Lynda.

Starwolf · ‎06-04-2016

Hi Lennox,

Welcome to the forums. Sorry you've been doing it tough for so long. My heart goes out to you as I know how soul destroying life with a narcissistic person is. My mother was one of those, so were a couple of partners (yes, I was unconsciously repeating the only pattern I knew).

The heartbreak of losing a child is beyond words. Moving on regardless of negative circumstances at home shows your courage and resilience.

I am well aware of the difficulties involved in withdrawing from a toxic environment. The last part of your post shows your awareness that there's only one possible alternative to this living hell. Regaining control of your life will actually protect your children in the long run. They're at an age where they can understand that something must change, for everyone's sake. Your husband is not going to...Narcissistic people are addicted to control over others. Both girls are certainly feeling the stress of living in a tense environment, no matter how much you try to shelter them. Children are very perceptive. Perhaps you need to sit them down and have a talk, encourage them to vent their feelings. The rest of the family (even the dog) has been alienated by your husband's behaviour. Is it fair to continue imposing it on yourself and your girls?

I feel you all deserve way better than this. Of course the logistics of leaving will be challenging but freedom and peace of mind are priceless. It will be worth it in the end.

You are strong, brave, articulate and yes, intelligent. This you remains unchanged, even if your self-confidence has been eroded. After years of being told we are hopeless , we end up believing it too. It is the illusion bullies must create to make themselves feel superior. You are the strong one in this relationship. Strong men have no need to control by fear. You have already taken a first brave step by joining these forums for help and support. Well done ! Don't forget to give yourself credit for every small step forward. Every small victory helps boost self-confidence and add up to significant achievements.

Only you can make decisions and follow through but we'll be here for you when needed to understand, support, comfort and cheer you on.

My best wishes are with you.

JLR25 · ‎27-03-2017

Hi Lennox.

I, like yourself, had a revelation when I discovered my sister has NPD. She doesn't live with me, but causes daily grief upon my parents as none of them know about her personality disorder.

I'd like to know if you have managed to find any group therapy sessions for Narcissistic Abuse sufferers? I'm in Melbourne, and think this is the best introduction my parents need to understand on how to engage with my sister better (as they refuse to seek professional help individually).

Take care and be well.

J

lizzie50 · ‎27-03-2017

Hi Lennox,

Firstly, I am so sorry for the lose of your child that must of been very hard. I previously dated a narcissist, I am still struggling and in the process of grieving and healing. I am only 22 so thankfully it didnt get too serious, as he was terrified of commitment and the whole feeling of love and relationships. It only took me till after it ended a few months ago to look back and realise he was a narcissist/psychopath. Thinking of all of the emotional and mental abuse i endured is horrifying, I didnt realise how damaging it was till now. I never put myself first, i was always walking on egg shells wondering when the next argument would be, what lie, story or excuse he would create this time. He has several mental health issues and effects of smoking weed for years that he refuses to acknowledge which never helped anything. It was horrible the stories and lies he created about me, but scary that he convinced himself of them in his mind. I have been called every name under the sun, its cause my depression, anxiety to get worse and recently been diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. I told him im the best person he will have and hell regret this one day and he laughed and said his not stupid there is so much better out there and he no longer gives a crap about me.

He blocked me off everything, ended things out of the blue after he said i love you. He still to this day doesnt think he has done anything wrong to me, he was 'lovely and caring' to me. He laughed when i told him it was emotionally abuse and that im just a sook. Its hard, i understand how traumatising and soul destroying the abuse is. I feel worthless and all those feelings, i was suicidal and he told me to 'pull my head in'.
For me, i still love him. i dont want him back just want him to realise what his done and feel bad but unfortunately people like this dont realise.

My suggestion, seek help, talk to close friends about this. He isnt going to change and Ive learnt calling them out on their issues and mistakes makes the abuse so much worse. Putting yourself and your children first is important, speaking to a GP may be a good first step.

Hope you realise your self worth and courage x

Katey9908 · ‎29-01-2019

Know this a late reply and hope my advice is still helpful - be careful divorcing a narcissist - just google that or divorcing a sociopath (especially with children). I am abused and traumatised every day through manipulation of our 4 year old by my ex. If you leave - you have to be cunning (which you probably won't be because you are a nice person). For example, the ex-wife of he narcissist I separated from collected enough evidence, and then bribed him with it. She initially negotiated a very lucrative arrangement and then benefited more when I separated from him and tried to seek protection from DV - he had the perfect character witness willing to say anything for a $.