Narcissistic Personality Disorder .... what do i do?

sarahboo · ‎16-09-2016

Im new here so please be nice 🙂

I think my partner has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We have been together for 3 years and got engaged last Christmas. I thought i could finally feel secure in our relationship. But he goes through these bouts of "freaking out". All of a sudden hes not happy, nothing will ever truly make him happy, and he starts to question everything. He shuts down, refuses to talk to me, pushes me away and makes me feel worthless. Usually during these episodes he breaks up with me and a few days later we get back together as if nothing has happened. But this time its different, we're engaged, things have changed.... we are meant to be moving in together in a few months (with my son, not his father) and i don't know if i can keep putting myself and my son through this.
I don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone who might have NPD? can it work? is there any hope of getting through all this with the man i love?
My self esteem is at an all time low, I've lost my sense of self in this relationship. I try to explain to him how I'm feeling and how what he does affects me and my son and he just gets defensive and nasty.
I love this man, I have fought so hard for this relationship, we have planned a future, we've made so much progress.... but was it all a lie? is it all fake? was it doomed from the very start?

I don't know what to do.
Have you loved someone with NPD and its worked out?
Any help would be very much appreciated.

-Thank you.

sureal · ‎30-03-2017

From everything I have read, there is no cure for NPD. People with NPD only ever see themselves as the most important person. Sorry if this upsets you but I am not going to beat around the bush. Your, and your son's happiness are at stake here.

james1 · ‎30-03-2017

Hi sureal,

It sounds like you may have had experience with someone that has NPD. It can be very hard dealing with someone who struggles with NPD because you're both coming from two often very difficult mindsets. But just with any mental illness, self-awareness is possible and is the core pillar behind re-learning interpersonal relationships.

As someone with BPD, this is something I'm discovering now and while I agree that if the NPD symptoms continue to persist it can be very difficult, I also think it can be resolved.

Hi JLR25,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation your parents are in. You probably know this already, but it is probably best to avoid using the term NPD around your sister or even parents because it is quite a vague term which is so loaded with interpretation. The label as a personality disorder is really just a way for mental health professionals to categorise patients, and they don't even use it to describe the actual symptoms which can vary wildly from person to person.

I don't know of any specific services, but your GP might be a good first step. They are the usually the first point of call for general mental health issues as well, so they'd have a good understanding of what services are available. It's also good because being a carer can often be very mentally challenging so the GP could also help support your parents in this respect too.

I hope the search goes well, and if you ever need support dealing with your sister's behaviour, we're always here for you.

James

CMF · ‎30-03-2017

I read something on another thread re NPD and it questioned whether it is actually a disorder or are we just labelling nasty personality traits. Are we giving it a label to justify their heir behaviour. I have recently read a chapter, from a book, that discuss s toxic people and breaks down different types of toxicity. Some types of the toxic behaviour comes from deep rooted issues which cause a person to feel they need to prove themselves, that if they make a mistake they're a failure, from needing approval to feel valued. It was very interesting and makes me question whether npd is a disorder or has upbringing caused these type of people to be this way. People that behave the s way are nasty, degrading and abusive.Sometimes therapy won't work because they fail to see the problem with their behaviour, other times a lot of therapy is needed to find the cause of this behaviour. Sometimes people just have nasty tendencies due to past issues but I hey don't see themselves as nasty they believe their actions are justified and it's never their fault. I think this starts from childhood issues and upbringing.

lizzie50 · ‎31-03-2017

I've recently been broken up with someone who from my personal experience with him and speaking with my counsellor believe he is a narcissist. I know that its hard to diagnose someone without them speaking up and noticing something off in their behaviour and the way their mind works. Especially since narcissist dont notice something wrong in their behaviour and actions.

My ex we always went in circles, we'd have 3-4 months where it was amazing no fighting and everything lovely. Then when things got serious he would freak out and send an abusive text message, creating a baffling excuse on why he didnt want anything to do with me. The nasty words were horrendous and destroyed my self-confidence/esteem, it manipulated my mind to start believing all these words. He made up lies and stories about things about myself that never ever happened, they i cheated and lied about everything i told him and its scary that he sits there and believes these lies/stories. Anytime i confronted him about anything or stood up for myself it made him worse and nastier. I do agree that it stems from childhood, he had a hard upbringing with his dad leaving when he was young, his mum being very ill and him being a father figure to his younger brother. Suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD also however the scary thing is he believes its just 'gone' and his in a 'amazing mindset'.

He ended things after saying 'i love you' for the firs time to my face, then randomly blocking me that night. The emotional abuse that followed when i tried to reach out to him was destructive and made my anxiety and depression so much worse. I know all the nasty words and lies he has made up, saying i meant nothing to him is all lies and not the truth. Its just scary and sad to see the person you love treat you like nothing. I believe he refuses to acknowledge his own personal issues, fears and insecurities as he doesnt want to seen as weak or something. He doesnt think he has done a single thing wrong to me, he says im just a sook and over react. I told him he emotional abused me, broke me and i told him about my darkest thoughts and he ignored me and told me to ' get over it, i haven't done anything wrong i was too good to you' Its scary.

Him leaving me was a blessing in disguise, Im still healing and have bad days. I just know in my heart and mind its him not me, I am none of the words and lies he created about me. Its his issues, fears and insecurities he took out on me. Hope you're well x

CMF · ‎31-03-2017

Hi lizzie50,

I am sorry for your heartbreak but glad you out of a toxic relationship that would have only caused you further pain. After being accused of cheating i was suddenly the best thing that ever happened to him,, he had never felt that way about anyone etc. It's easy for a commitment phobic to say these things after getting out of the commitment, never a word of affection before that. The more I read the more i am convinced it is upbringing and feeling of being unworthy or not good enough. As much as they are toxic people to be around, i do feel sadness that they have this need to prove themselves and are so insecure, even though they project an image of being so tough.

I hope you find peace and happiness in your life. You so deserve it.

cmf x