Narcissist father damaged my new house before I even moved in

G1231 · ‎19-07-2021

I've had problems with him my entire life. He has a cycle of we don't talk because he has done something to hurt me, then he acts all nice to draw me back in, and then he does something else to stab me in the back or he uses verbal abuse to ruin my day or week. He ruined the last Christmas and ghosts me every time my birthday comes around just to get out of doing anything like going to dinner or ever giving me a gift, but he demands I buy him bourbon. I bought him some drinks for his last birthday and because it wasn't a slab of beer like I got my mum, he went off his head and verbally abused me in the car when I was out for a day trip with him and my mum.

I just got my own place and even trying to move my stuff in, he has to control every little thing about moving. He tries to make me walk backwards and I told him no, we both walk sideways to make it easier, he gets angry over that. I asked him to help me lift the TV unit over half a meter and he started yelling at me (mind you all the neighbours can hear) to take the TV off the unit then move it. I yelled back "I said no, we don't need to" and he puts the unit down, raises his fist and threatens to punch my new flatscreen TV, and then walks out to my back door and slams it twice the hardest I have heard anyone slam a back door. It reverberated all around the house, and I was horrified that he would do that to my new property. I checked the door for damage and as it previously clicked into place on the day I got the keys, now you have to pull noticeably hard to shut it. There are no cracks in the plaster or door frame but my heart is already broken.

I tried explaining to my enabling mother that this is meant to be a time of celebration and the best in my life, and he finds a way to ruin everything again. She caught me checking the door again for damage today and told me "its not damaged, stop looking" even though I have explained this to her time and again, and there is physical proof because it doesn't shut properly, she flat out denies it and says that I am basically making it up, trying to make a liar out of me. I had to use my car to move stuff as he refuses to help out and I got a scratch on my upholstery because I have to move stuff in my car now.

If anyone has any carpentry knowledge and can reassure me, please do. I have bad anxiety and now I am scared that there is some internal damage that I can't see and is going to ruin my house, and I'm not even moved in yet. I can't even enjoy it now 😞

smallwolf · ‎19-07-2021

Hello.

I do not have any carpentry knowledge. If you want expert help you could find a home hubby or related business who would be able to check out the problem. Part of any housing related issues may also depend on the builder(s) and material used etc.

On dealing with narcissistic parent(s) - there are people in my life that can be hard to deal with and what this is what was suggested to me... negative words and actions hurdle aimed at you are really projections of how they feel about themselves or a result of their problematic personality. Trying to change then can be extremely difficult and accepting who they are will reduce your anxiety.

Juliet_84 · ‎19-07-2021

Aww G1231, don’t let them ruin this for you, it is your new place and you are going to make it your own and have your own space, freedom etc. You needed him to help you move in but I’d now distance yourself from him for a few weeks, you’ve earned it 😂 I’m not sure who’s most hurtful, your father who behaves in this way, or your mother who stands idly by and defends him. I used to feel the same way about my parents, except it was my mother who was the tyrant and my father who was the beaten down side kick. In the end I expected it from her, but he knew better so most of my issues ended up being more towards him I think for not standing up for me. He’s your father and the sad reality is that he is unlikely to change at this late stage, he will always be angry and unreasonable. But you need to find a way to distance yourself internally so that he doesn’t affect you as much. Physical distance helps to promote a bit of emotional distance, as you get older power dynamics also shift and you are not so reliant on your parents. Or maybe don’t invite him to things that are very important to you. It’s a shame but you need to protect yourself from people like this

geoff · ‎20-07-2021

Hello G1231, welcome and thanks for your comment.

As you have told us a 'Narcissist father' and a mother who does nothing to help you, whether she's frightened of her husband we don't know, but if she won't support you, then this could be the situation, but you don't want to have to cope with people like this, all they have done is cause much hardship for you.

To fix your door, do you have a hammer and can you find a piece of timber, that has been cut and planed on all sides, difficult to explain but I'll try, then place the timber on the architrave next to the lock or where the door locks into the latch, then use the hammer to hit the block of wood on the architrave, then give it a hit, try your door and if not fixed then try again, see if that helps

If you don't want your parents to come to your house, then don't give them a spare key.

Let me know how the door is or ask any questions you want.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Harpbird · ‎20-07-2021

I am not in your shoes but is there anyone else who sees him doing this to you? Maybe they can pull him aside and warn him.
I had a dad who was an alcoholic, but being so drunk all the time he never remembered doing that stuff to us , but sobre he was a good dad.
I have a friend who’s 21 year old son sounds exactly the same , though he does this to his mum. Every one in her house walks on eggs she’ll around him wait for him to go off next. On the weekend he got right in his mums face a verbally abused her she was scared and crying, but this time the 22 year old son just calmly walk up to him and said “ if you ever do that to mum again I will report you to the police. It is abuse and it’s reportable. Then that other son after a while actually can out of his room and said sorry, never ever said that before. No one she live like this. Be strong .

G1231 · ‎20-07-2021

@ Smallwolf - Thank you. I do understand what you are saying and I believe his issues are rooted in a personality disorder that runs deep in his family, I have nothing to do with his side and never will. Lots of bad blood there that I don't want anything to do with. He's an intensely jealous person.

G1231 · ‎20-07-2021

@Juliet_84 - Thank you. I intend on putting distance between us and I hope he doesn't show up at mine again unless I've asked him too. I've really had enough this time and I need my space, for a long time.

G1231 · ‎20-07-2021

@Geoff - Thanks Geoff, I appreciate the advice. I looked the door over and its looking quite good; checked all of the plaster and bricks, skirting and joints and it all looks micky mouse still. I have an anxiety issue and I've looked over the walls and doorframe about a dozen times now, I keep getting intrusive thoughts of the walls cracking and the roof plaster boards sinking in and my house being ruined. I know it sounds extreme but my entire experience has been ruined. I used up all of my annual leave to move and now I have none left, and I feel most of it has been wasted just being miserable the last week and a half. I bought two slabs of beer to reward myself for all my saving, hard work, perseverance and suffering for the last dozen years and it felt like I was drinking out of depression each night, which feels like I just wasted my money. I don't drink to drink, I drink rarely and its to be sociable and celebrate things. Every night was an argument as I've told my mother if he comes around to damage my house again I will call the police on him. Just an entirely wasted opportunity for us to celebrate and be happy, all ruined by one selfish man's envy and arrogance.

Sorry to rattle on about it but I feel violated in a way. Not just slamming my new door but also just the verbal and emotional abuse. He has a ute he could have used to help me move everything and instead I've done about 15 trips in my sedan trying to haul all my gear and he just sat at home on his phone next to the wood fire while I tried to get it all in.

I'm currently just sitting in the dark with my PC, an Up n Go box and a cup of coffee and I am happy. I have peace, I have quiet, I feel safe and I can just sit here and read articles on the internet, read some philosophy and just enjoy a peaceful environment. I want to get some picture hooks put up so I can put some photos of planets, spaceships and sci fi vehicles just for some inspiration. I know it sounds silly but those kind of images lift my spirits and help me get out of bed each day.

G1231 · ‎20-07-2021

@Harpbird - Hi Harpbird thank you for your advice. I've told my old girl that if he shows up trying to damage my property again I will call the police on him, to which she got angry and said she is hanging up, so I just hung up first. I told him many times last night do not ever ring me up and complain that I am being unreasonable to him and he has done nothing wrong, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm sticking to it.