My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Guest_7403]

Glad to hear he's in a better headspace and forward planning for the future.

Nothing is a rush in corrections, so yes things do take time.

The jails, particularly remand are under immense pressure for beds due to covid housing issues allowing only one in a cell for 14 days on reception, which means they're pushing remandee's out to sentenced jails to house them...which in turn pressures those jails....so paroles are definitely one way corrections is reducing the pressures....so it may very well work in his favour.

Think it's pretty normal for you to feel anxious, try not to let it ruin what could be a lovely fresh start for you and your son.

For your son and your own knowledge, instituionalism is very much real, expect him to with draw to his bedroom (cell is safe space), expect him to notice if you're looking at/studying him....they sense that from the officers.

He will be on edge, there is a heightened level of stress/preparedness for danger and problems in prisons, this wont go away just because he walks out the door....it will take time to adjust to the fact that not everyone is a threat.

Simple things like meals might trigger him, if dinner is late etc....prisons run like clock work....they get used to lunch and dinner being there at X time on the dot. Things are done in set ways, and when those ways are changed suddenly its very unsettling for them.

Doors shutting loudly can trigger them.....a cell door shutting is very loud and reverberating etc.

Things like that may seem insignificant to people who haven't experienced jail life, but are quite confronting to them.

Hope all goes well. Take care (borderline)

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

Lovely to hear from you.

Thats wonderful that your son will hopefully be released soon.

I think Its normal to feel a bit anxious …

When your son is released he may also be anxious due to everything around him being different again.

Yes, try to move forward with him and be positive try not to go back to bringing up past mistakes….. he’s done his time.

A good routine will help 😊

I wish you all the best

[Nameless1]

Hi borderline

That is really really helpful to know all that.

My son did comment that being in the area he is now with a much smaller group of people has made a difference … less noise do sleeps better , different accomodation and doing more normal jobs, having more responsibility and planning is required like their own cooking and the freedom of a bigger area they are locked into but can move around in. He likes the guys he is and they get on well. I think that is why he sounded more relaxed and was freer to talk.
I have read up as much as I can about parole but unsure of how much contact and guidances we get as parents with the parole officer or whether it is just solely with the parolee. I guess the conditions that the board add will determine many things .

So what routines he had in prison do I still follow or help with.? Eg getting himto appointments etc. Do I leave him to do all his own meals/ cleanup or ease into it . At the moment a group of them plan and prepare all their own meals s together which they enjoy but at home it will just be my husband and I . Or do we do meals together .. I guess there is a lot to talk about with him . I don’t want to take away his independence but we haven’t been in his life for more than a year now so all have to adjust .

Thanks again got your help!!
nameless 1

[Nameless1]

Thanks petal 22

I will remember that!!

nameless 1

[Guest_7403]

I would just encourage him to follow the good routines that come with prison life, early bed time, regular walk (cutting laps he would call it), training.

If he wants to prepare you guys a meal, encourage that and let him take ownership of those things.

I think he will do fine, seems to have a good support base.

I did note a prisoner came in the other day for parole cancelled, was out for 20 days before it was revoked. He now serves the full remaining 18 months of his sentence....so just a heads up if granted parole, don't let him take it for granted and breach it....they will revoke it.

Take care friend.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

So what did the person do that had their parole revoked may I ask? That would have been very upsetting for the family .
How much do you say if they aren’t following the good routines. Or do we sit and discuss it when he first gets home. Or is that too intense. I k is there are booklets you can work through as a family and a counsellor but not sure if they work or it or just keep it low key small step at a time. It’s easy to sound like I’m nagging too and I don’t be to be doing that. Encouraging can sometimes be seen as judgement

Also with more possessions and clothes to be tidy or kept washed that will be different too I guess. We hope it’s just not too overwhelming as others said can be the case . We had to clean out his room completely after the search so that is nice and tidy but we B presumed he should clean and wash as he was doing g that till things went down hill.
His work area in the garage was a mess and we haven’t touched his tools etc as he didn’t like us doing that . We cleaned up what he left around and cleaned out his car as it had to be. We didn’t know whether he would prefer tidying up his part of the garage and sorting stuff or whether we should have.
He also has never asked about anything to do with his car he drives and another he was rebuilding. We didn’t know whether it was too hard to bring up so we never mentioned his things either .

He will have a lot of catching up to do with what has been happening at home and family as he avoided hearing about that too. I guess we wait till he asks?
I hope the parole officer suggests things to help him too!

Any tips for him going eg shopping and how he might react getting back into activities etc.. I have read some things on VACRO website snd he is going a programme, but they never mentioned what you did in your post.

Sorry for all the questions but your answers are good and helpful.

I hope things are well with you

nameless1

[Guest_7403]

It was slim on notes, but something to do with failure to meet case officer/provide urinalysis......so in a nutshell straight back on the drugs and didn't meet case manager.

Prison teaches young blokes to clean their own clothes, clean up after themselves and make their beds etc....its a hierarchy thing....the unit enforces or "heavies" like it clean and tidy.....they "encourage" them to live clean and tidy.....so you might find he does those things without prompt at home.

I would assume he thinks alot about his cars, and family in there....but probably too hard to bring it up...or embarrassed about what they think.....hopefully he has positive plans to move forward with those projects and rebuild those connections with family.

There was also a guy patrolled in 2004 who was returned to prison last week for breaching it....I don't know why....but it shows that parole can go a long time and still be enforced.

I suffer terrible PTSD from the job, lots of violence and trauma....it cost me my family and home and every day is a struggle for me.

But I entered the job because I wanted to help my community and others, I still feel if I can make some difference in theirs or others lives associated with them that perhaps it will all be worth it in the end. Time will tell....stay strong and keep reaching out if you need.

[Guest_7403]

Sorry missed the shops and activities part.

Shops may be a challenge, lots of people around, lots of noise....he will be anxious about people being close to him, people walking behind him....I think that's natural....I am the same....as we are taught to walk in the opposite direction in the yards so they are not behind us etc.

They are encouraged to do activities together in the jail, sports, games, work....all group activities....hopefully that translates to him continuing that on the outside

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline,

Thanks for answering my questions .
We spoke to a parole officer today and she interviewed us regarding the parole and accomodation …all via zoom . She is just filling in till the local person is available as the system is overloaded.

It might be a never 2 months but we are hoping he seems in a better head space he might start asking about things like his cars etc but usually leave it up to him to bring it up . Should we start asking a few questions ? we didn’t want scare him off ringing now he is ringing more.
Regarding shopping .. So should I suggest I shop with him to start with him or just encourage him to go at a time when he can take his time and less busy like evenings ?

yes I noticed that about working in a group .. he says he likes cooking together with the others and they put in money together to buy stuff. He likes working with another guy and enjoys teaching other prisoner skills. He actually is happy with the work and will miss it . He was glad he wasn’t moved so he could keep his job. He was doing a course too but Covid stopped that for a while as I believe the teachers couldn’t come in?

He misses the internet but good he has had a break I reckon. A new appreciation of things he took for granted .
I noticed his comments about tidying and not having much stuff around was good.
Once he was moved to the sentenced area he noticed the difference in how people cleaned up the communal areas better and more respect for these areas than in remand where, as he became clearer, he started to be the one to clean up . He used to be good at that at home before his decline when he stopped caring .
I’m sorry you have PTSD. It sounds like you are good at your job and have helped many prisoners and families From what I have read in your past posts you have met many types of prisoners and I’m sure your attitude has made a difference. That’s reassuring.

How do you deal with your own PTSD? My son has that but never dealt with it properly or learnt to live with it and the bitterness and pain dragged him down. As you said in a post once, you have PTSD but you never let it lead you to crime. We took him for psychological treatment but he didn’t respond well to start with as he felt betrayed . He was just beginning to improve and see the need to make changes and start the changes when he was arrested.

Thanks for your time in responding. As more is starting to happen I guess I need to know a few more things

nameless1.

[Guest_7403]

We always encourage communication for them, and to speak about future plans...keeps the mind forward thinking and helps them not to ruminate.

Perhaps you could ask him if he wants some photos sent in of his cars, family etc. Some families will send magazines in for them (maybe car modification ones etc)....gets the mind thinking etc

Not having a CCO isn't necessarily a bad thing, most prisoners do not want them as it sets them up for failure if they breach it. Most would rather do the extra time so that they can be released with nothing hanging over their heads....straight release it's called.

Jail effects everyone different, large crowds and shops might not bother him...I'm sure you'll be able to read his body language or tell if hes avoiding certain places/situations.

PTSD is quite debilitating, it's something I struggle greatly with....it's physical as much as it is mental and when those triggers occur it is very hard to rationalise what is happening in the moment....which is why he turns to drugs....it's a coping mechanism but not a healthy one.

I find when I am at my healthiest I am maintaining a good routine, no alcohol, exercise, work, hobbies etc. When something breaks that chain of routine the train comes off the rails very quickly and alot of damage can be done in that short window while you correct yourself.

Personally I have not found psychologists to be helpful/make any difference, that's not to say they do not help or have effective techniques, just that for me personally they have made no difference, and on occasions I feel my health deteriorates when seeing them.

Everyone is different, but I feel the key is knowing your triggers, knowing the root cause of those triggers (where in the past do they come from), acknowledging those triggers and accepting they have occurred but do not control you and cannot hurt you now.

PTSD is such a complex illness and there is no one solution for an individual, its a blending of multiple therapies, medications and life experience for what works for you.

Take care