My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless 1,

I wish you and your family all the best for the court case…

I think it all comes down to your son, he needs to decide within himself if he wants to change and how he wants to do this…

if he stays in jail he needs to decide how he will better himself while in there and when he’s out of jail how he will better himself on the outside….. it’s him and him only that can really decide to live a better life for himself and those around him..

[Evie15]

Hello all,

I'm so sorry for the late reply. I totally forgot about this post amidst a very busy end of the university semester.

Thank you Leth for your reply and support. It has been a long couple of months, supporting my brother while still dealing with his case. It has been a long, waiting game with court cases being adjourned twice, a month apart. I forgot who wrote about this similar experience- but yes, it's a long, long waiting game. My brother seems like he is doing okay and better since I last replied. He has also been playing different sports and exercising in the gym daily. He has also been attending workshops and courses and has picked up a job in cleaning so he can earn extra cash to buy food and to talk to us. It's so nice to know that he is staying busy and looking after and focusing on bettering himself.

I've also made sure to send him emails through emailaprisoner.com. I recommend doing this for those who are also in the same boat as me. It's a great way to communicate and be able to send photos for him to keep and reply back to.

It's been hard because I haven't been able to visit him since before the recent lockdown in Vic. Is that the same as for your brother and son?

And as for myself, I'm doing a lot better. Things seem a little clearer, and I'm making sure to focus on exercising, reading, doing activities with my partner, working and aiming towards graduating at the end of this year. I'm hoping that he'll be able to come to my graduation. I do have my days, but when I do I make sure to acknowledge them, allow them to be there and to nurture myself as I would on days that i'm feeling good. Therapy has really helped me to deal with the process of it all.

Sending my love to you all, and praying that it all works out. And thank you all for the support. It has really made me feel a bit better about the situation- knowing that we are going through similar feelings and occurrences.

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15 and everyone

Wonderful replies!! Great to hear from everyone.

I also wrote about cases being adjourned a few times. With COVID it has put huge strain on the legal system and having to do everything via video links and calls has made talking with lawyers very hard and for the prisoner to keep up to date with what is going on. If you have read my posts since I joined in June, my son has been trying to do the same thing with gym and courses and work while he was waiting for court.
We too have emailed and though he doesn’t reply to those we know he knows we care. He finds it hard to talk to us by phone too, though has been ringing more as it got closer to the court case when he would find out if he had more time to serve or not. The lawyer hoped for a CCO and release and our son put his hopes on that , but the magistrate decided on a few more months and parole. Our son was disappointed as he wanted to come home now. We would like him home but we just wanted, that either way, he would get help for his issues whatever the conditions of his release, and that he was ready to make the changes and be committed to putting in the effort . I’m not sure which is better, but the lawyer said on parole there are things he will have to do to. I know either way our son will be challenged.
I’m not sure how many days are accrued as benefit days or emergency or something like that …days that take time off the sentence because of COVID? we were told about that and our son wasn’t sure. I’m hoping that he can get access to a few more transitional courses as well as keep doing his work and other course and gym.
I hope that his disappointment won’t make him stop doing those things that were helping. For us, the it if extra time will go quickly but for him probably slower. As you said Evie15, doing those other things gives them a sense of purpose and having achieved something in a day. . Much better than just sitting around.
COVID lockdowns over the last year and a bit have been hard for visiting
. Our lawyer tried to get us a link for the court case but one was se t so we didn’t even get to be there with him in court which we are very sad about.

We have found similar benefits with activities and exercising and counselling . This forum has been so valuable in encouraging me. Reading back over the posts from last few years has helped so much and don’t feel so alone in this anymore.

Do please keep posting Evie15 we can support one another.

Nameless 1

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15, Petal 22 Borderline, Leth,
Well I think the focus on all the events of this last week is taking its toll.
I’m irritable and grumpy and. not sleeping well. I was worried about son if he came home, and now I am worrried he is not for a little while yet as I don’t how he will deal with the change from remand to sentence and getting parole. I know what to say to myself to work through this as it is how I battled before, but the emotions are a little raw and it is easier to give in to them.
Made worse that my gym is closed due to lockdown . Though I can and do exercise at home I liked the trainer and her positivity towards the work I am putting in.
I usually garden and walk but it has been very wet here for most of the time. Can’t see my grandson due to lockdown so that lovely distraction is gone. I will doing some online work which will keep me busy with music and composing snd the kids are entertaining g … and we still have our counselling session. My husband and I have been a bit niggly with each other too which isn’t normal so we did discuss that today. We are not going to do all the good work we have done to cope and get on with our life. Wonderfully though I have had heaps of calls from people I haven’t heard from for a while, and as long as they don’t prod past the general “ how is your son doing”I will be fine.
Most know about the PTSD and know not to ask too much about my sons issues apart from knowing he is struggling but getting help but living away from home, has some work and study and likes going to the gym. They don’t need yo know where he is doing all that. He doesn’t want us to say and we won’t. Only our counsellor and ministers from church and one very close friend of his does. COVID makes that easier and he is at the age that lots of young adults live out and don’t see family much.
Life can certainly be challenging!!
All we can do is let it make us stronger, and use it to have more understanding. and help others struggling.
I need to find out about his parole .. we will hear from the lawyer too..:but just needing a few days to deal with everything.
Lets hope he is of the same mentality and as you said Petal22 that he will start making the change so that he can better himself while inside ready for outside too.
Hoping all is well with you Evie 15

Any comments on anything about parole appreciated too Borderline .

Nameless 1

[Guest_7403]

Its okay to have down days and be cranky....its very tiring being mentally strong for others and is expected to be off at tines.

To be honest....most prisoners prefer sentenced jails over remand. They are more settled, fewer incidents and usually more things to do etc

Parole has a few factors considered, type of crime, risk of re-offending, bed availability across the state etc.

In terms of jail...he needs to complete programs recommended by the courts, stay incident free, attend work and build rapport with officers.

Officers have input into granting parole. I'm not saying he needs to be a goodie two shoes...we look for the basics....goes to his cell when directed, stands quietly for count, respectful in his communications with all staff.

Its really not that hard.

The best crooks are the ones we don't know...because if we don't know you Its because you're just doing your time and not causing issues so not on the radar.

Take care of yourself....keep up with your home exercise...each day moves closer to freedom

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless1,

I understand it must be difficult for you, really not knowing what is happening yet…… it is a tiring emotional journey…….. it really is……. One thing to remember is you can’t control what is happening….. you can just have faith that every thing will work out in time in the way it should…. Just try to relax yourself by doing something that you enjoy 😊 no gym use your exercise time outside that you have to get out for that restricted time….. keep busy even if it’s something in the house you can do…….

Sorry your self and your husband have been a bit niggly that’s understandable though there would be stress there…… just make sure you both look after each other 😊

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

Thanks for the suggestions and for you positive thoughts.
Thankyou

Nameless1

[Petal22]

❤️

[Petal22]

Just another thing I wanted to add……. I understand the worry and emotions I really do but try to use your energy more to believe rather than worry …… to believe that everything will work out and to know that you, your husband and son will get through this…….

That’s nice you have had calls and I totally respect and understand that you don’t want to tell everyone your situation……. That’s ok! You know the people you can trust and be supported from….. follow your gut we all know deep down what’s right for us ❤️

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

Worry and anxiety is very draining!!! In the early days we struggled so much. We do work on believing we will get through this. I agree that is much better than sitting and worrying. It makes things worse . We have at times become frozen with the fear of the outcome and it certainly paralyses you from doing anything or helping anyone else. Our minister encourages that too and we try . Some days just get hard but usually not on the same day so we can pull the other one out of it… good music helps too!!
we have not told people as well because sometimes for some it is too much of a burden for them to bear and for others they can become judgemental and hurtful in their comments… I heard that from others. I almost told a very good friend but when I started with mentioning mental health issues she suddenly turned it all back on me .. I went no further and decided not to tell anyone else

Thanks for helping us to see the positive. It is good to hear that today!!

Nameless1