My wife seems to resent me and I’m worried

[Bryant]

Hey everyone, sorry this is long and disorganised… I’m just not sure what to do

My wife and I are young (~24yrs) and have been married for 4 months. We have two young kids (1 & 2yrs).

The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult for me as my wife snaps at me for absolutely everything I do and say… I only have good intentions and am trying my hardest to do everything right. I just want to be a good husband and father and I love them all more than anything.

it’s even been so bad that in an argument she has told me she doesn’t want this anymore (told me the next day over the phone that it was just out of anger) and also said that she won’t apologise for it as I said hurtful things as well. (I told her she needed to try and think about things with more optimism and be more reasonable)

everything has been fine up until the birth of our second child.. since then I have slept in the spare room as she insists both of the kids sleep with her. (I go into them anytime she calls for me through the night or early mornings and help in any way she needs). We have very little intimacy and it’s only when she feels guilty and tells me she is only doing it because of guilt so even then it doesn’t happen because it’s not right. 

I am high up in my position at work and heavily relied upon. She works where the kids go daycare. 

I just don’t know how to tell if things will ever get better, I am constantly trying to better myself every day for them but she only thinks it’s me that needs to keep doing better and change. I feel defeated and lost and worry I will lose everything. Sometimes she is in a great mood and everything is fine but I might make our son a bottle of formula the wrong way or use the wrong toilet at the house or pick up something I shouldn’t have touched when tidying up and then she will just snap and stay in a horrible mood that can last from 12hrs to 3 days. I just can’t win with anything and I don’t know what to do. 

Just for context, it is loud screaming and some of the insults are “just use your brain, it’s not that hard to do things the right way” and “you’re so f&@king dumb” - it’s all dependant on her ways of doing things. 

Just to add: if the roles are reversed and I am struggling with the 2 kids, if I call out to her for help with something,  she will shout at me and tell me she’s busy or to just figure it out. Whereas anytime she asks for anything I will run to her aid. 

thanks for reading, it’s all over the place but hopefully understandable. 

[quirkywords]

Bryant

Thanks for writing your post which I understand very well .

Bringing up  two children close together is very difficult. 
I wonder if your wife  may have had post partum depression. The stress of two babies close together can cause mood changes .

I am not excusing her behaviour but maybe she needs help. 
I understand how difficult it must be with your wife and how she is behaving. Is there a time no matter how small when you can talk to her about how you are feeling honestly and calmly.

When are listening and you sre

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Bryant,

I am so sorry you are dealing with that situation. It is very hard.

 I just thought I’d echo Quirky and say postpartum depression can lead to strong alterations in mood. For some women hormones change significantly after giving birth and they are plunged into intense mood states. Some women also suffer from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder which also can involve strong mood states and instability. It may not be these things but it would be worth looking into just in case hormonal factors are involved. I’m not excusing the behaviour but there could be a physiological explanation.

I’m a 49 year old female in the latter stages of perimenopause. I had no idea how hard the hormonal effects of that would hit me. I was plunged into severe anxiety, distress and depression at a level I’d never experienced before. For some younger women it is after giving birth or a condition like PMDD that can have similar dramatic effects.

If you try to broach the subject it may help to do so when she seems most calm and open. The fact things were fine until the birth of your second child does sound like the possibility that something hormonal has been triggered. But it could also be that the challenge of two small children is affecting her. It sounds like it would be good for her to see a GP, perhaps one with some experience in post natal mood changes. There are hormone specialist doctors out there. I saw one in relation to my own symptoms.

Take care and I hope you can find a way forward soon and that some peace is restored for your family.

Eagle Ray 

[therising]

Hi Bryant

I feel for you so much as you face the stress of walking on eggshells around your wife, while also doing your best to be understanding, help around the house and work full time. As a first time challenge of this magnitude, I can imagine how overwhelming and exhausting this must feel.

As quirky mentions, while there is no excusing your wife's behaviour there could be reasons for it that need addressing. The reasons could lead you both to make sense of why things could be playing out the way they are. If the mental abuse (including name calling) is out of character for your wife, it's worth wondering about where that's coming from, if it's more than just and expression of frustration, a lack of respect and a lack of self control.

Depression can bring out the worst in people, aspects of themself that even they can find hard to live with. While people may imagine depression involves someone being down, sad and crying a lot, it can also have many other traits. Anger, an obsessive need for control, resentment, frustration, a depressing lack of energy, a depressing lack of feeling joy and satisfaction, a depressing level of self hatred and sense of worthlessness, a depressing inability to make connections with people (which creates a sense of separation) and a heightened sensitivity and intolerance in regard to just about anything that's triggering in one way or another can be just some of the other traits. This is a list based on my own personal experience. I gave birth to both my babies (now 19 and 22 years old) while in long term depression. The challenges of being a mum who was struggling significantly added to it. I imagine you can relate to what my husband was facing when our kids were little. It was an incredibly testing time in our marriage, for both of us. While I never imagined post natal depression group therapy would make any difference to me (after my 2nd child was born), it actually took me out of long term depression. My husband felt like he was living with a completely different person.

I believe there's a basic yet significant need when a couple faces mind altering life changing periods in their life together, which can include adding kids to the mix. The need for greater communication becomes a must. How to get through such a time together can involve open communication about thoughts, beliefs, emotions, struggles and further needs which can include productive resources. Whether those resources involve relationship guidance, mental health guidance and support, people who can relate based on personal experience or something else, facing uncharted territory can involve the need to find the occasional guide (through seemingly impossible terrain). I'm so glad you came here to express yourself while perhaps looking for a sense of direction. 'Twisting in the wind with no sense of direction' can be a deeply challenging and tormenting feeling, that's for sure. Would have to be one of my least favourite feelings.

[Kalm15]

You sound  like a good person who is trying very hard to meet all your responsibilities. I think your wife has post partum depression. I am a female and I know how female hormonal issues can really affect the psychological make up . We don't realise it but we are hurting who we love, but we get so overwhelmed and irritated. This may make your wife a bit annoyed and angry but I think you need to sit her down and say you understand that a woman can get post partum issues and having 2 children very close together could of resulted in this happening to her. Say you love her and your family more than life but your very worried that things are going to get worse and to please consider seeing a doctor about post partum depression. Be prepared for her to be angry and say you are wrong. Just keep calm and say you love her and your kids , you want the family life to get better, things are not happy but it's no one's fault. This will be a hard thing to do but it may be what your wife needs to get her mood balanced and as a result treat you better. I hope things improve for you and your wife.

[KindnessIsFree]

Hi Bryant.  I've read the other replies to date and my thoughts on this are if you approach your wife having self diagnosed her with post natal depression in her current state she probably won't receive this well and will most likely feel that now you are blaming her for all the problems.  She's not in the mind space to hear it and it will likely do more damage and breed further resentment by both parties.  There is probably nothing more women hate than being told by a man that her hormones are an issue. I'm saying this as someone who has been through ivf and menopause.  You are in a complex situation and reducing the issue down to one singular factor is most likely a gross oversimplification of what's really going on. A gentler  more neutral approach would be better.  Perhaps suggest marriage counselling so that the both of you can work at improving the marriage together as a team. This way the counsellor can assess and identify independently her needs in that space which may encourage her to seek further help without feeling attacked or blamed for anything.  It sounds like neither of your needs are being met so changes need to be made by both parties not just her.