Hi i dont know what i should

[Alvi]

Hi after years of emotional abuse in my marriage i have checked out mentally. I recently have made up my mind to divorce him. However recently he hired a mind coach to help him navigate work life balance. Now he is suddenly trying to improve by thinking he can just waltz in to my life by suddenly starting to do the affectionate stuff. The thing is i have been stuck in similar loop for so long of abuse then as soon as he realise i am leaving he will be good. I am worried its the same thing. TBH i cannot take this anymore. I am having mental breakdown , constantly crying and feeling extremely unsafe mentally. His mental coach reached out to me to get an idea of marriage to which he has a good idea. But the things he is making my husband do are making me feel unsafe and uncertain that the previous things will repeat. I have made a safety bubble for myself which he wants to get in for ex coming to my gym, wanting to sleep in same bed. Havent shared bed in past 2 yrs. The abuse had intensified in last 6 months and again coming to point that he wants to be nice which i think is again part of his manipulation.

[KindnessIsFree]

Hi Alvi. I can relate to parts of what you are going through.  I am struggling in my own marriage at the moment which may very well end in divorce.  We are going through the counselling process but with minimal effort from my spouse.  It's like my spouse doesn't want me but also feels as though my spouse doesn't want anyone else to have me either so is putting in a bare minimum of effort to ensure I don't end things right now. So I can relate to your feelings of mental manipulation and feeling emotionally unsafe. It is a very unhealthy space to be in. I have voiced this to my spouse and said that in order to feel more emotionally safe I need certain things such as words and actions to align and have set certain minimum boundaries I feel need to be respected in order for me to feel safe. This has helped a bit so perhaps consider doing this?

[therising]

Hi Alvi

I wish I could sit down and have a coffee or 2 with you, I really do. I'd imagine we'd have a somewhat relatable chat about some similar challenges. My heart goes out to you as you experience a variety of challenges in your marriage and for yourself personally.

I am familiar with the 'loop' or cycle. I can recall being rather shocked when I eventually woke up to it after quite a number of years. I've been married to my husband for 22 years, btw. While the sudden revelation can be liberating, it can also be depressing in some cases too. Once you become aware of where you are in the cycle, it's kinda like you develop a dreaded expectation of the next phase/s. I can relate to checking out mentally too (aka 'emotional detachment'). Again, with liberating elements such as not being able to feel what would normally feel depressing or stressful, there are times where it would be nice to have some form of soulful connection. It can be a downer at times, not feeling that.

Personally, I've developed a 'tell it how it is' attitude in my marriage, an ability that I've developed through emotional detachment. You could also regard it as calling someone out on their behaviour or leading them to become more conscious. I'll offer an example that perhaps you can relate to: I can be happily spending time with my husband when he may start to become a bit agitated if I raise an issue that needs to be resolved, so that the relationship can evolve or get past that issue/challenge. He may state he doesn't want to discuss it and may insist I leave him alone (such is the case with just about any emotional challenge). Telling it how it is, I may say to him 'Let me predict how this is going to go. You'll become more agitated until I go off on my own to try and work things out alone. You'll be happy while spending hours or a number of days finding things to keep you amused, then you'll get bored or remember I exist and think 'I'd like to spend time with my wife'. Now, am I right?'. To be able to tell the truth or state the facts fearlessly is definitely a self esteem booster. A deeply challenging relationship can develop us in surprising ways.

I believe while a partner can develop and become more conscious with the help of a good guide, there are things that will test just how conscious they have become. For example, if a partner wants back into a bed they have not shared with us for some time, part of the test may call for us to say 'If you want back in...romance me, seduce me and excite me outside of the bedroom. I will let you know if you've succeeded. If you can bring me back to life in this relationship, this will be the ultimate test of your determination, your devotion, your consciousness and an open mind. If you don't care to do the work it takes to repair the damage done over time, this tells me what I need to know about you'. If you want to be super blunt, you could add to that 'This tells me you are lazy and self serving, serving no one but yourself'. I've discovered the true test of any relationship comes down to how much a person is willing to rise to a challenge and/or how they are willing to raise us in a variety of ways. Btw, if your gym time is time you truly love spending on your own, don't let anyone take that away from you. Challenge your husband to come up with an alternative idea regarding time shared outside of the house. Such a challenge will test him. If he has a tantrum about this, would you say he passed the test?

❤️