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My wife says she has feelings for another married man.

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My wife & I have been together 13 years married for 6. Have 3 children together. She has been a stay home mum for the the past 8 years and has within the last 6 months gone back into the work force and loves it. I was and am happy she has found some purpose for her personally after staying home for so many years with the kids. She, as expected, has found new friends at work, found a new level of respect from her peers there and socially blossomed. Maybe a little too much. She goes out with her friends almost every weekend of late, all night to bars, house parties, crashes there for the night and I rarely see her. She does night shift so we only cross paths for an hour or so a day during the week.

She has told me about her supervisor at work, we’ll call him “J”. 31, married with children. They seemed like they hit it off as friends and shared similar interests. At first I thought nothing of it And was happy for her. She started going to gym together after work as it is a shared interest between them, which at first I must admit was a little odd but I never wanted to be insecure partner and say anything so I let it go. We have always had an enormous amount of trust between us and loyalty was never an issue. But then I noticed her making little comments that made me feel uneasy, comments like “J” said not to wear shorts at the gym because he didn’t want any distractions” and he would confide in her about his own relationship troubles and envied myself for having a woman like her. He’d drop her home after a work basketball game. It just made me feel uneasy. We finally had a sit down discussion. She seemed vague and distant. She eventually came clean and said she has feelings for him but insisted she doesn’t love him and that it was all one way and the he had no idea about how she felt. She mentioned the words “having a break” etc. I have tried to break down these walls she puts up (loves the drama, wants to just give it up) And get out of her how she truly feels about me. She says she loves me but when I asked her but are you “in love” with me? she couldn’t answer. I don’t know where I stand exactly and it’s killing me. I feel as though this can be fixed. I just don’t know if she’s going thru a phase from all this new found excitement of change in her life. I just want her to say I still love you, ur the one for me. I can’t get her to talk and say it. I’m shattered I may have lost my wife, my best friends heart. She wants a break then we make love. Confused.

11 Replies 11

Thank you all again.

Got a few hours sleep last night, woke up at 3am. Still went to work today. Talked to a colleague who has recently gone thru a nasty divorce. We spoke for over an hour (if my boss only knew) and it eased some of the anxiety. He gave me some contacts to help me work thru all this which I’m grateful for.

As the day went on though the anxiety kicked back in and I found myself getting increasingly frustrated, till the point where I left site and had a chat to my boss at the office. I’m incredibly lucky to have such an accommodating employer. We also discussed the situation at length and almost came up with a game plan or a course of action together.

The goal is for both of us clearly to get to counselling. Easier said than done. Throughout the day I received a few texts from her. Telling me about her scoring finally in her basketball game. The text in itself is nothing but the doors opening for levelheaded dialogue is a major achievement for us both.

When we met at home later that day. We were speaking, yes all be it controlled and not trying to give too much away to each other but we were connecting on some level for the 1st time. A glimmer of hope, it’s all I’ve wanted for the past few days.

She made us dinner and prepared lunches for tomorrow before she left. She asked me if I ate much today. Some compassion and concern. I felt a warmth from her. My anxiety has nearly subsided, my appetite has increased and my heart has some level of contentment as a result.

We txted while she was at dinner with the girls (a different, same aged group). I sent her photos of the children eating outside and playing. She opened up and I found an opportunity to send her this. I don’t mind quoting it:

Wife: You’re so good with them ❤️
Me: Their ours darling. We are what matters. We will be ok. I’m going to make sure of that. Until then I’ll be here when your ready. We’ve had 13 years together, I would wait another 13 if that’s what it takes. I love you.

She didn’t reply but I knew this would at some level hit home for her. She returned for a short period before heading off for work and things seemed calm and free flowing.

Despite all this, I know I cannot take a backwards step. We have a long way to go. My goal is to get us to counselling but I don’t want to be to premature and fracture the small but significant progress we’ve just made. I will, for now, hold off pushing for this while we build up our connection once again.

Thank u


Little bit late to your thread? I mainly wanted to thank you to responding and adding a positive to your story. While we don't know what the future ever holds, these brief moments of togetherness need to be cherished. I also applaud your openness with your workmate and boss about what was going on - the ability to allow yourself to be vulnerable takes courage. I hope it works out for you both,